It's my birthday, I can blog if I want to!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME haha yea yea yea I know. It feels great to have another year under my belt, now. SO MUCH has happened to me in the past year. Too much to even begin describing in some stupid blog (thats forsure) ha :-/

Some great, some terrible, some you would expect... but that's life. It's nuts how we can look back and say: "wow, a year ago I would have never guessed this is where I'd be." But we never sit back like: "I bet, a year from now... THIS is going to happen." haha

Isn't life ironic?

It definitely was a lonely birthday, but that was to be expected. Shit. I'ma grown man now it ain't all about clowns and house parties and presents. Although, that would be nice hah. Now-a-days... your birthday is just another day. As much as I want to climb to the top of a mountain and S C R E A M: "hey it's my birthday, bitches!!" hahaha to the rest of the World..? It's just Tuesday, June 30th.

The whole idea of birth is pretty mind-blowing to me. Especially right now. "We are born charming, fresh and spontaneous.. but must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society." - Judith Martin, (Miss Manners)

My sister is about to take me out for dinner once she gets off work. Should be nice. We haven't had some 1-on-1 brother/sister time in a while. She's so busy with her life and finance and I'm obviously busy as hell, too... but whenever we get together we usually catch back up to speed on things ha. "No matter where you live, brothers are brothers and sisters are sisters. The bonds that keep family close are the same no matter where you are." - Takayuki Ikkaku

Let's not talk about it, eh?

Wow last night turned into quite a shitty night. Too bad today wasn't much better :-/

I'm just so sick of all the arguing and fighting it seems like everybody around me is so fkn unhappy with their life that it makes ME unhappy. I don't know if you've noticed... but bad moods are contagious, folks.

And it's funny how the people closest to me always seem to let me down.

I really don't even feel like writing in here right now so I'ma just stop.

Birthday BBQ extravaganza

I did some errands around the house today to get the place cleaned up and ready... I'm having some friends and family over for a BBQ to celebrate my b-day. Should be a good time, right??

Played some lawn games... got to see some old faces I haven't seen in a while, which was nice. Great food, and tons of it haha! My kinda BBQ, you know?? After people started leaving, me and the fellas retired to the garage to play some videogames.

Everything was all good until some of my family members start talking politics :-/

YES, the golden rule... NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR POLITICAL/RELIGIOUS VIEWS when it's late and we're all just trying to have a good time. Personally, I'd LOVE to engage in such conversation... but there is a time and a place. And, some people don't understand that.

So yeah heated conversation turns into a debate... which turns into raised voices... which then turns into name-calling, and childish banter.

It ruined my night.

We all know what happened to the guy who always talked politics at parties, right? "I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me." - Dave Barry (1947 - )

Thugs get lonely too

"See, it ain't easy bein' me. Life as a celebrity is less than heavily, I got these fakes and these back-stabbers chasin' me around.. And it's always drama, Whevever I wanna get around. Mama told me, Long before I ever came up.. Gotta be true, to watchya' do, And keep ya' game up. 'Cause things change, And jealousy becomes a factor.. Best friends at your wifes house tryin' to MACK HER! I'm on tour, But still they keep on knockin' at my door.. And I got no time to worry, I'm steady wantin' more. Every day is a test, yes. I try hard, But I'm strugg-a-lin' with every breath.. I pray to God, that the woman that I left at home, All alone, Ain't nothin' like tryin' to bone, Over the phone. In my mind, I can see her naked. I can't take it, Got me shakin' at the thought that we can make it. I thought you knew.

I'm rolling out on tour today, you getting sad because I'm goin away (Naaaa) Chickenheads wanna play with me you getting mad because you think I'ma sway, Some of them cute some of them fine as fuck I hear them scream as soon as I hit the stage. (Naaaa) Still I be getting lonely for you I'm coming home as soon as I make this pay (Make this pay)

I call you up long distance, On the telephone... I wanna tuck you in, Even though I know I can't make it home. I whisper things in ya' ear, Like youre near me. Wonder if you feel me, From far away.. Or can you hear me? It seems to me, That ya' jealous.. 'Cause I'm hustlin' and makin' money, With the fellas'. In the back streets, Tryin' to trap me.. Baby HOLD UP. Thugs get lonely too! But I'm a soulja. And theres no way I'mma' stop makin' money, 'Cause ya' attitudes changed.. And ya' actin' a little funny. Always complainin'.. Sayin' we don't spend time? Can't you see, I got enough stress on my mind?! And hangin' up like you all that.. And get mad when I'm tell you that, "I'm busy baby, call back," Please, ain't nothin' left to say to you. Thugs get lonely too. You KNOW.

I'm rolling out on tour today, you getting sad because I'm goin away (Naaaa) Chickenheads wanna play with me you getting mad because you think I'ma sway, Some of them cute some of them fine as fuck I hear them scream as soon as I hit the stage. (Naaaa) Still I be getting lonely for you I'm coming home as soon as I make this pay (Make this pay)

I sit alone in my room, drinkin'.. Without a care. Talkin out loud to ya'...Like ya' there. Take ya' picture out my back pocket, Man it's on. You the first face I wanna see, When I get home. I wanna love you 'till the sun rise... Buckwild. Touchin' every wall in the house, Thug style. Put ya' hands on the headboard... Think of me, Drippin' sweat on top of you, secrecy in yo' head That I'm makin' love, So turn the lights down. Reminisce 'n relax, 'Cause baby right now? I feel in the middle of my stomach.. You whisper in my ear, Baby tell me how you really want it. Hold on tightly, Watch the ceiling. Scratch my back, How you react.. Lets me know you feel me. 'Cause everything I'm giving to you, Is so true. Thugs get lonely too, You know."

-Tupac, featuring/ Nate Dogg

And, the beat goes on...

Woke up and started my day with a nice 4mile jog ;-)

I've gotta admit, I'm gettin' pretty geeked for my b-day, and vacation!!! It's coming up soooooo sooon! Today, I made some lunch and then hungout with a couple friends thru the afternoon. You would think I'd want to go out... I mean, it IS Friday and all, but I'm trying to save some money for this trip, youknow??

Not too sure what on the agenda for the rest of the evening, but I'ma prolly just chill out around the house maybe?? Probably have a couple people over? I'm not too sure but fk I dont mind haha "The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next." - Ursula K. LeGuin

PS. Huge post, I know hahaha fk it, I'ma kinda busy. Sorry!

Let me hear you say you love me.

"For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation." - Rainer Maria Rilke (1875 - 1926)

I can't believe it's about to be Friday already!! This week has went by so fast for some reason! Which is fine by me, because soon I'LL BE ON VACATION hahah :-P

I woke up day and went running again... only 3 miles today ha but still felt great. After working out and taking a shower, I met up with my mama for some lunch at Applebees. It was so nice to kick it and goof around and talk like we use to. It's been awhile. But I guess that's the best thing about a good friendship... is that you can come back after years of being apart, and it feels like you haven't missed a minute. Some things never change hah "Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus

After running some errands, I spent the rest of the afternoon just relaxing with my family. Being some couch potatoes hahah it was VERY nice and VERY relaxing to just lay around together. Ordered some Jet's pizza for dinner and watched the newest Rocky movie ha. Ended up coming home around 1am... bout to go to sleep. Had an awesome day, tho. I'm very content right now... I've found a very strong and real peace with my Life. I'm feeling great, physically. I've rebuilt some old friendships and am really having some good clean fun again. And on top of it all.. I've got a beautiful, healthy family. YES sometimes your family can drive you crazy hahaha but those moments of pure Love and connect are priceless. Nobody ever said it was going to be easy. I shouldn't expect it to be. But the choice is simple. I look at things in a whole new light now because I do so many things without even thinking about it hah I use to be so selfish but each and every day I catch myself doing something completely selfless. It's instinct. "Some things you do because you want to. Some things you do for your family." - Mother Teresa

"I think people that have a brother or sister, or husband or wife don't realize how lucky they are. Sure, they fight a lot. But to know that there's always somebody there. Somebody that's family. It's worth every minute." - Trey Parker and Matt Stone, of South Park

I'ma take it there.

Today was one of the best days I've had in a LOOOOOOONG time haha IT WAS GREAT!! I started the day off by doing some laundry and mowing the lawn.. and since I was already dripping wet with sweat, I decided to go running. GOT 5 MILES IN!!!

