Daily Bread

adios

2009-08-15T07:56:00.000-07:00

"Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future." - Oscar Wilde

Found my freedom.

2009-08-11T13:22:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, I'm feeling great! Got off work around 730am and went skating when I got home. Nothing major... just around town. Thought I was gonna get flicked by the police for waxing a ledge haha they kept driving by and giving me the stinky eye but fk the police haha this ledge was way too gnarly to pass up!

Got home, took a shower, and took a nap. Woke up and did a few things around the house blah blah blah hahaha I'm about to completely overhaul the website so stay tuned. I've learned a lot about myself this past year.. and now it's time to reflect that.

I'm reorganizing my Life around, and it feels awesome. I'm ready to move on from all the bullshit... and continue focusing on the positive things that I've got going for me. "Love can be sordid only if you work at it." - Brooke McEldowney, 9 Chickweed Lane, 05-10-2006

Hope will heal us all.

2009-08-10T16:42:00.000-07:00

I had such a great day off yesterday!! I ended up going out to eat with one of the fellas, and then ended up shooting some pool at night ;-D

YES this is going to be another short post haha I'm just chillin' out and playing some video games before I goto work. Pretty uneventful day, but sometimes.. those are the best. "Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster." - Quentin Crisp

Hahaha you make me laugh. Yes, YOU.

2009-08-09T16:47:00.000-07:00

It's so funny when people put forth effort to contact you.. to tell you how unimportant you are to them. H A H A H A what sweet, sweet irony?

If I'm so unimportant to you.. then please explain why you're even contacting me. Or better yet, thinking about me at all?? Really? Because I'll be honest... every day that goes by, you are the LAST thing to ever cross my mind. And it's great.

I will never understand some people, and their ability to be so self-absorbed; but at the same time.. lack any real personality of their own at all. I'm sorry if MY blogs are "stupid" to you... but if that's really the case then don't read them. It's that simple. Don't go to MY website and click MY link to MY blog and read MY words and thoughts haha and then go to MY page on MySpace and send ME a message about how boring I am HAHAH why not do something for yourself, for once. Please? Get a fkn hobby or something. So worried about ME when you don't even know who YOU are haha it's sad, really.

But the more I find myself even thinking about these things.. the more I realize they aren't even worth being thought of. Infact, it's not even worth the air in my breathe to speak on, nor the energy in my fingers to type. In actuality, you're just another lost soul.. drifting around, clinging onto anything that gives you a feeling of purpose. Anything that will "want" you... even if just for a second. When really, we all know that feeling of "want" will eventually fade away (like it always has) and it will leave you alone and uninteresting (like you always have been)

There ya go, how's T H A T for a boring blog entry for ya ;-)

In other World news.. I've got the day off work, so I'm going to enjoy it as best as I can! Just got back from Nassau Grille for lunch :-D bout to head to the skatepark for a few hours. YES, I am aware that it's 93 degrees out and YES, I know it's so humid you could drink the air haha.. BUT I WANT TO SKATE!! Hopefully I don't die of heat stroke.

Then again.. I guess it wouldn't be a bad way to go ;-) atleast I'd die doing something I love.. and it'd probably make a few people in the World happy to see me go haha But I doubt they'll get that lucky.

Sorry for being so dramatic today ha sometimes it just rubs off on me. Unfortunately, "Being a little dramatic wins more friends than being boring." - Scott Westerfeld, Midnighters: The Secret Hour, 2004

I get so surrounded by animals and clowns.. that it just feel like I'm in a circus sometimes haha!! Oh well, that's Life. "We all carry around so much pain in our hearts. Love and pain and beauty. They all seem to go together like one little tidy confusing package. It's a messy business, life. It's hard to figure--full of surprises. Some good. Some bad." - Henry Bromel, Northern Exposure, The Big Kiss, 1991

The facts of Life.

2009-08-08T18:03:00.000-07:00

Blah what a rainy day haha rain makes me lazy. I got off work around 7am and TRIED to go skating but as soon as I got outside it started raining :-/ so I just did my work out at home and went to bed.

