I'm on the outside, and I'm looking in.

Today, I've decided to write a book. No hahah not some Harry Potter shit.. it's gonna be some non-fiction. I'm gonna just WRITE and let my thoughts and feelings flow out. More-or-less, a manifesto of my own personal philosophy... a manual to living life, I suppose. Not to say I've got the secrets of Life figured out hahaha I've barely got my OWN life situated! But it seems that in times of struggle and adversity... we usually put our best thoughts forward. And recently... I've been doing a LOT of thinking.

I want to keep it short, though. Readable. Most people these days barely even read magazines!! haha We just skim thru and look at the pictures, right?? That's why I don't want to write some DICTIONARY of a novel or anything hahaha short and sweet and to the point. Something small enough to carry around in your pocket, maybe? Something you'll finish reading and pass along to somebody else. I don't really have the extra funds to get something like that printed up (right now) but hopefully soon? Maybe even try and get a publishing deal who knows?? I guess I've got to worry about WRITING it first ha

I just know, deep down in my heart, that I've got something to offer to the World. Something greater than these blogs hah or rap songs. I want to expand my audience. I want to transcend age, race, religion, and gender. I want to stretch across America from coast to coast.. and even go continent to continent! I want to inspire the World. I want my heart to be strong enough to love all the children of this World. I want to learn how to love EVERYBODY.. even those who hate me. Even those people with pure evil in their hearts I need to LOVE them.

I want to learn how to say "I love you" in every language.

It's just SO HARD for me right now. It's so hard to even know what LOVE is :-( I feel so trapped. So buried alive with emotions. Anger. Depression. Sadness. Confusion. I don't know what else to do anymore. I feel helpless. I feel CRUSHED in between a rock and a hard place. I don't ENJOY anything anymore. I don't TRUST anybody anymore. I don't even know how to cope with the thoughts in my head but I'VE GOT TO FIND A FREEDOM. I've got to break out of this cycle I'm in. I know that sobriety is only helping not hurting BUT I WISH THERE WAS MORE I COULD DO. I wish I had someplace to run away to. Somewhere to hide. Somewhere I could go to just be forgotten about.

Some way of starting over.

But nothing I do seems to help how I feel. Nothing seems to take away the pain in my heart. I try my absolute hardest to remain positive and look forward to my future but it's so difficult. I feel unwanted. I feel unloved. Unappreciated. Lonely. I feel unmotivated. I feel untalented. Misunderstood. And all I can do is keep looking forward. Keep taking Life... one day at a time. Even tho I'm hurting so badly inside.

I use to be so passionate. So charming. My spark use to burn so bright. But now?? My flames been snuffed out and all that's left is the smoke that dances in the air :-[

Thanks alot.

Well you know what they say: "One's first love is always perfect until one meets one's second love." - Elizabeth Aston. I guess I'ma just keep searching.