After I showered and made some lunch, it was time to go grind out. Walked up to downtown Plymouth and made my rounds, sellin' CDs and handin' out handbills. Ended up making a little more than $30 from 2pm-3:30pm, selling $1 CDs!! hahaha THAT'S WHATS UP, GOOD LOOKIN' PLYMOUTH y'all showed some love! I was able to network a little bit too... met some very cool people! One dude does DVDs and promotions for iLLflow magazine (whose Owner I personally know and work with) so we instantly connected on that, and exchanged numbers. I'ma definitely have to hit him up on some film production business! This other lady was a massage therapist right here in Plymouth and because she didn't have any cash on her to buy a CD, she gave me her business card and offered me a free massage in exchange for a mixtape HAHAH who can turn that down?? The best was all the groups of high school kids THEY WERE SO IN TO IT haha it was awesome! By the time I was ready to leave, I had heard 3 different cars drive by bangin' my CD hahaha!!! Local celebrity status.

I've realized that it all comes down to DECIDING to get up get out and do something. You can't sit around and wait for good things to happen you've gotta go MAKE them happen!! "Determine never to be idle...It is wonderful how much may be done if we are always doing." - Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826)

After making a few laps around the park, I headed back home. My plan was to eat some dinner, and head back up into Plymouth around 5pm or 6pm to sell more CDs... you know, tryn catch the bar crowd. CHANGE OF PLANS haha my boy calls me and says we should kick it so I met up with some friends and went downtown for Detroit's fireworks show. As to be expected, IT WAS PACKED DOWN THERE!!! We got there early as fk to beat the traffic and tryn get a good spot to watch the fireworks.. but first we had to get somethin' to eat. Stopped in at Tom's Oyster Bar on Jefferson to get some burgers and kill some time before the sun went down.

Good thing I brought another 30-or-somethin' CDs and plenty of handbills hahaha IT WAS A SEA OF PEOPLE!! Especially in Hart Plaza haha it was shoulder to shoulder! Me and the fellas walked around and did some shameless self-promotion before we found a prime spot to chill and watch the show. It was so nice to be with some friends I haven't hungout with in FOREVER. Reminded me of last summer... being under the sun and chillin' wit the fellas! I'm glad I brought my digi camera too I got some great pics!!

Unexpectedly ran into some more friends down there, so we kicked it with them for a minute until the fireworks were done. THEN it got insane down there hahaha it took hours for everybody to walk up towards the water front and take their seats for the show; but then the show was over and suddenly 5 million people ALL immediately turn around and head back to their cars AT THE SAME TIME!

We went back to the car and seen all the traffic and said fk it: might as well chill downtown for a little bit. We can either sit in a car for 2 or 3 hours... or we can walk around for 2 more hours and still get home at the same time hahaha! So we grabbed some more promo and some more CDs from the car, and we hit the streets again!!

HIGHLIGHT OF THE NIGHT: As we're walking around and handing out handbills, some random dude recognizes us from a show we did at Suite100 a few months ago and actually starts reciting the song we did!!!! That made my jaw drop, literally!! We're all nuttin' up and laughing like NO SHIT and ole boy is just like: "a memorable performance is something you don't forget" and that touched my heart!!

See THAT's why I do this music shit. Hearing things just like that! Things like that make me feel like I already have succeeded! "Of course there is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings." - Arthur Rubinstein (1886 - 1982)

Walked around until the traffic died down... hit a Coney Island (wanted another cheeseburger with my fatass) and then headed back home. ALL in ALL?? A great night!! Met a bunch of awesome people... seen some old friends... and was pretty damn productive too! haha I dunno what else I could ask for. After a slightly insane weekend... it was a great day today!! The entire day! With everything that's been going on, I've got to keep positive and remain focused on what's important to me. Goes to prove that you can only be as happy as you allow yourself to be. "Reality is something you have to rise above." - Liza Minnelli (1946 - )

It just felt so great to get back out on the streets and hustle CDs and hand out promo and talk to people about music I LOVE IT and I've missed it!!! Yes, life is a little hectic for me right now but I think I'm doing a pretty good job of managing it all. And that's all I can do. "In the end, we can decide if we're remembered for what happened to us or for what we did with it." - Randy K. Milholland

Actions always speak louder than words.

"Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going too fast - you also miss the sense of where you are going and why." - Eddie Cantor (1892 - 1964)

It's obvious that I let things get to me sometimes. I try my hardest to stay positive and stay strong but some things really know how to piss me the fk off hahahah! It's all relative, tho. There's not a whole lot that I can even do about it... just stay focused and keep enjoying my life. I don't have to enjoy others just mine. The rest will fall into place.

I did some errands earlier today, but the rest of my afternoon was pretty uneventful. The weather was beautiful outside, tho... I LOVE DAYS LIKE TODAY. Not too hot... not too cold. Just right for shorts and a tank top.

I got online and did some more planning for the 4th of July trip... and, each day I get MORE and MORE excited!! It'll be so nice to take a little mini vacation from everything, you know?? I've got so much on my heart and mind right now... a few days away from reality is much deserved. Even tho I know when we come back, nothing much is going to have changed haha :-/ blah

H O P E F U L L Y the next two weeks go by fast(er) haha it sounds like I'm gonna be BBQing both days of this coming wkend... once at my sister's house with some friends, and then again at my parent's house with some family. Then, my birthday is next Tuesday... and before you know it- CINCINNATI!!! I just wanna keep my head up and enjoy my b-day extravaganza hahaha!!

My pops went up to our cottage for a few days, so I made some fish-n-chips for me and my mom haha it was nice to chill with her and get a chance to talk. No plans for tonight so since it's still early, I'm gonna go work out for a little bit before it gets dark. Get home, take a shower, and probably read a little bit before I go to bed. Like I said, uneventful day... but fk it! "Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint on it you can." - Danny Kaye (1913 - 1987)

If you listen carefully, you will hear.

I've got to start off by saying one thing: GODDAMN I'm in a better mood today haha I don't know what it was about this wkend but I WAS SO DAMN DEPRESSED!! Something must have been in the air. But I woke up today feeling refreshed, and revived.

Sometimes, it's just that easy. "Start every day off with a smile and get it over with." - W. C. Fields (1880 - 1946)

The job interview went great ;-) they kept me there SO LONG tho, haha it was a 2.5hr interview!! I met with 3 different people but I'm pretty positive I got it, so that's good. I felt bad tho, there were 2 older guys applying for the same position and they had their interviews at the same time as me hah too bad I could out work the two of them combined. After I got home from that, I went jogging again.. this time, 4 miles!! It felt great! It's so nice to throw the iPod on... tighten up my laces.. and run so fast that the stress can't even keep up! hah Clear my thoughts a little bit. By the time I get home.. I'm energized, and ready to take on the day.

Like I've said before... it seems like you've always got to replace one routine with another hah and maybe thats the case but regardless I think I'ma start working out again. No gyms or anything... just get some free weights, do some crunchs and push-ups... simple stuff. You'd be surprised how amazing it can make you feel. And it helps me stay disciplined ;-)

I know I've got a LOT going on in my life right now, but I feel like I've been letting my music suffer because of it. I'm gonna make a conscious effort to get into the studio more often, starting tmrw. I've got some things to take care of in the morning, but after that... it's rappin' time!!! I've gotta take it all as inspiration, and do what I do best (well atleast decent) haha I don't need to become famous but I can still enjoy doing the things I love to do. "Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life, but as by the obstacles which he has overcome." Booker T. Washington (1856 - 1915)

I played some video games before dinner, and then watched that new movie "Fanboys." I didn't hear much about it before I rented it but IT'S HILARIOUS haha I would definitely recommend it to anybody whose looking for another silly Seth Rogan flick. It's about Star Wars nerds who break into George Lucas' house to steal a copy of the new Star Wars movie before it comes out hahah ridiculous, I know. One thing can be said, Seth Rogan and his little gang of actors are GETTIN' PAID right now!!! They've come out with like, 4 movies a year (atleast) and it's always the same cast. I ain't mad at 'em!!!