Woke up around 2pm and it was STILL raining haha so I guess that cancels my plans of hitting up the park today. I may not be a pro skater but I really am IN LOVE with skating again haha I think about it alllll the time now. It's almost taken over rap as my favorite hobby haha!! :-O not to say I can't love both hah

"Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best." - Henry Van Dyke

So since I couldn't skate (damn you rain) instead, I made some chicken burritos and watched that new movie Watchmen. It was a pretty intense movie that seemed to go on fooorrrevvver haha (and I kinda got a little lost in the plot) but it was enjoyable.

I want to learn Portuguese. Random, yes... but I wanna do something I've never done before. I know a little bit of Spanish and a little Japanese but I keep hearing these commercials for that software Rosetta Stone and it really makes me wanna learn a different language. "Eliminate something superfluous from your life. Break a habit. Do something that makes you feel insecure." - Piero Ferrucci

Who am I kidding?? I still have a book to write hahah

Long days = short blogs

Time to relax a little bit before work whew it never stops rollin' hahaha I'm just still tryin' to stay positive and grateful for everything I've got. Let's be honest... up's or down's.. my Life is always pretty awesome :-D

"A full cup must be carried steadily." - English Proverb

Thats how it goes some times..

2009-08-07T20:41:00.000-07:00

Work, work, skate, work, rap, sleep, work, work, thats all I do haha BUT THATS OKAY!! To say the least, I'm exhausted.. and I've still got a full day ahead of me. I haven't had a chance to jump in the studio in a while, so I'm gonna try and record something tmrw.. but we'll see how that goes.
Other than that, Life is going well. I can't wait to have Sunday off :-D

I'ma go eat a sandwich, and chill out before (you guessed it) going to work haha

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." - Henny Youngman (1906 - 1998) hahaha lmfao

Be happy :-)

2009-08-06T19:55:00.000-07:00

"Here is a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it note for note
Don't worry be happy
In every life we have some trouble
When you worry you make it double
Don't worry, be happy......
Ain't got no place to lay your head
Somebody came and took your bed
Don't worry, be happy
The land lord say your rent is late
He may have to litigate
Don't worry, be happy
Lood at me I am happy
Don't worry, be happy
Here I give you my phone number
When you worry call me
I make you happy
Don't worry, be happy
Ain't got no cash, ain't got no style
Ain't got not girl to make you smile
But don't worry be happy
Cause when you worry
Your face will frown
And that will bring everybody down
So don't worry, be happy (now).....
There is this little song I wrote
I hope you learn it note for note
Like good little children
Don't worry, be happy
Listen to what I say
In your life expect some trouble
But when you worry
You make it double
Don't worry, be happy......
Don't worry don't do it, be happy
Put a smile on your face
Don't bring everybody down like this
Don't worry, it will soon past
Whatever it is
Don't worry, be happy"

-Bob Marley, "Dont Worry, Be Happy"

Look above!

2009-08-05T18:42:00.000-07:00

"Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in." - Evan Davis

I'd agree, except for the "sleep in" part haha because it feels like I only get about 2hrs of sleep a day haha. I'd say nice guys don't even get to finish at all hahah sorry I know that was random but thats how I feel about it some times ha!

I got off work around 730am.. came home and could only sleep until 11am. Woke up and worked on a few things in the studio.. then went to the skate park again :-D yea yea sk8 or die bro hahaha

Had a GREAT session today, tho!! Spent 6hrs at the park :-) and I was turning heads (literally) it felt awesome. I can definitely tell that I'm starting to get back to the skill level I use to be at. I was pullin' out some big tricks today, and I didn't fall (BIG fall) once. I've started meeting people there, too.. which is nice. It's always good to have a few people in your phonebook to skate with, you know? It's just like anything else.. you feed off each others energy.

I want to start passing out CDs at the skate parks.. tap into that crowd a little bit. Maybe even try and set up a show at a park? Hip hop and skating go hand in hand... the energy, the rebellion, and the swag. I think it'd be awesome to do some live music at a park... get a LOUD system and have cats skating while I'm rappin' haha it's be dope. It'd be pretty easy to set up, too!

