Cold turkey and Mayo, on the bread.

I've had quite a wild ride, to say the least. I'd like to consider myself some-what wise (regardless of the few legal mistakes I've made in the past) but nonetheless.. here I am, ALIVE! And yet slightly intelligent, and a "d r e a m e r" to say the least, right?

I'm mean... let's say America DOESN'T fall into a giant shit hole for the next 5-20 years... still there are MILLIONS of young people in my shoes. Creative. Talented. And determined to try pursuing their dream!? Still... I'm in the trenches.

But I've realized that the only thing holding me back..... is ME! Just the other day I saw a quote I loved on (of all places) an AIM away msg my buddy Mike had up and it said "To see a change, you have the be the change."

That really inspired me.. and got me thinking a lot about my current situation. I mean.... I need to figure SOMETHING out.. quick! It's soooo easy to pass blame, and dodge situation, and duck confrontation. But if you ALWAYS stick to the low road... you'll find yourself in the ditches ha.

I really find peace and therapy in writing and the art of words. I've always been a fluent, and proficient writer.. but I need it now of (of all times.) Writing is a way to completely clear your mind. It's like a mental yoga (yeah "mental yoga" steal it if you want.)

Never mind the metaphors, it's a R E L E A SE and it's something I need to take more advantage of. Hope it's entertaining enough to read... and, I hope it's interesting enough to make you think. I hope. I hope that I can only happen to say that o n e thing that sparks off in your head. And, intrigues you. And, pulls on your curiosity.

I've recently discovered that LIFE IS FKN CRAZY, folks!!! ha And trust me! You can never know what will happen next. Sometimes... that's the best part! Something completely random and miraculous will happen and it will make your day! Your week, even!

S o m e t i m e s, though.... it feels like life is throwing you a hand two short and the deck is stacked. Sometimes, it feels like too much.

To this very day... I hold a old quote close to my heart. I don't know if it is the words themselves, or the time in my life in which I heard them..... but for years this has been my favorite quote of all time. "Life isn't getting what you want. It's wanting what you get." How insightful is that?? Take that in for a second...

........the author??

Well, the hell if I know who first wrote it but I (shamelessly) heard it from Slater off of "Saved by the Bell." haha Ridiculously, I know. But that's how the fk life is haha. And I'm so grateful for everything I have and everything I've been given but sometimes I feel like I take this ONE AND ONLY life I've been given and I take it for granted. I catch myself slippin'..

.....I dunno WHAT to do anymore..

But I DO know o n e thing that's for sure. And (I know) it's 3 in the fkn morning but I've had this on my heart for a w h i l e and why not start fresh on a Monday?? I've got this new job starting.... I gotta pay these court fines.... car insurance, driver's responsibility fee, a mortgage, child support, AND! I'm about to get back into school?

Never mind my personal life!! I mean, the average f e e l i n g in Michigan right now is FK EVERYTHING haha :-/ there's NO good jobs no good public schools it's a pretty f k d up situation. Both of my parents' work is related to the auto industry. As with most middle class blue collar families we're prepared for the worst. I'm in a situation where I need to s t e p back and take a good look in the mirror. You know.. not just looking to see if my facial hair is in line ha or noticing how much my ears stick out hahah no! Looking in the mirror and looking deep into my own eyes and asking myself....... "what do you want with life??"

-whew-

Fk a 7/11 that's a big gulp to swallow. A huge valley to bridge! I mean.. let's be honest, this new millennium is n u t s and for young guys my age THEY HAVE IT OUT FOR YOU that's the truth I don't care if you believe me or not young males 16-24 all race all religion THEY HAVE IT OUT FOR YOU so watch your back :-[ Life is n u t s.

And because of the financial situations I'm in... and, the employment situations I'm in... and, the business I need to attend to......... I need to quit.

No, not LIFE don't worry hahaha. I need to quit living a life of excess! Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, staying up late, spending time rapping and chasing women? It all needs to get cut. I need to just kick it all, cold turkey.

All skepticism recognized.. All criticism accepted. I believe enough in M Y S E L F and the power of my own motivation to DO THIS! This will be a REAL LIFE EXPERIMENT in the life of sobriety. A day-2-day journal of my struggle ha. No holds barred. If I cheat and relapse I'll admit it. Nothing to hide here.

Because honestly I don't feel I have any drug addictions besides cigarettes. I enjoy smoking high grade marijuana (and who doesn't, honestly) but that shouldn't be a probably to weed off no pun intended ha. Cigs will suck the most no doubt about it but I can't afford to spend money on my own death anymore. AND THE COST OF A PACK WENT UP?? C'mon Granholm!! It's like investing in my own funeral. The MORE I let the idea of the whole thing freak me out.. the better chance I have of quitting.

So that's it. Smokes... ganja... and beer. Oh yeeeah... the beer. I forgot ha.

I definitely wouldn't consider myself an alcoholic or "one with a drinking problem" but at 22 years old, and two DUIs, I obviously have a problem drinking and getting in trouble with the law. I could sit here and type allllllll day about how innocent I was, and how the cops were dicks and how I got fkd but it wouldn't get us anywhere.

I've found a new fascination with quotes. The idea of one or two sentences being locked in time f o r e v e r it's inspiring. I discovered this Jewish proverb tonight and I find it hilarious.. "If God lived on Earth, people would break his windows."

Humbling, to say the least, right? hahah

Today..... THIS DAY... marks the early hours of DAY ONE of my sobriety. I have no choice but to take it a day at a time. But in the same retrospective.... that's all life is. One day at a time. One second... of one minute... of one hour... of one day. If you dare.. stay tuned to read ALL about my day to day trials and tribulations. I would like to say ATLEAST a daily vent, if not multiple times a day.

AGAIN, I don't mean to pass judgment on anybody but m y s e l f. I live everyday to the fullest... and I LOVE having a good time and partying. But, I hope to make this blog as honest, and uncomfortable as I can for myself.

hahahah YES, regardless if you really read it or not hah

This is my life, folks. I love good bud and cold beer. I love menthol cigarettes and I love spending money like it's the "American dream." I lofe my life, but I hate our generation (to be honest) haha. But, (better late then never) reality has set in. And, I know it's time for me to completely grow up in to the man I see myself as, youKnow??

so whaddup, you gonna help H O L D M E D O W N ? ? ?

I'ma try my best to bring you EXCLUSIVE internal dialogue through-out this entire process. My up's.. my downs.. and everything in between! Day by day... I want to bring you along with me. Life is c r a z y, but I've got my safety belt on.. and, I'm trying to enjoy the ride!! Won't you come along with me?? Let's just take it a day at a time.-