In other news... I've started planning my birthday/4th of July weekend. It sounds like we're gonna go back down to Cincinnati for a few days. I had such a blast when I was down there for my cousin's graduation party.. I only wish I had more time to adventure around. So, I'ma go back with a couple friends and catch some of the shit I didn't have time to do on the last trip.. should be incredible!! There's an aquarium, and a comedy club I wanna visit... and I heard about some famous chili restaurant? Fireworks on the river for the 4th... Coney Island amusement park.. museums, Kings island water park, river boat rides, A BUNCH OF STUFF!!! Haha I dunno I gotta look around online some more.. maybe go watch a Cincinnati Red's game?? I dunno but I'm geeked!!!

It's weird that my birthday is coming up so fast!! Remember being a kid, and counting down?! The entire month would go by S O S L O W haha but now? Time flys!!! I'm just excited to see where I'm at a year from now!! "Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does - except wrinkles. It's true, some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place." - Abigail Van Buren (1918 - )

You bleed me dry.

What can I say? Last night I was miserable... and I had a terrible fkn day today. Yay! :-/

I woke up at 7am because I couldn't sleep for shiiit. And I was still feeling crappy from last night so I decided to go jogging haha but I only started working myself up (with anger, mostly) and ran until I puked :-/ I'm not sure whose lawn it was but I'm sure they'll love it. Got home, took a shower, and went back to bed. Missed some important phone calls, and started my day on the wrong foot. Yay! :-/ Recently.. nothing seems to be going my way.

I dunno it's just been a bad weekend. But LIFE GOES ON and I've gotta do the same.

Woke up around 11:30am and made some lunch. Returned the important phone calls, and had some shitty conversations. Felt devastated. Still do, really. It sucks loving somebody when you don't know if they don't love you back. But what can you do?? LOVE wouldn't be LOVE if it wasn't voluntary. Just another example of how we can't change things in the World no matter how hard we try. It's a lesson I'm having trouble learning. It seems like the harder I try... the worse it back fires. I guess I've got to just keep on keepin' on. I've got to keep going. Keep living. And hope that when I wake up, tmrw will bring something better. No fk that I've got to MAKE something better for myself. I've got no other choice. "You can't help someone get up a hill without getting closer to the top yourself." - H. Norman Schwarzkopf (1934 - )

I've got a job interview tmrw but I'll be honest I'm not even in the mood :-/ my spirit is DEAD right now. I just need to go lay down and get some rest. "Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for." - Dag Hammarskjold (1905 - 1961)

Some things never change.

I find everything about Life so ironic hah :-/

It's just weird to sit back and observe things. I use to always want to be on the field... you know, the STAR PLAYER. But sometimes I'm on the bench and I can just watch the game bein' played. And some people will never learn. You play games; you get played.

It breaks my heart, but it's the truth.

I had a beautiful night last night... laying in bed and listening to the thunderstorms. I felt so content. I felt like I was at home. And, there is nothing more relaxing than that. I wish I had some sort of magical remote control (like that movie "Click") because I just wanted to pause time. I wanted to make those few hours last forever.

But that's impossible, isn't it.

IN OTHER NEWS: today I did two new songs and I'm real proud of both!! I've had so much shit to get off my chest.. it was nice to just seclude myself in the studio and go to work. I haven't done that in a whiiiile. But it felt great.

My one and only true love. My microphone. I'll post the songs tmrw morning.

Both of the songs are kinda bitter haha but fk it thats how I feel right now. Fk it that's how I've felt for a while. I'm tryin' my hardest to stay positive but some things never change. Oh well. I'ma keep doin' me thats all I can do. "The artist doesn't have time to listen to the critics. The ones who want to be writers read the reviews, the ones who want to write don't have the time to read reviews." - William Faulkner (1897 - 1962)

Fathers day is tmrw so HUG YOUR POPS and tell him how much he means to you. I'm so happy my dad has raised me to be the man I am today. I wouldn't be anywhere without my parents. I hope it's nice out tmrw I'ma be spending time BBQing with the family. You know what they say, right?? "If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance." - George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)

Welcome back to my life.

Isn't it weird how deeply confusing relationships can be? I take that back... not "can be;" but "are." Every time you think you've got them figured out... something slaps you in the face haha and tells you "NOPE" and it completely recreates itself!! I think that's why true love, and long lasting marriages GROW. They aren't the same year after year. They move, and grow, and change just like our bodies do.

Can you love somebody... and, still betray them? Can you still love somebody, even after they've betrayed you?? I think the answer to both of those questions is YES!! I almost think that you wouldn't know what love is until you are faced with these kind of situations. There is a difference between LOVE, and infatuation. Sometimes, love hurts. Sometimes, love needs it's own space to move. It needs it's own time to grow. "Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds." - Hugh Elliott

What the fk do I know, tho?? I'm pretty terrible at relationships hah I'm just trying to make sense of it all, you know?

That's the funniest part of it all. Love breaks you down just as much as it builds you up. By saying "love," you aren't being specific.. because LOVE involves every human emotion possible. Sometimes, it can be so hard to let people close to us go. And then again; sometimes, it can be so hard to welcome them back :-/

I'm just afraid of getting my heart broken again.

But I'll be the first one to admit it. I've done my deal of breaking hearts. I've been in relationships where I've cheated, I've lied, I've been that asshole all women hate. But I've also been sensual and caring and a bit hopeless romantic, too. Prince charming. That's what love will do to you. It makes you see everything you hate about yourself haha and makes you want to change those things immediately! Until you can accept that defeat, you will never find Love. "True love brings up everything - it's like you're allowing a mirror to be held up to you daily." - Jennifer Aniston

And that's where I'm at right now. I've realized it... I love. And I'm not sure if I'm loved back, but I can't help but to continue to LOVE. And honestly at first it sucked haha but that was just my selfishness. Yes, I MATT YOUNG CAN BE SELFISH haha believe it or not but I can also LOVE absolutely. And right now; there is so much passion in me, sometimes it feels like my heart could explode!! But I've got no choice but to keep it all in my chest, and keep on moving.

Because love moves; and love grows.

"To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt." - Madonna (1958 - )

The land of the lost.

I've got to admit.. today was a good day. Some jobs called me back and set up interviews for Friday and Monday so that's always good!! Whenever I think of something negative going on.. I try to just think about all the positive things I've got in my life!! Loving friends and family.. my health... and a bright future. Sure, I guess some things could be better but ey it could be a lot worse. That's how you've got to take on each day. Loving and embracing each moment. Sometimes, the best medication is just accepting your life as it is. "Things could always be worse; for instance, you could be ugly and work in the Post Office." - Adrienne E. Gusoff

Even tho, right about now; I'd definitely take a job at the Post Office hahaha

I'm learning to just let things roll off me (which isn't so easy at times) but it's something I've got to do. I can't control the World, I can only control myself.

After a long afternoon of job hunting, one of my friends came by with his old Nintendo 64 hahaha IT WAS GREAT!! Blast from the past, that's for sure. Brought back good memories of him and I sitting around as teenagers, staying up ALL night playing the same damn games over and over haha it was fun. I also WROTE A SONG haha well.... kinda! I started a new song, atleast. But it has been FOREVER since I've even done that and boy did it feel weird at first. I kinda struggled with it (believe it or not) but it's like riding a bike you've just got to hop on and peddle.

I'm just at a point in my life where I am trying my hardest to forgive those who have hurt me the most.. and ask for forgiveness from those I've hurt. I want my relationships to move on to better things. I deserve it, and so do they. "Forgiveness is almost a selfish act because of its immense benefits to the one who forgives." - Lawana Blackwell

Look at where I've been, and where I'm going.

It's insane to think that a month ago, I was sitting down here in my basement... late as hell... accepting my flaws, and willing to change my life. It was definitely a hard bite to swallow.. but I did it. And goddamn what a roller coaster it's already been haha but that's Life. And now, the "day at a time" becomes a "month at a time" until it will be a "year at a time" hahaha

"Things do not change; we change." - Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

And sure enough, as much as I've changed myself.. I've noticed signifigant changes in my own life. My relationships.. my personal health.. my mood. All reflect a positive change that started internally. I've realized that, the more serious we take these changes in our Life.. the more serious the changes will become. It's like I'm a catepiller.. ready to cacoon up and become a beautiful butterfly. "Any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self, will require not just small adjustments in your way of living and thinking but a full-on metamorphosis." - Martha Beck

I'm here to say that: If I can do it, anybody can. Maybe you don't need to make the same changes as I have made/am trying to make.. but we ALL KNOW how we can improve. We all know where we WANT to be and WHO we want to be. It's all just a matter of using each and every day to make small steps towards becoming what we see. Every marathon starts with that first step.