After reading that book "The Secret," I've started to harness it's power, and take advantage of the opportunities. I've realized that you can create ANYTHING for yourself.. you just have to think of it and feel it's ability to be truth. Our minds are stronger than we can comprehend. Everything in this World... all began with a thought. From the greatest invention to the most insightful words, to a powerful protest or gathering of the masses. From the deadliest wars, to the instruments that play a love song hah they ALL started in somebody's mind.

Even down to something so small and insignificant as skating. It's all about visualization. "Everything you can imagine is real." - Pablo Picasso (1881 - 1973)

It's like Kung-Fu hahaha

I'm about to get showered up, and then I'm going out to eat with my sister :-D brother/sissy time haha I love spending time with her. It's so funny how much we use to HATE eachother when we were younger haha our house was like Royal Rumble sometimes

Geez, I love days off haha Jah bless!!!

No one can touch us.

2009-08-04T17:12:00.000-07:00

Woke up kinda early today (before 8am) and went for a short jog before making some breakfast. Then, just chilled out around the house before work..

Got home around 4pm and took a shower and all that jazz. Walked up to the library to return some books, and ended up checking out two more :-D I've been quite the nerd recently. I'm gonna keep this post short I still wanna take a nap before I go into work tonight. Life is great, tho... and, I'm very happy with the way that everything is going right now!

Live big, Dream bigger... that's my new motto. "Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others." - Jonathan Winters

Shred it gnar-gnar, bro!!

2009-08-03T23:32:00.000-07:00

Whew! Finally got a day off hahah whoohoooo!!! I came home at 8am and just collapsed hah skipped my morning work out. In my defense, I knew I was gonna go skating this afternoon but I still felt guilty as hell when I was laying in bed hah (yeah, I know. I'm a weirdo..)

I woke up around 1130am, and made some breakfast. Whenever I have days off... it doesn't matter how exhausted I am haha I still wake up suuuuper early so that I can enjoy the entire day. I started off by making some lunch and doing some errands around the house. Around 1pm, I chilled out in the studio and wrote to a new beat :-D makin' that hot fire!!! "When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece." - John Ruskin (1819 - 1900)

At 3ish my younger cousin came over and we kicked it around the house for a minute. I went to Dunams and Play-It-Again Sports and got a helmet and some wrist guards and knee pads haha and we went to a skatepark in Westland hahaha!!! It was fkn awesome!

For those of you who don't know, I use to aggressive skate... like, 24/7 when I was younger. I mean, I use to have ramps and rails in my garage (my dad is quite the handy man) and I use to do competitions and was even featured in a few videos haha!! Keep in mind, this is yeeears ago. 8th grade, maybe?

Well since I've been working out, I occasionally will go rollerblading around thru town and it's got me thinking more and more about skating haha so I decided fk it I'm gonna get some pads and hit up a park. And thats exactly what I did hahaha

One thing I will say: after being there for a few minutes I noticed that some kids are amazing!! AND, they made me feel old as hell hahaha but whatever; Tony Hawk is like 40 years old and he's still doin' his thang, right??

Now, I'll be the first to admit.. I wasn't nearly as sweet as I use to be. But keep in mind, I haven't done this shit in almost 6 years? haha I went a few times in college just because the campus was so much fun to tear up.. but even my skates are throwbacks haha got em in 97!

It just honestly felt G R E A T to get out there and do it up. Push myself to the limits. I was real proud of myself, and I think I had a smile glued on my face the entire time hahah!!! Yeah, I fell a few times (banged up my wrist a little, and scrapped my knee) but that's the rules of the game. You NEVER go out there and come home completely unscathed. If so, then you didn't really skate. That's the best part!! Visualizing a trick you want to do; and then trying it over and over until you stick it! Yeah, you're gonna fall. But you get back up and try again. And once you finally land, it's the best feeling in the World! "There is nothing like a dream to create the future. Utopia to-day, flesh and blood tomorrow." Victor Hugo (1802 - 1885), Les Miserables, 1862

I think I'm gonna start making it (atleast) a weekly thing. It really felt awesome to get out there again... "shred it gnar-gnar, bro" haha!! At first I kinda felt stupid and old haha but by the time I left, it was one of the best days I've had in a loooooong time. I was talking to all the younger kids, and kept trying harder and harder tricks hah it was incredible.

