Day in, and Day out.

They say if you don't deal with it... then it kills you, a little by little. And that's how I've been starting to feel. I keep running and pushing, but I'm not moving :-[ I wanna GO and GET somewhere.

Anywhere is better than here.

I wanna feel like I belong again. Like I could be someone. Someone important haha Right now, we all work the same dead-end job.. day in and day out... day dreaming about a better life. Romantic, huh? Walking around... feeling uninterested, unloved, unappreciated, and unfulfilled. But we've got a choice. We can try to change tonight, or we can live and die this way. Either way.. SOMETHING has gotta give :-/ I'm just so sick of being angry and depressed all the time.

YEAH things are fkd up and yeah I'm stuck in a sticky situation and yeah the Worlds a giant shit-hole.. BUT I WANT TO BE HAPPY hah They say ignorance is bliss well fk me, then. I wanna be stupid as hell hahaha I don't wanna know ANYTHING anymore hahaha just let me be ignorant as hell. It seems like the more I know, the worse I feel. Politically.. spiritually.. emotionally and mentally... I'M A WRECK. I don't know WHAT to think or do anymore.. and it seems like the harder I try, the more things turn around to bite me in the ass haha

It's true what they say.. Believe half of what you see, and none of what you hear.

It's true what they say.. Karma is a bitch.

Nobody said it would be easy. But nobody ever said it would be this so damn hard.

But HEY the grass is always greener on the other side, right?? Here in America, we're taught that from a very young age. "IT ALWAYS GETS BETTER" right?? That's why we cheat... steal... lie.. and divorce eachother. Because it's ALWAYS better on the other side. Our parents? Their parents?? "Love" really meant something. Back then, people were proud to still be together, despite the fact they didn't get along much hahah look at all the older sitcoms where the mother and father fought non-stop hahaha!!

People had honor, and respect back then. Not only for eachother... but for themselves.

Now-a-days?? We read our trashy magazines and we watch "Real World" and the "Desperate Housewives of (insert city)" and we all think it's cool as fk to be married 10 different times, right?? Hell; if this marriage doesn't work out... I'll find somebody else! We consume all this garbage day in and day out.. and NOW?? I'm not too sure Love exists anymore. I mean, we all sit around and say it still haha and we dream about it and talk about it BUT I NEVER SEE IT DO YOU?? Not in our personal lives... and, not in the entertainment industry. It's not in our communities anymore, or our foreign policy even.

Welcome to the age of "Fuck You, Pay Me" where we all are looking out for US and WHATS GOOD FOR US and THAT'S IT. And, if you don't believe me then just take a look around you.

It's time to quit lying to yourself.

Chances are, if you've been "in love" before... it also worked out extremely well for YOU. haha YES plenty of us have had our heart broken before, but when it was good it was GREAT and we felt GREAT and that's what it was. Even the idea of "falling" in love feels great, doesn't it?? Nobody WANTS to be alone. And rarely EVER do you see the person SO love sick, and SO infatuated with somebody they can't ever be with. Usually... IF IT DOESN'T WORK FOR US, we're out. Like: "Fk it." And, those people who are REALLY hopelessly in love? Well we place restraining orders against 'em.

Because selflessly committing yourself to one person..?! That's fkn weird, isn't it??

"Love" is weird :-/

I've been with so many women who told me how LUCKY they were and how GREAT they felt with me until WHOOP there it is; and now they say things like I DON'T DESERVE YOU and bullshit like that :-[ wtf does that even mean?? Why wouldn't you try your hardest to be with somebody if they are "so great??" I don't understand it. But maybe it's not meant to be understood. Maybe we're ALL a little fkn crazy.

What can I say?? I guess they're right. As hard as some of us may try.. we can't force Love. "Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command." - Alan Watts

Really tho.. it's weird, isn't it? Just think about how complete strangers can become passionate lovers... and then, turn into bitter enemies. I can remember all four women I've ever said "I Love You" to... and, I can remember how/what I thought of them the first day I met them. At first you are so attracted and infatuated with them. And after a certain point in time.. you get comfortable and you even start imagining your LIFE with this person. You day dream about growing old together. Then you start to "fight" and make up; and then you REALLY fight haha and argue and piss eachother off. You go back and fourth and back and fourth... AND THEN, there's the last time you see 'em. The drastic differences between all these times in the relationship haha even tho it's the same two people involved.

I'll probably never get the answers that I wanna hear. Things get too complicated.

Maybe I'm wrong maybe love isn't what I need?? Maybe LOVE alone isn't the answer. "Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone - but not the complete structure. It is much too pliable, too yielding." - Bette Davis (1908 - 1989)

"Love" is weird