The job fair yesterday when G R E A T and I found a job at a bank that I would really love to get!!! I think I could realisitically get it, too!! I'm just gonna have to stay persistant, and focused! After leaving their (around 9am) I went around and dropped off copies of my resume to a few other banks. I figured, since I was all suited and booted... might as well, right? It's funny how people treat you when you're wearing a suit haha the level of respect goes thru the roof. I stopped and got some lunch at Subway and the kids kept calling me "Sir" it made me laugh hah

NOTE TO ALL MICHIGANDERS: Don't let 'em fool you there are TONS of jobs out there right now you've just got to get off your ass and go get one!!! In this past 3 days, I've applied to about 70 places that ALL say they are hiring. Not just "accepting applications" they are HIRING. Some may be less that desirable but shiiiit money is money and I dunno about you BUT I LOVE MONEY!!! I wanna put myself in a situation where I can pick and choose which ones I want haha wouldn't that be nice??

Time to cook up some dinner for the fam... my new past time. Tonight?? I was thinkin' grilled chicken tacos with some spanish rice and homemade queso dip ;-)

And then HOPEFULLY I can get some more work done on this outline. I've been soooo fkn busy (and soooo fkn exhausted) that I usually read a little bit and pass out!!! I REALLY need to get a job or 3 but after that (with whatever free time I'll have) I'm gonna focus on getting this book done. It should be remarkable!

I know it terms of cents and dollars, change isn't much. But I've come to notice one thing. In life; personal change is powerful. "Change your thoughts and you change your world." - Norman Vincent Peale

One month down; MANY months to go. Hope you stay along with me for the ride.

Wow. It's been a month already.

Time flies when your having fun, huh?? I can't believe that I've been doing this blog.. and sobriety.. for a MONTH now. It's pretty wild to think about but it feels G R E A T!! I'm real proud of myself, and the changes I've made in my life. I've just got to stay focused, and committed; and the possibilities will be endless!!

I went and got a new phone today :-( which sucks because it's the LAST thing I wanted to spend money on but atleast I got a pretty good deal. And really, it was time for an upgrade anyways ha. BUT THAT MEANS I've lost all my contacts soooooo if you're reading this, shoot me a txt or call me. I've still got the same number but chances are I DON'T HAVE YOURS hah.

Other than that, I went around job hunting from 10am to 4pm today haha I WILL NOT STOP UNTIL I FIND A GREAT JOB! I'm so determined. I literally turned in about 50 applications I would guess hah but it felt great to get out there like that. My wrist is cramped, my feet are tired, and I never want to write my own name again!! hahaha BUT atleast I should get some more offers by the end of this week! I know that I've got alot to offer a company.. it's just a matter of getting their attention and an opportunity to talk to somebody in power. After that... after it's in MY HANDS... it's a wrap! Theres only ONE job interview I've had where I didn't get the job offer. One. EVER. Haha so the numbers are in my favor haha I'd like to think I'm great at interviews. But like I said... it's all a matter of getting PAST the "application" process, and beating out the hundreds (and sometimes thousands) of other applicants.

I just find myself at ease in these kind of situations. Acting completely natural during an interview. And, I think that's what they look for. "It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers." - James Thurber (1894 - 1961)

After all the running around... I took a shower and made some dinner for the family. Nice guy, huh?? I wouldn't say I'm a great cook or anything.. but I've been known to whip up a meal or two haha and especially more recently I've been trying to get some practice in. I just like taking a normal recipe, and tricking it out a little bit haha! Like tonight I made tuna noodle casserole but I added bacon bits and shredded cheese and then I twice baked it with a layer of Cheese-It crumbs on top haha yeah BAMin like Emril over here. You'd be surprised ;-)

I'm exhausted tho. Time to lay down and read for a little bit. I need to get some rest I've got that job fair tmrw, and then I'm going to take advantage of being all dressed up and go turn in some more applications. PLUS I've gotta call back all the places I visited ystrday hah should be another long, productive day. I heard it was gonna rain and that's kinda poopy.. but, as one of my sister's friends likes to say; without rain, there would be no rainbows

Now its time to take it easy

I've had a pretty chill day today... except I lost my phone last night!!! I dunno about you guys but I HATE the feeling of losing something. Especially because I used it late night and didn't leave my house after that... which would mean... it's GOTTA BE HERE SOMEWHERE haha fk me. I'm such an idiot sometimes, I swear. It'd say "blonde" but that's offensive to every blonde who DIDN'T lose their phone last night haha

That's the worst feeling ever haha it's driving me nuts!! I've combed over the entire house tho.. and the yard.. and my car haha and the garage. It's NOWHERE?

So after spending (literally) hours searching I have given up :-(

Did some errands and job hunting and then helped my dad (we're waterproofing our leaky basement) and; got a good chance to spend some father/son time with him haha even tho he likes to bust my chops sometimes it was still nice. He's noticed all the changes in me and said he's proud, and is just trying to keep me motivated :-D

I'm going to a job fair on Wednesday so that's pretty exciting ha I'ma get all suited and booted and walk in there confidently feeling like a million bucks. Damn near demand a job hahaha that's how you gotta do it!! It's for a bunch of major banks tho so I'm slightly intimidated I won't lie hah I've just gotta keep my composure and turn on the charm like I know I can.

Before every great reward, stands a mighty challenge. I've learned that the hardway hah. But I accept that, and I'm ready to take it head on!! "You've got to take the bitter with the sour." - Samuel Goldwyn (1882 - 1974)

Had a really great weekend, but I'm still exhausted. I'm bout to go lay down and read a book. I've been digging into this classic national treasure entitled: "The People's History of the United States of America" and I gotta say... WOW! I don't read much (at all) haha but this book is so inspiring, provoking, and completely captivating I (almost) can't put it down haha. Honestly! It brings out so many different emotions and I'm only on the chapter about Women's sufferage!! I'd definitely recommend it to anybody who would LIKE to read but has never been drawn into a book before. This isn't some cute little story, it is the RAW and completely UNCUT history of this country. And, it's awesome.

It's actually a textbook from college that I never really read while I was in class haha (no wonder I haven't graduated) but I found it while I was cleaning the basement and decided to give it a chance. Just another one of those crazy little sparks of Life. "Just because something doesn't go how you planned to, doesn't mean it's useless." - Thomas A. Edison (1847 - 1931) hah ain't THAT the truth?!

Oh, what a night..

Had a GREAT time last night!!! We ended up taking a party bus to downtown Royal Oak (which I've never done before) and GODDAMN was it cool!! By the end of the night there was some drama but that can only be expected when you've got 25 people together hah! Either way, it was a good time and I hope everybody had as much fun as I did! I'm gonna try and post pictures later

Today, me and my cousin and some of my friends went uptown and shot the shit.. ended up running into some of my sister's friends so they grabbed some chairs and joined us. Small world, huh? Good times tho. Her (my sister) wedding is coming up so fast!!!! I can't believe it haha the past 6 months have been CRAZY and the next 6 are guaranteed to be even crazier but I'm excited and anxious.

I've been trying to consciously be nicer.. just in general. I've realized that being in a shitty mood only makes the rest of your day shitty haha there's no point in it. "The end result of kindness is that it draws people to you." - Anita Roddick


Sometimes, being nice is harder than we think isn't it?? haha But that's what makes a man strong. His ability to remain himself under any circumstances.

I'm trying my hardest.

Sometime I feel like I'm trying too hard. Not to be nice.. just in general. Trying to accomplish too much at once haha always been a problem of mine. I'm never satisfied haha!! I've got to learn some patience hah that's forsure. I like immediate results. But things don't always work that way, do they?? Well fk it tho, I'ma keep grabbing for the stars!! "If you aspire to the highest place, it is no disgrace to stop at the second, or even the third, place." - Cicero (106 BC - 43 BC)

All I can do is take things a day at a time ;-) "The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today." - Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882 - 1945)

Give yourself a good name.