Came home, showered up, and then me and my cousin went out to get some food and play some pool. All in all?? An excellent fkn day!!! NOT looking forward to going back to work tmrw (gotta work a double at both jobs) but atleast I got Wednesday off :-D and you can already guess what I've got planned.

Hope you got ya lunch packed.

2009-08-02T17:19:00.000-07:00

Busy as fk today haha, so I'm sorry for the short post ha. Worked until 730am this morning... came home and worked out for an hour and a half. Tried to stay awake because I had to go to my second job at 10am. Party on, right? Made some cinnamon and chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, and read my book for an hour or so before I left for the gig.

Got off work a little early because we were slow, so I got home around 3pm :-) took a shower and got changed. My buddy hit me up and I wasn't tired (had caught my second wind) so we went and got some food at Ruby Tuesdays

Came back home a little while ago... decided to work on another new song haha ;-) I've been on some real insightful, chill shit. I like it!! "Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth." - Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

Song of the Day is still gonna be "Good As Could Be" because y'all seem to be bangin' that one out!! Right now, it's ranked at #916 out of 1,719,832 songs! If you haven't checked it out yet, then go and crank it.. and if you've already heard it, go give it another listen ;-) it's worth it.

I'm bout to go lay down and get some winks in before work (again) tonight. I'm real excited to have a day off tmrw haha that goes without saying. Hope you all had a good weekend!!

What you know about that??

2009-08-01T19:13:00.000-07:00

We were SO SLAMMED at work :-/ I didn't get home until 9am. whew. Yeah, yeah, yeah.. that's an 11hr shift, folks. But atleast I got some overtime this week.

Regardless of how exhausted I was, I still forced myself to go work out. I didn't do as much as I usually would.. but I figured I might as well go do what I could. Got home, made some food, and passed out on the couch watching the X-Games on TV haha those dudes are nuts.

I had a pretty uneventful day haha just tried to save up some energy for tonight. I work at 10pm... then go to my second job at 10am til 4pm.. then work again at 10pm on Sunday :-( and you know what?? Fk a double, thats more like working a triple if you ask me.

It was nice to relax, tho. I've had a lot on my mind these past few days. I keep telling myself to stay positive, and to let it go.. but it's hard sometimes, you know?? I've got so many awesome things going on in my Life, I just wish I had somebody to share it with.. you know? But they say you can't fully love another until you love yourself so thats what I'm doing I'm just focusing on ME right now. It's all I can do. "The roses, the lovely notes, the dining and dancing are all welcome and splendid. But when the Godiva is gone, the gift of real love is having someone who'll go the distance with you. Someone who, when the wedding day limo breaks down, is willing to share a seat on the bus." - Oprah Winfrey (1954 - )

I've just been so damn busy haha the days fly by so fast!! My weekends don't even seem anything like they use to haha I can remember GOING OUT and partying and enjoying my time with friends haha NOT SO MUCH anymore but thats okay I'm still as good as could be ;-) hahaha! I'm really looking forward to Monday tho.. got the day off, and I've made some plans already for the afternoon AND the evening. It'll be a good day :-D

Time to eat some dinner, and get ready to goto work. Hopefully, we won't be as busy as last night ha. I'm sucha busy boy now hahaha oh well time to grow up. Adios!

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying." - Woody Allen (1935 - ) hahaha!

..and that's Life, baby.

2009-07-31T16:08:00.000-07:00

I am seriously in love with my Life right now!! I got some food with my sister last night, and then came home and read for a few hours. Actually feel asleep at a decent time (around 1am) and got some much deserved rest :-) woke up at 9am tho haha

Somehow, I'm coming down with a cold. blah. Summer colds suck haha got me feelin' sicker than a dog haha but I've been chuggin' down this hot tea, and eatting cough drops like candy hah!!

I was screwin' around on the computer and found a JAZZY beat that I couldn't turn off repeat haha so I decided to write to it. Hadn't written a song in a while but it felt (and went) great!! Before I knew it... I had 2 verses and a hook finished :-D so I figured might as well record it, right?? Jumped into the studio and before noon had made a hit record.

