One of these days, I'll find my way.

I woke up today, and can already feel myself slip in a bad mood haha I've got to just relax, and enjoy this beautiful weather. It's just really weird to think about what I WOULD be doing on a day like this. Maybe have a bunch of people over? Or, go out. BBQ some food. Drink some cold beers, and smoke hella weed alll day haha chain smoke Newports until I can't even breathe ha.. stay up late and flirt with some pretty women?? Something along those lines-

But instead, I'm just chill'n at the crib. Alone, ha. Typing on this damn contraption hahah. I already vacuumed the house, and did the dishes :-/ bout to mow the lawn maybe. Sober as a nun. Solo dolo. No plans. Yay?

I can't let days like this discourage me, tho.

Trust me, I'm tryin' the hardest I can. I wake up, and I take a deep breathe, and SMILE. Regardless of what side of the bed I'm on. But, I've got to do a better job of focusing the positive energy in my life. I've got so many awesome things going on right now... I can't let these 1 or 2 obstacles stop me!!

I just feel alone, I guess. I was already a loner haha but this sobriety has kinda alienated me even more. But, that's okay!! I've just got to learn how to roll with it. I can't rely on anybody else. I've got to be able to pick up my own head and hold it high. I've got to carry myself across the finish line and that's it! That's all that matters right now-

"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes." - Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001) What a great quote hahaha I love it! To me, this means one thing. If you really want to get something done... you've got to put your whole heart into it. You can't just throw peanuts, and expect to move an elephant! You've got to REALLY work for anything worth having. It's like they say: "..you can lead a horse to the water, but you can't make him drink." I can't change anybody but myself, and I've got to accept that. I can interest you or maybe even inspire you. But, making a REAL change, takes REAL dedication. REAL conviction.

We've got to expect that of ourselves, AND others.

I was talking with a friend, and we both said how we are afraid of never being loved. Surly, the idea of being alone is terrifying for ANYBODY to think about.

But, that got me wondering.. how can we ever feel "unloved" if we truly love ourselves?? Maybe that's the solution!! Maybe once we really fall in love with ourselves, it becomes impossible to feel alone!

I'd like to think I love who I am. But, maybe I don't??

Think of the strength people use to possess. They spent months on rickety old boats, crossing thousands of miles of ocean. Nearly starving to death on the journey (if the disease didn't kill them first)

And, when they arrived here... it was NOTHING but wilderness. These people constructed an entire NATION! Starting with one house in one little village on the coast of this great Continent. And, it spread like a brush fire!! Until there were banks and corporations and massive cities and intricate governments. These people built it ALL FROM SCRATCH.

That's not to dismiss the terrible things those early white settlers did. They committed some despicable crimes against women, children, Indians, and blacks. But, they were STRONG back then. That's my point. And, now look at us ha. We don't even have basic patience anymore! We Google our questions, we spell-check our writings, we twitter from our phones, we microwave our meals, and we use 1-hour photo!!

"ONE-HOUR PHOTO?! You just SAW the fkn thing!!" - George Carlin

But this is the American way. It's how we were raised. It's been encoded in our DNA. These new generations... my generation.. is apathetic, and lazy, and selfish at best. We got it from the baby boomers. And now, we're passing it down to our younger siblings and our children.

It's no longer cool enough to be a little high before school. I remember kids use to come to class DRUNK and we'd be like: "daaaaaaaaamn!" haha but NOW?? I hear about kids going to school ROLLIN' BALLS on some pills, or doin' coke in the bathroom?!

How does that even sound enjoyable??

"Yeah! Let's get all SUPER fkd up, and go to math class!!!"

No thanks.

But that's the way things are. We all feel hopeless. Stuck. Trapped. And the fact that we care, is slowly disappearing. I can't say I blame them, either. There aren't a whole lot of opportunities for these kids right now. No good jobs. No chances of retirement. Corrupt government officials at all levels. Expensive health care, and unaffordable costs of college.

But maybe we did this all to ourselves?

"The universe may not always play fair, but at least it's got a hell of a sense of humor." - Michael Patrick King, from Sex and the City. Ain't THAT the truth haha. Ever feel like something happens to you FOR A REASON?? Some call it karma, some call it fate; I dunno what it is, but it feels like things happen to spite you sometimes, doesn't it??

Maybe it's life's little way of getting back at you. Or, maybe it's life's way of giving you another chance to better yourself?! Maybe it let's you right your wrongs?? Either way, this life we live is crazy, isn't it? So many questions and NO ANSWERS haha but that's the best part. All we can do is LIVE. That's all. Try'n be the best person you can be... and, take your life one day at a time. You can't just FORGET the things that have happened to you, but you must not live in the past!!! You can't even spend too much time in the future! You must just enjoy NOW. Handle whats in front of you currently. "Time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters." - Margaret Peters