Woke up and did a few things around the house today.. not too exciting haha. Trying to stay in good spirits. Later on tonight I'm going out and meeting up with some people for my friend's birthday and that should be pretty awesome. His girlfriend went all out haha and I guess it was going to be a surprise but he already found out haha bummer but still should be fun. I haven't seen any of them in forever it feels like. But you always know who your true friends are on your birthday, don't you?? That's when you can really tell who cares about you. Because it's not about parties and gifts anymore haha (remember those days?) it's just about spending time together.

Speaking of birthdays.... MINES COMING UP!!! I can't believe it either, it seems like time is just flying by!! I don't have any plans yet but it will be interesting, I'm sure. I want to do something, tho.. nothing big just BBQ or something like that. My first sober birthday since... damn... years?? haha It's all good though I'm sure it'll be great!

In unrelated news.. I want to spend more time working on this book. I've got a really good outline started, but I need to do some research, and start putting some meat on the bones. I think the process of WRITING the book is going to be more rewarding then actually trying to publish it. For some reason, my head works much better when it's putting something down on paper hah I've always been good at writing. Always enjoyed it. But, I've never really tried something like this. Should be interesting.

This is gonna be a short post today I know my bad I've just got a lot going on right now. But shit... that's life! It never stops, does it?? "Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."- Wendell Johnson

Give up on a nigga if you wanna.

Yesterday was pretty shitty haha but atleast I woke up in much better spirits today. I gotta remember to not stress the dumbshit. No matter how dumb it is haha. Or how much of it there is. There is ALWAYS gonna be bullshit. And I can't rely on ANYBODY ELSE to make me happy. It's up to ME to be happy. I've gotta keep doin' ME and make sure my Star Player is feelin' great. Because really.. I've got no reason to feel like shit. I'ma great guy... I gotta bright future... I'm healthy and even some-what attractive hah WHAT'S THERE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT?? Some bitches?? Some lames?? Fk them and fk their childish games haha I gotta just keep looking forward. Leave 'em in my rearview mirror.

I'm too good to be stressing all their bullshit. And honestly, whether they realize it or not.. I deserve much better. So I'ma keep swimming. I'ma just keep my chin up, and try and keep my head above water. A boy becomes a man from all the bullshit that he goes thru. And we've got to be confident in everything we do. Not arrogant, tho. Confident. By being arrogant, and thinking you're the best at everything... you only deny yourself the ability to improve. We ALL have weakness. We ALL have our faults. We ALL have room to improve. It's how we HANDLE our faults and weaknesses that determines how STRONG we are.

You've got to be strong.

Speaking of strong.............WINGS GAME TONIGHT?? What the fuck happened??!!! How are we gonna lose Game 7.. at home.. after having a 2-0 lead on the series?! Ergh!!! Well it's whatever I guess haha take it in stride, fellas. Nobody can change the fact that the Wings are a DYNASTY. I'm sure Gary Betmen pulled a couple of strings backstage. ALL sports are politics now. They've been predicting the Penguins to win since PRE-season hahaha fishy huh?? Plus, it's ironic that Pittsburgh owes a couple of million dollars on their arena lease! They've NEEDED some Stanley Cup money. And they couldn't do it last year. I guess it only makes sence they'd take it this year. Especially after all the bullshit officiating.

Oh well. What can ya do??

It's just proof of how hard it is to stay strong when all the odds are stacked against you. It's hard to keep positive when theres so much negativity in the World. But a real man doesn't have a choice. The ONLY thing you have a chance of changing is YOU. And that's it. There's ALWAYS going to be obstacles in your way. Try and think of a time when EVERYTHING was going your way hahahaha IT NEVER DOES!!! School... work... family... friends... relationships... you can NEVER have EVERYTHING running smoothly. But that's Life. All you can do is stay UP and keep GOING. It reminds me of a couple of lines from one of my favorite songs. It goes like this: "might be dead broke now, but I'll ball again. Even if I have to take it to the corner. Might not have a bitch now, but I'll pimp again... you can give up on a nigga if you wanna." - Bohagan

This is completely UNRELATED but I thought it was funny hah! One of my friends (and readers) said it can be annoying how I use so many quotes in my blog haha and to him I replied: "When a thing has been said and said well, have no scruple. Take it and copy it." - Anatole France (1844 - 1924) so there it is hahahah

Speaking of things that are annoying... this poison ivy is killin' me!!! I thought I had it all taken care of... but every morning it reappears somewhere so I'm guessing I got it on some clothes or my sheets or something so today I woke up and STRIPPED my room hahah I literally washed EVERYTHING. I even vacuumed and flipped my mattresses! Yes. I VACUUMED my MATTRESS hahaha I'm not sure what that would do but I figured it wouldn't hurt. Then I spent all day washing every piece of clothing I own hahahaha EVERYTHING. Even the shit I thought was clean. I pulled EVERYTHING out haha outta my dresser outta my closet haha I'm not playin' games anymore! It took my a few hours but I got it all taken care of and HOPEFULLY it solves the problem. It feel like I've been quarantined ha!

Sometimes we all just gotta get cleaned off tho. We gotta step back, and stand underneath the water for a minute or two. Rinse off all the bullshit haha!

After the game we came back to my house and I had some of my boys come over for a little bit... got to see some old faces that I haven't seen in a while it was nice. 8 of us in my garage... stayin' up into the wee hours of the morning.. politicking about Federal Income Tax, and the War on Terrorism, and libertarians etc hahahah what a bunch of fkn nerds I LOVE IT!!!! That's one thing I've got to admit. If you didn't KNOW me or any of my friends, and you'd see us walking by... you'd probably not think much of our conversation. But chances are... we're talking about some REAL LIFE SHIT that would blow your mind hahaha!!! I've seen it before!! There's always SOMEBODY just sitting to the side, watching and listening and TRYING to comprehend wtf is going on haha and why we're all talking like a bunch of madmen! But its really awesome hah I fkn love it!!! I love teaching something to somebody; making connections for them, or explaining something to them... and then watching it completely flip their wig! It's the best-

Time to take my ass to sleep. I've gotta long day tmrw.. hopefully the weathers nice!! I'm suppose to mow the lawn and do some things around the house for my Dad.. then I'm going out for one of my friend's birthdays. Should be a really great time... get a chance to see some more people I haven't seen in FOREVER!! UNTIL NEXT TIME haha adios people! And remember, you've got to: "Live forever or die in the attempt." - Joseph Heller (1923 - 1999)

I'm on the outside, and I'm looking in.

Today, I've decided to write a book. No hahah not some Harry Potter shit.. it's gonna be some non-fiction. I'm gonna just WRITE and let my thoughts and feelings flow out. More-or-less, a manifesto of my own personal philosophy... a manual to living life, I suppose. Not to say I've got the secrets of Life figured out hahaha I've barely got my OWN life situated! But it seems that in times of struggle and adversity... we usually put our best thoughts forward. And recently... I've been doing a LOT of thinking.

I want to keep it short, though. Readable. Most people these days barely even read magazines!! haha We just skim thru and look at the pictures, right?? That's why I don't want to write some DICTIONARY of a novel or anything hahaha short and sweet and to the point. Something small enough to carry around in your pocket, maybe? Something you'll finish reading and pass along to somebody else. I don't really have the extra funds to get something like that printed up (right now) but hopefully soon? Maybe even try and get a publishing deal who knows?? I guess I've got to worry about WRITING it first ha

I just know, deep down in my heart, that I've got something to offer to the World. Something greater than these blogs hah or rap songs. I want to expand my audience. I want to transcend age, race, religion, and gender. I want to stretch across America from coast to coast.. and even go continent to continent! I want to inspire the World. I want my heart to be strong enough to love all the children of this World. I want to learn how to love EVERYBODY.. even those who hate me. Even those people with pure evil in their hearts I need to LOVE them.

I want to learn how to say "I love you" in every language.