I just uploaded it to my SoundClick page and made it the Song of the Day. It's called "Good As Could Be" and I'd love to hear your feedback on it! I reeeaally like this one :-D it's so heartfelt. The beat is some smooth, hiphoppy shit. The hook is real hypnotizing. And the verses are pure poetry, no way around it. The song reflects my new found positivity, and showcases how happy I am with my Life. "Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807 - 1882)

After I finished the new track, I made me and my dad some lunch. Did some errands around the house, and then sat in my backyard in the shade and worked on my book :-D what a great day!! I see the World so differently now ha I find beauty in everything I look at. I was looking at the birds fly around for about an hour today haha just watching them and the squirrels and the clouds and the trees. Life is gorgeous. It's breath-taking!

I'm bout to take a shot of NyQuil and get some rest before work. Hopefully I can kill this cold before it starts haha ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND folks!!

I'ma go and keep it going.

2009-07-30T18:10:00.000-07:00

Work went good last night... got outta there around 7am. Came home and went rollerblading for an hour, and then worked out for a little bit before going to sleep. I woke up around noon, which was great. Gave me plenty of time to get things done :-D

I made some lunch and did a few errands around the house, then headed uptown. I always feel like such a beatnik in that coffee shop haha but fk it, right? I got a lot of work done on my book, too!! I'm gonna sit down with my editor on Monday and go over what I've got so far. He's been doing some research too, so I'm real excited to see what we can come up with!

Talked to somebody that I haven't talked to in ages (it feels like) but it was nice :-D

I've gotten a lot of messages about that book I read. I learned about the Secret thru a friend from high school. Honestly, we weren't even that close in school haha and she's since moved down to the Caribbean haha but we talk online. I had told her how depressed and frustrated I was with my Life, and she told me to read it. And as I've said, it's been Life changing!! Goes to show you how people that seem insignificant can make a major impact on your Life.

With that being said.. I dunno HOW you know me or WHY you read this blog but take it as a sign. I could never repay the favor that friend did for me but I can try and pay it forward!

One of the major themes of this book is visualization... and, being able to manifest things into your Life by thinking of them as real. Feeling as if they already exist. For example, when I think about this book I'm writing... I don't worry about what I'm going to write next. Or, how I'm going to get it published. I just think about holding the book in my hands. I visualize the embossed artwork on the cover.. and I can feel my hands opening the book and fingering thru the pages. I can read the words. From that, the book has been practically writing itself!!

I know it probably sounds insane... but it's the truth! And it works with everything!! Visualize what you want and where you want to be, and your mind will take you there!! "The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes of mind." - William James (1842 - 1910)

I've got the night off, so I'm bout to go meet up with my sister for some dinner. I must say, these past few weeks has been awesome for me. I can really feel my Life coming together into something beautiful. Pulling itself into exactly what I've always wanted :-D and each day I wake up excited to see where it will take me!

I'm happier than ever (don't worry about me)

2009-07-29T20:21:00.000-07:00

There's something liberating about hard work. Physically pushing yourself to exhaustion. Mentally going for hours and hours. It's tiresome, but it's equally incredible! The gratification I feel after working a long day at both jobs... it's indescribable.

I got off work this morning around 730ish, and went for a nice long jog in the rain. The rain felt so cool on my skin I only stopped ONCE to walk a block; whereas I usually walk a block after every 5-10 blocks I run. Today I just kept going. Like a machine. Kept pushing. Kept telling myself GO and kept telling my legs to M O V E even though my muscles felt like they were on fire haha like my veins were pumping battery acid! My bones were screaming at me haha begging me to stop but I couldn't. And, it felt great. Got back home and banged out 200 push-ups and then took a shower.

Shaved the beard off today ;-) had to for my job. It's weird tho, I haven't had a clean face since I was able to grow a beard haha but change is good.

I laid around in bed for an hour or so and read my book before going in to the second job :-D we were super busy so time flew by and before ya know it, 2pm rolled around and I was headed home. Once I got home, I ate some lunch and finished that book "The Secret" that I've been reading. It's honestly life changing and (again) I recommend it to you all!!