It's just SO HARD for me right now. It's so hard to even know what LOVE is :-( I feel so trapped. So buried alive with emotions. Anger. Depression. Sadness. Confusion. I don't know what else to do anymore. I feel helpless. I feel CRUSHED in between a rock and a hard place. I don't ENJOY anything anymore. I don't TRUST anybody anymore. I don't even know how to cope with the thoughts in my head but I'VE GOT TO FIND A FREEDOM. I've got to break out of this cycle I'm in. I know that sobriety is only helping not hurting BUT I WISH THERE WAS MORE I COULD DO. I wish I had someplace to run away to. Somewhere to hide. Somewhere I could go to just be forgotten about.

Some way of starting over.

But nothing I do seems to help how I feel. Nothing seems to take away the pain in my heart. I try my absolute hardest to remain positive and look forward to my future but it's so difficult. I feel unwanted. I feel unloved. Unappreciated. Lonely. I feel unmotivated. I feel untalented. Misunderstood. And all I can do is keep looking forward. Keep taking Life... one day at a time. Even tho I'm hurting so badly inside.

I use to be so passionate. So charming. My spark use to burn so bright. But now?? My flames been snuffed out and all that's left is the smoke that dances in the air :-[

Thanks alot.

Well you know what they say: "One's first love is always perfect until one meets one's second love." - Elizabeth Aston. I guess I'ma just keep searching.

Day in, and Day out.

They say if you don't deal with it... then it kills you, a little by little. And that's how I've been starting to feel. I keep running and pushing, but I'm not moving :-[ I wanna GO and GET somewhere.

Anywhere is better than here.

I wanna feel like I belong again. Like I could be someone. Someone important haha Right now, we all work the same dead-end job.. day in and day out... day dreaming about a better life. Romantic, huh? Walking around... feeling uninterested, unloved, unappreciated, and unfulfilled. But we've got a choice. We can try to change tonight, or we can live and die this way. Either way.. SOMETHING has gotta give :-/ I'm just so sick of being angry and depressed all the time.

YEAH things are fkd up and yeah I'm stuck in a sticky situation and yeah the Worlds a giant shit-hole.. BUT I WANT TO BE HAPPY hah They say ignorance is bliss well fk me, then. I wanna be stupid as hell hahaha I don't wanna know ANYTHING anymore hahaha just let me be ignorant as hell. It seems like the more I know, the worse I feel. Politically.. spiritually.. emotionally and mentally... I'M A WRECK. I don't know WHAT to think or do anymore.. and it seems like the harder I try, the more things turn around to bite me in the ass haha

It's true what they say.. Believe half of what you see, and none of what you hear.

It's true what they say.. Karma is a bitch.

Nobody said it would be easy. But nobody ever said it would be this so damn hard.

But HEY the grass is always greener on the other side, right?? Here in America, we're taught that from a very young age. "IT ALWAYS GETS BETTER" right?? That's why we cheat... steal... lie.. and divorce eachother. Because it's ALWAYS better on the other side. Our parents? Their parents?? "Love" really meant something. Back then, people were proud to still be together, despite the fact they didn't get along much hahah look at all the older sitcoms where the mother and father fought non-stop hahaha!!

People had honor, and respect back then. Not only for eachother... but for themselves.

Now-a-days?? We read our trashy magazines and we watch "Real World" and the "Desperate Housewives of (insert city)" and we all think it's cool as fk to be married 10 different times, right?? Hell; if this marriage doesn't work out... I'll find somebody else! We consume all this garbage day in and day out.. and NOW?? I'm not too sure Love exists anymore. I mean, we all sit around and say it still haha and we dream about it and talk about it BUT I NEVER SEE IT DO YOU?? Not in our personal lives... and, not in the entertainment industry. It's not in our communities anymore, or our foreign policy even.

Welcome to the age of "Fuck You, Pay Me" where we all are looking out for US and WHATS GOOD FOR US and THAT'S IT. And, if you don't believe me then just take a look around you.

It's time to quit lying to yourself.

Chances are, if you've been "in love" before... it also worked out extremely well for YOU. haha YES plenty of us have had our heart broken before, but when it was good it was GREAT and we felt GREAT and that's what it was. Even the idea of "falling" in love feels great, doesn't it?? Nobody WANTS to be alone. And rarely EVER do you see the person SO love sick, and SO infatuated with somebody they can't ever be with. Usually... IF IT DOESN'T WORK FOR US, we're out. Like: "Fk it." And, those people who are REALLY hopelessly in love? Well we place restraining orders against 'em.

Because selflessly committing yourself to one person..?! That's fkn weird, isn't it??

"Love" is weird :-/

I've been with so many women who told me how LUCKY they were and how GREAT they felt with me until WHOOP there it is; and now they say things like I DON'T DESERVE YOU and bullshit like that :-[ wtf does that even mean?? Why wouldn't you try your hardest to be with somebody if they are "so great??" I don't understand it. But maybe it's not meant to be understood. Maybe we're ALL a little fkn crazy.

What can I say?? I guess they're right. As hard as some of us may try.. we can't force Love. "Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command." - Alan Watts

Really tho.. it's weird, isn't it? Just think about how complete strangers can become passionate lovers... and then, turn into bitter enemies. I can remember all four women I've ever said "I Love You" to... and, I can remember how/what I thought of them the first day I met them. At first you are so attracted and infatuated with them. And after a certain point in time.. you get comfortable and you even start imagining your LIFE with this person. You day dream about growing old together. Then you start to "fight" and make up; and then you REALLY fight haha and argue and piss eachother off. You go back and fourth and back and fourth... AND THEN, there's the last time you see 'em. The drastic differences between all these times in the relationship haha even tho it's the same two people involved.

I'll probably never get the answers that I wanna hear. Things get too complicated.

Maybe I'm wrong maybe love isn't what I need?? Maybe LOVE alone isn't the answer. "Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone - but not the complete structure. It is much too pliable, too yielding." - Bette Davis (1908 - 1989)

"Love" is weird

The tables have turned.

I know we have to look forward but sometimes it's so hard :-/ isn't it?? It doesn't matter if you're talking about a year, a month, a week, or a day... looking in the past is something we ALL are guilty of doing. Sometimes we use the past to justify something in the present. We'll think to ourselves: "he had it coming to him" etc.. Sometimes we rationalize with our past, and think about how different our future is going to be.

Sometimes we just DWELL. Past success or failure.. past memories, past relationships, even opportunities of the past. But it's entirely too possible to become WRAPPED UP in our past. It's obviously nothing we can change... but we forget how easy it is to rewrite our futures haha each and every day, we are given another chance at this crazy game called Life.

We've all got a beautiful and fulfilling life to live. Everything is up to us, and what we choose to do. How we decide to live. Bob Marley said: "if it don't come, I've got to go looking for happiness" and I really love that mentality! You can't expect good things to fall in your lap. Look at these billionaire teenagers, children of celebrities, etc.. these people are usually miserable haha they just look great while they do it! Drug addicts with expensive taste. Selfish. Self-centered, and spoiled rotten. They don't appreciate a damn thing!!

You've got to be a warrior and march with your head held high, right thru any storm in your path! On the other side... the sun will shine brilliantly, and has never felt so warm! TRUST ME I've been there before!!! It's true, the best things in life are free of cost.. but are great in sacrifice!

You can obtain it ALL but you've got to help YOURSELF first!

Right now tho, every single one of us are cheating ourselves. I DON'T CARE how successful you THINK you are, you S T I L L aren't realizing your real potential! Guaranteed!! Not until we quit arguing and fighting over bullshit... Not until we stop dividing and conquering ourselves... we all got so caught up in our Starbucks and our MTV and our i-Phones that we forgot what humans are really capable of!

Remember what it was like without the internet?!

ME EITHER!!!

But believe it or not.. people use to exist without all this garbage haha and infact they got to be so smart they INVENTED this shit we use everyday hahaha

Some of us can't even do math without a calculator haha or an essay without spell check! Or a debate without Google. We can't even reminisce things anymore without photos and videos.. and we don't date without Facebook haha it's pretty fkn pathetic. Books?? That's what the movies are for. Advice?? That's what the TV is for. Newspapers?? That's what blogs are for.....right??

hahaha Yeeaaah I'm completely aware how hypocritical I'm being-

But what do you want ME to do about it?? I'll admit it: I would LOVE to quit rapping and blogging and working and just PACK UP and move to a tropic island hah that would be fkn awesome. Honestly that would be the best thing I could ever imagine hahah that's LIVING right there!! I would just survive off the land.. maybe take up a trade and live like the locals. Probably spend my nights playing some hand drums around a campfire. haha Yea yea yea I'd be poor as shit, but at least everybody else would be too!