It has taught me a LOT about how to deal with things that get thrown at you. Sometimes, life doesn't seem "fair" haha but that's the wrong way to think about it. "Retribution often means that we eventually do to ourselves what we have done unto others." - Eric Hoffer (1902 - 1983)

When you really open your eyes, and reshape your thinking... you realize the intense power of the Universe and how it uses the natural laws of attraction to give us everything we ask for!! If you spend all of your time, dwelling in negativity, than you will be drawn to negative people, events, & circumstances. If you instead choose to focus on life's positive forces, then you will find a whole new World of opportunities. You can't allow yourself to be trapped in your surroundings. JUST KNOW, real power comes from with-in. We are divine, and only we are the creators of our own destiny!!

"Follow your bliss, and the Universe will open doors for you where there were only walls." - Joseph Campbell

It's as simple as doing what makes you happy. What makes you smile? What gives you joy? Whatever it is... DO IT! Because, if you are constantly living in a state of joy and happiness, you will only attract more positive things to you. People will look at you and ask, "what does he know that I don't?"

It's easy.

Our current reality is only the result of our past thoughts and actions. We're constantly living in the residual. For instance, I use to look in the mirror and say "this is who I am" but that's WRONG!! That's not who I am that's who I was. When you define yourself by your current state of affairs (which are really just the outcome of our past) then you doom yourself to have nothing more than the same in the future. "All that we are is a result of what we have thought" - Buddha (563 BC-483 BC)

You've got to think about who you want to be. Think about what you want to be doing, and where you want to be headed. Then, feel as if you are already there. Don't just wish it into the future, but actually make it your current reality. The mind is a powerful (and often untapped resource.) USE IT!!

"Whether you think you can, or you think you can't; either way, you're right." - Henry Ford (1863-1947)

I've gotta go to work soon, but I hope you seriously consider what I'm asking you to do. It's simple. It's confidential. And it will change your life.

Just think about being happy. Just feel happy.

Realize that who you are right now is different than who you were when you started reading this blog. And, who you are right now is different than who you were when you woke up. And, who you were last week is different than who you were last night. And realize that, who you will be an hour from now is different from who you are right now.

But it's all up to you to decide who that is.

My heart is one of a kind.

2009-07-28T17:51:00.000-07:00

It was so nice to have the night off yesterday! I stayed up with my friend until about 5am haha talking and catching up on everything thats going on in our lives. It's awesome when you can hangout with somebody you haven't seen in a long time, and it feels like you haven't even missed a beat. Like you just seen eachother the other day hah

But time doesn't exist, anyways. I guess it's all in your heart really. I'm trying my hardest to be Loving and honest and friendly to everybody... regardless of how long it's been since I've seen them. The harder we love, the harder we get loved back. It is not enough to just try and be grateful. You must feel grateful. You must put in that energy. "We do not believe if we do not live and work according to our belief." - Heidi Wills

I'm realizing the power of our own thoughts.. and the laws of attraction. The words "I am.." are some of the strongest statements you can make, but cause you are expressing your feelings and thoughts as FACT. So, instead of saying "I am tired" or "I am angry" or "I am broke" try and use these powerful words to your advantage. Declare "I am happy" and "I am healthy" and "I am abundant" and you will see your day filled with positive energy.

Our reality is all inside of our mind. And what you believe, you will recieve. Remember, "99% of who we are is invisible and untouchable." - R. Buckminster Fuller (1895-1983)

I lounged around the house today haha finally woke up around 3pm and went for a mid-afternoon jog. Got home and fkd around with my iTunes a little bit... then made some food. I've gotta work 10pm-7am tonight, then 9am-2pm tmrw morning at my second job... and then 10pm-8am again tmrw night! SO with that being said, I'm trying to catch up on some Zzzz's today because I'm gonna need em!!!