Too bad it's not that easy :-[

And as powerful as we all wish we were haha there are some things that I can never change. All I can do is S M I L E, and keep looking forward. Not even days or weeks ahead... maybe just hours? Just take each day as it comes... and try my hardest to enjoy everything in my way. Even the small jabs haha.. just take them, and embrace them! It may be annoying but fk it WHO KNOWS what it may bring!! And, who knows when your last day will be? This isn't a job folks, this is Life! You don't get a two weeks notice-

But don't take MY word for it... wtf do I know?? I'm just some idiot on a computer. "How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live." - Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

Be careful of my heart.

"You and your sweet smile. You and all your tantalizing ways. You and your honey lips. You and all the sweet things that they say. You and your wild wild ways. One day you just up and walked away. You felt me hurting. But I can forgive you for that now. You taught me something. Something took me half my life to learn. When you give all yourself away. Just tell them to be careful of your heart.

Be careful of my heart. Be careful of this heart of mine. It just might break and send some splinters flying. Be careful of my heart.

You took my love. Thought you took it all.

You took my love.

And now you're gone

But I'm not breaking down. And I'm not falling apart. I just lost a little faith. When you broke my heart. Given a chance.. I might try it again. But I wouldn't risk it all this time. I'd save a little love for myself. Enough for my heart to mend. A little love for myself

One day I just might love again

One day some sweet smile might turn my heart

One day I just might give all myself away"

-Tracy Chapmen

Home, Sweet home.

"Life's a voyage that's homeward bound." - Herman Melville (1819 - 1891)

As great as it was to take a mini vacation... it feels good to be home!! I'll tell ya what, tho... Cincinnati and Kentucky were awesome!! I'd move down there!!!!!

After the graduation party... me, my sister, and my brother-in-law all went exploring haha. We ended up at this little city called Newport, which is on the water (Kentucky side) and is FULL of shops, restaurants, and bars. They had a huge boardwalk that was pretty much an outdoor shopping mall! I'm talkin' about: Gamworks, clubs, AMC 20, a comedy club, gift shops, Johnny Rockets, an aquarium... TONS of stuff to do!!! We walked around a bit before stopping and getting somethin' to eat. Got a ton of great pictures, too!

This little town was PACKED tho!!! I mean... shoulder to shoulder people! All of em were about 20-29 too, a real young crowd. Turns out, there's 5 college universities with-in 10miles of Newport, and they ALL offer shuttles in and out! THAT'S why it was so damn packed hahaha I guess it's always like that!! Very cool city, to say the least!

They ever have a foot bridge across the river into downtown Cincinnati (which I had all intentions of walking) but since there was a Reds game (fyi: Cincinnati's baseball team) the entire bridge, and city, was PACKED haha so we just enjoyed the night from our side of the water.

Watched the Red Wings stomp some Pittsburg ass into the ice. That was nice. Got back to the hotel room around 2am, watched an extremely overpriced movie and crashed.

The ride home wasn't bad at all (esspecially when you sleep for half of it) haha but we DID stop at a Wafflehouse and got some breakfast/lunch. I got some really good photos... got a little sun... ALL in ALL?? A great trip!! I'd definitely want to go back to Newport again :-)

You know what they say, tho... "A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it." - George Moore

LIVE from Kentucky... it's Saturday Night!

Just got down here and boy is it beautiful down here?? The drive wasn't bad at all (4.5hrs) and now we're at my cousin's house in Kentucky. My family lives just south of the Ohio River, so you can overlook downtown Cincinnati, too. So you've got these two great towns only miles apart.. it's pretty righteous!

I'm here for my cousin's graduation, which is exciting! She's got a full-ride to Eastern Michigan University for soccer, too!! BUT, the only time she's ever been to Michigan was for EMU orientation, etc... SO, me and my sister are planning to take her out once she moves up here. Show her Ann Arbor and Royal Oak, and such..

She got a new car for her graduation present... but they made her do a scavenger hunt ALL thru town hahaha she finally ended up at a storage compound haha. There, she had a HUGE math problem to figure out, and the answer was the number on the storage unit with her car in it haha quite an adventure.

Oh Lord I've been stuffing my face with finger foods alll day haha but that's alright! What else do you do at graduation parties, besides eat and talk??

Alright, I gotta go outside I'M BEING SUMMONED FOR PICTURES hah! Adios

Oh yay. Tired and ichy

Sorry for the delay in posts.. dunno if any of you have noticed that hah-

My computer, like me, has been a little under the weather. The internet keeps freezing on this damn thing.. and ME? Poisin Ivy ;-) yea yea yea serves me right for hikin' around huh

Well I've got it under control now, and I think the CPU should be good... so I'm back in business. Right in time, too... I'm going with my family down to Cincinnati tmrw for a cousin's graduation party. Should be a fun road trip (I'm riding separately with my sister and my brother-in-law)

It'll be nice to catch up with some family.. it's so crazy how fast they grow up on ya!!

"We must use time as a tool, not as a crutch." - John F. Kennedy (1917 - 1963)

I've been job hunting like crazy and it's looking real good. Yea, I'm crazy haha I want as many jobs as I can get, you know?? No such thing as TOO MUCH money.

I'm about to go lay down and read a book, tho. I'm exhausted! I'm gonna try (if I get a chance) to get to a computer sometime tmrw, maybe in the hotel room? And, hopefully I'll post a new entry with some pics from that AWESOME new digital camera I just got ;-)

If not?? I'll talk to you all on Sunday!! Have a great weekend

Born of a broken man.

I can't believe the Wings lost again :-(

Oh well I guess they're just trying to build up some suspense haha YEAAAH that must be it. Well, sports aside, I hope you all are doing well atleast. I know, I know, I know... LIFE IS fkn CRAZY hahaha

It's always something, isn't it??

"Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success." - Brian Adams

I think it's real funny how people who try and quit something, always have to replace the original habit (they're trying to quit) with a new, slightly better habit. I don't drink beer anymore, right? But can somebody tell me why I feel thirsty 24/7 now?? I mean... THIRSTY too. Like I'm in a fkn desert or something!! I'll suck down an entire 12 pack of ice teas in a day haha and now it's A&W rootbeer this shit is crack! hahaha

To help quit smoking I chewed gum haha that seems to help pretty well. Not nicotine gum tho because I've a firm believer that if you're going to quit smoking, there is no point maintaining a healthy nicotine addiction thru gum or the patch or anything like that. Just QUIT, already!

But now I've got packs of gum layin' all over the place... reminds me of those Newport boxes you could find hidden all over my house and car and garage hahaha like some sort of sick Easter egg hunt for smokers hahaha

Or empty baggies? hahah EVERYWHERE

People replace all sorts of things like this. Coffee, soda, candy, energy drinks. Even gamblers, workaholics, shopaholics, and sexaholics. If you cut out one of your vices... you almost INSTANTLY replace it with something else haha. You might cut some fatty foods from your diet, and replace it with exercising... but now, your exercise regiment is as addictive and consuming as the McDonalds use to be. Exercise is your new vice.

In many cases, the new vices are BETTER than the old ones. They might be cheaper... or healthier... or legal hah

But can't we ever just live VICELESS?? Without urge? Without craving? Or is it really just our human nature to feel unfulfilled?? hah Maybe we NEED our vices? To add structure to our lives? To add meaning and identity??

I don't know!! I'm just thinking aloud right now. It's weird how things can take a hold of our lives, and wrap their chains around us. Our legs... our arms.. we become tangled and chained to our vices. And, we all walk around.. each and every day.. dragging our vices behind us.

I want to break my chains. I want to be f r e e

But "nobody can give you freedom. Nobody can give you equality or justice or anything. If you're a man, you take it." - Malcolm X (1925 - 1965)

Like a thousand moths in the lampshade.

I've been trying to stay as busy as possible... keep my mind off things, you know?? I have a tendency to over think EVERYTHING hahaha so if I can even get a FEW minutes of peace it's nice. I've noticed that karma really is a bitch, tho.