I've learned from my mistakes

2009-07-27T22:58:00.000-07:00

Maaaaannn.... a handful of people called off tonight, so work was AWFUL!! Haha okay it wasn't that bad, but I did end up putting in a 10hr shift just to get everything done. On the bright side, I stayed so busy that the time flew by! Got off work and went for my morning work out.. then came home and collapsed in my bed :-D

I'm still "new" to this job technically but my managers seem to love me already, and all of them have individually expressed that it's nice to have me on the team. A couple of co-workers even mentioned that they love working with me because they know things are going to get done! HAHA felt great to hear, honestly. Everybody gets along real well (for the most part) and my work actually feels appreciated there. It's nice.

I've just tried to stay focused on being positive.. and I've noticed how it's affected my life already! People at my jobs are always telling me: "you're way too happy to be here" haha but WHYNOT?! Some people would love to have a job why can't I be grateful for mine?? It's truly amazing how powerful your positivity can be. Even something as simple as a smile. Or when people ask you: "How's it going?" I use to always just respond "ehh, it's going" and laugh it off haha but now? It doesn't matter whats been going on thru-out my day; if somebody askes me "how's it going?" I tell them Great! We should be happy that somebody even takes the time to ask!!!

Some people seem so caught up in their own negative energy that they create a miserable World for themselves. Life is only what you make it, folks. I've learned that the hard way.

"How can you ever expect somebody to enjoy your company, if you don't enjoy your own?" - James Ray

After I woke up, I spent some time reading.. and then headed up to the coffee shop in town to work on my book a little bit. Did some online promotion, and updated the website. I still need to work on the calender, and the e-store. It was pointed out to me that I should include a tracklisting for all the CDs. I think that's a great idea and I'm going to get that done ASAP!!

My dad went outta town for the night, so I made a pizza for me and my mom to eat for dinner. I spent all day, thinking I had to work tonight... but while I was in the kitchen I checked my schedule and WHOOHOO realized I had the day off!! It completely took me by suprise haha! Around 8pm, my sister and her fiance stopped by the house; so I got a chance to chill out with the family. Her wedding is coming soooo soon I can't believe it!! We're all grown up now, that's forsure. It's been such a crazy, exciting year for my entire family haha!

Now? I'm just relaxing and reading some more of this book :-D enjoying my unexpected day off. I just got a txt from an old friend... I think she's about to come over within the next hour. I haven't seen her in.. probably, 7 months?! DAMN time flys when you really try and think about it haha but it'll be so nice to hang out and catch up on everything. Sounds like we've both had an eventful year hahaha

"The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want." - Ben Stein

Hope you all enjoy your night :-) praise Jah bless today!!

Some things are just meant to be

2009-07-26T19:25:00.000-07:00

After work, went jogging in the rain today haha it was pretty awesome. Got done with my workout and went right to sleep haha I really needed some rest, I didn't get much sleep last night and I worked at both jobs.

Once I woke up, I did a couple things online and updated the websites. Song of the Day is "I'm Straight" a remix of the T.I. song by the same name. The track is a year-or-so old but I still love crankin' it out!! It's an upbeat story about how I've turned my life around.. regardless of the adversity and nay-sayers! The song is off the Son of David mixtape and can also be downloaded online for free.. check it out!!

I've been reading more of this book "The Secret," and realizing a lot about the power of Love and gratitude. I'm learning to love everybody and everything. Even the smallest of things. Even the annoyances. You can never be fully loved until you can really love yourself and love all others! "Let grace and goodness be the principal loadstone of thy affections. For love which hath ends, will have an end; whereas that which is founded on true virtue, will always continue." - John Dryden (1631 - 1700)

I did a few errands around the house today, and then hungout with one of the fellas. I just got a new watch as a gift yesterday (it looks balllllin!!!) so I made my way to the Westland mall to get some links taken out. Since we were in the area, I decided to hit up Famous Daves to get some messy bbq for dinner. Mmm mm mmmm!!! I hadn't eatten there in so long!