Freal hahah and I can't even take her on a date

Maybe it's me being completely disillusion, BUT I can see how things I've done in the past have come back to bite me in the ass. NO JOKE! It's even very similar situations.. just flipped on me. Things I thought I would "get away with" haha

But that's life.

"What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing." - Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900) that's me alright haha

I still haven't had a chance to get back in the booth and record some new songs. I think this is the LONGEST I've gone without recordings since..... jail? Damn. That can't be right, but it FEELS that long. However, I got a call today from an old promoter I use to work with. He booked me up for two dates in July so that's cool I'll have some shows comin' up. Just doesn't feel the same, you know?? Don't get me wrong I LOVE MAKING MUSIC-

I've just got new priorities now.

I've been spending a lot of time at home, with family. Kinda been a loner haha so if you haven't seen me in FOREVER don't take it personal hah I've been low key as fk. Whenever I go out I want to get back into my old bad habits hahaha the idea of going to a bar and NOT drinking atleast A beer :-/ ha but it's cool it just takes self control. And time.

A peaceful heart, and disciplined mind. These are the only tools I need.

The day the Sun went out.

You can't just measure a man by the number of victories he has. You must also look at how that man handles defeat. STRENGTH doesn't mean you win all the time haha real strength means you can lose gracefully. No matter how great you think you are... NOBODY is undefeated. We've all lost our share of battles. But all that matters is how we accept our defeat. Do we run home, crying and pouting?? Or, do we brush ourselves off and continue in the war? "We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems." - John W. Gardner (1912 - 2002)

There is going to come a time in our lives, when we are completely alone. No teammates. No coach. No cheerleaders. No fans.

Just us.

And, at that moment, we decide what kind of person we are. Do we make excuses? Do we duck and hide? Do we try and sneak around? Or do we step up nose to nose with our adversity? Do we keep swinging until our arms fall off??

"A mind troubled by doubt cannot focus on the course to victory." - Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha

The only person who can stop us, is ourselves. We must FULLY believe in ourselves, and our cause. We must act with pride. And, we must never doubt our own abilities and strengths. There are PLENTY of other people to do that for us hahaha WE must stay vigilant.

We must know that on the battlefield, the only thing we can ask for is survival. We all want the BEST of EVERYTHING but it doesn't work like that haha. We must just be happy with what we've already got!! "I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who overcomes his enemies." - Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC)

I must follow my heart, and let my desires go.

"It is the nature of desire to never be satisfied, and most men live only for the gratification of it." - Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC) we ALL need to start realizing how already gratifying our lives are! Take a deep breathe.... YOU'RE ALIVE!!! And there is no point in gaining the World, if you're only going to lose your soul. Like they say, the best things in life are free. We've just got to be H A P P Y it's that simple!

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." - Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)

I feel really good today. I (obviously) have been feeling a lot healthier since I've quit drinking and smoking... but even mentally, I feel great! Habits are hard to break, yes. And BAD habits are even harder to break haha but I'm pretty proud of myself. A month or two ago... I don't know too many people who would tell you: "yeah, Matt can just STOP drinking beer and smoking weed" but look at me now! :-)

I've realized that I want more control over my life.

"Happiness depends upon ourselves." - Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC)

When people use to live for life.

Things are so drastically different now. Think about how people use to live WAYYY back in time... when the meaning of life was survival. They built their own shelters. They made their own clothes. They hunted their own food. They protected their families from wild beasts and diseases.

Those were the days, weren't they??

They certainly didn't blog, hahah!! They were PROVIDERS. Not just consumers.

"I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. My sons ought to study mathematics and philosophy, geography, natural history, naval architecture, navigation, commerce, and agriculture, in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music, architecture, statuary, tapestry, and porcelain." - John Adams (1735 - 1826)

And now look at us. Allllll the great minds of the past... and alllllll the hard work, and inventions, and wars waged in our name. Waged in the name of a God. And for what??? Cheese in a can, Diet sugar-free zero calorie soda, and edible woman's panties? We've designed our own demise!! Nobody even has to MOVE! We can just sit our fat asses in our Laz-E-Boy chair, and order delivery on our i-Phones.

We don't even have to know where we're going, these days! I'm sure you've seen these people... NO idea where they are headed or how to get there.... i-Phone glued to their hands, eyes glued to the screen. These folks would be useless if the batteries on their little contraption died. They wouldn't even know where to start!! That's why it gets dangerous. We've left even the most BASIC functions up to a computer. At first, it was just fun. And, convenient!

But now, we've completely stopped learning the most basic skills and trades, just because a COMPUTER can do it for us. Nobody has to remember SHIT now.... because, the almighty Google know it's all.

God bless Google, right???

And what more can I ask for?? There is no going back in time. This life.. these politics... this World. It's already been corrupted. "A sound mind in a sound body. A short, but full description of a happy state in this world." - John Locke (1632 - 1704) That's all I'm looking for. A sound mind, in a sound body.

I can't even tell what's real anymore. Even our relationships with each other have become so artificial, and calculated. MySpace? Facebook?? What ever happened to conversation. Like; REAL conversation making. With REAL people?? Is that such an idea of the past??? We've stripped our friendships down to "comments" and "messages" is that it now? People who have been best friends for YEARS.. slip away and now only keep in contact thru some stupid fkn machines.

It's a joke.

I'm convinced. Nano-technology is going to be the death of us, folks. And, we have nobody to blame but ourselves!

Our dumb, apathetic selves.

But wtf are WE gonna do??? I got in to a little conversation about that today. And, about Barrak. Not a debate just a conversation. And I was trying to explain my point of view on politicians.. which is that they're all bullshit. Democrats and Republicans alike. Even "independents" haha they're all bullshit.

And you can't bullshit a bullshitter. This country was bought and paid for YEARS ago. This garbage they shuffle around every four years?? It's just a bunch of nonsense to keep us distracted from how badly we're all getting fkd by the top 1%

These "candidates" are hand selected and endorsed by powerful international bankers. The people who control HOW MUCH OUR MONEY IS WORTH try and imagine that kind of influence. These are the creme de la creme. The cream of the crop. And, they have so much money it means nothing to them. They want power.

So they play international politics, like you or I would play chess. Only; instead of moving around little plastic kings and pawns... they shape policy and opinion by moving around REAL men with REAL money. This isn't monopoly. It's a perfect example of incrimentalism.

That's the idea that... you don't have to control all 30 billion people on this planet to control "the World" all you have to do is control a handful of the most important and influential people. From that, they will (in turn) control their own handful of people and so on.

Before you know it, 4 or 6 people have spread their agenda to MILLIONS. Effective and efficient. And VERY realistic, unfortunately.

THIS IS HOW OUR WORLD IS RUN.

And in this hierarchy of power... honestly... the President of the United States is MAYBE on the 5th or 6th rung hahah that mfkr is a puppet. He's not the guy DECIDING how the World is run... he's simply the guy chosen to tell America whats going on. He has no power trying to de-throne this top 1% because they are responsible for getting Barrak where he is. You can't bite the hand that feeds you.

America (and the World) was sick of George W. Bush, and anything that smelled like him. We wanted the LEAST old white man we could get!! And the 1% knew this they're not stupid. Even old white Republicans wanted something different.

So we were given the best of both Worlds. It was almost like a "alright shut up already"

Do you want the first WOMAN president, or the first BLACK president?!? Neither of them remind us of George W. Bush, right???? I mean... it's going to be DIFFERENT now, right?? Everything is going to CHANGE!!

Too bad that Clinton, Obama, AND McCain were all paid for by the same large multinational corporates. Go back, and look at who contributed to their campaigns. The same lobbys. The same constituents. The same international bankers. WHY WOULD THAT HAPPEN THO??

Because, it's really hard to lose when you play for every team.

You've got to understand that people wouldn't even GET FAR ENOUGH for you to cast a vote for them... IF, they weren't already approved by this top 1%

THEY decide who they want to run this country... and then they pump enough money, media attention, and rhetoric into their campaign until we all agree and vote them in hahah like it was OUR choice or something haha

"All power corrupts, but we need the electricity." - Unknown

Thats why I laugh when I see these bumper stickers that are like: "SAVE OUR PLANET" haha the planet is gonna be just fine we need to save OURSELVES!