It was nice to get out and catch up with my buddy. Good food and great conversation! "One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time." - Nancy Astor (1879 - 1964)

On the way home, stopped a looked at a few houses :-D it's gonna be awesome when I get my own place!!! I can't wait, honestly. I can't wait to move in, and arrange things exactly how I want them haha and paint and decorate and buy a bunch of shit hahahah I literally do not stop thinking about it haha!! I even day dream about mowing the lawn hahaha!! "Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night." - Edgar Allan Poe (1809 - 1849)

This book is teaching me to visualize and to think of things as mine, instead of thinking about how much I "want them." If you only think "someday, I want this;" or "soon I want to get that," then you are forever putting it in to the future. You're putting it out of your reach. Think of it as yours, and you shall receive it!!

Today was my last day working a double until Wednesday :-D so I'll get a chance to catch up on some Zzz's and get a few things done around the house! It's about that time to go pack a lunch and get ready for work, tho. Hope you all had a great weekend and hope you have a good Monday!

Oh no, it never really stops going!

2009-07-25T18:03:00.000-07:00

Runnin' on NO sleep hahah I got off work this morning around 7am and went for my usual work out. Had to be at my second job by 9am so I just stayed up and went right after my shower.

I was pretty exhausted by the time I got out of work around 2pm but I had caught my "second wind" and decided to stay awake for a few more hours. The sun was shining... I felt great, and honestly I had a REAL BAD CRAVING for some Mexican food haha so I went out to eat with a buddy and we got a Mexican chicken pizza :-D

After the grub, went house hunting some more. There are SO MANY places out there it's awesome knowing the choice is mine!! It's definitely a buyer's market. Before going home, we swung by the Laurel Park mall and poked around for a little bit.

Between the new house, the new jobs, and everything going on in my personal life... I never would have guessed I would feel this great! "Never say never, for if you live long enough, chances are you will not be able to abide by its restrictions. Never is a long, undependable time, and life is too full of rich possibilities to have restrictions placed upon it." - Gloria Swanson (1899 - 1983)

This book I've been reading has really taught me a lot about the power of possibilities; and the opportunities that exist in optimism! It's easier said than done, but we need to focus more on the immediate moments we occupy, instead of constantly worrying about the future or the past. If you can make a conscious effort to be happy NOW, then every minute you live will be in happiness!! It's like the headlights of a car. They only shine for 100-200ft at the most. But even with the dimmest of headlights, you can drive from NYC to LA in the pitch dark! The same goes for life!! "Take the first step in faith. You don't have the see the entire staircase. Just the first step." - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr (1929-1968)

I'm gonna lay down to read, and tryn get some sleep before going to work tonight. Hope you all are enjoying your weekend as much as I am! Don't forget to S M I L E

Put it in motion.

2009-07-24T16:14:00.000-07:00

I had to wake up around 730am today to continue my management training at the second job. Not too bad... I was only there for about 5 hours. Seems like it's going to be a cool job, and it'll be really nice to get the experience under my belt!

After work, I came home and jumped into the studio for a little bit. Skipped my workout today :-x but I had a lot of things I wanted to get done!! "Days off" is over haha now it's time to start working doubles everyday.

I spent most of the day relaxing, reading this new book. I'll elaborate more later but DAMN this is interesting. AGAIN: I really recommend you all go find a copy for yourself. It's called "The Secret," by Rhonda Byrne (AND THANKS AGAIN to Ashley for pointing me in the right direction :-D it is as awesome as you said it would be)

Today's new Song of the Day is called "Surf" and it's probably one of my favorite songs of all time. I dunno how to describe the mood I was in when I wrote/recorded this track.. but the music perfectly captures the feelings I had. It's another positive vibe hiphop song with an uplifting, hopeful message. (In my humble opinion) the beat, the hook, and my delivery on the verses all work so well together!!

Took a little time to go house hunting today :-D jeez I really love my life right now!! It feels like all the blocks are falling in to place around me! I've just gotta remain focused, and keep my sights set on where I want to be a year from now. Gotta keep putting it in motion! "The person who makes a success of living is the one who see his goal steadily and aims for it unswervingly. That is dedication." - Cecil B. DeMille (1881 - 1959)

Time to take a nap before work tonight! I hope you all enjoy the weekend, and have a little fun for me haha I'll be there in spirit!!! "The reason most people never reach their goals is that they don't define them, or ever seriously consider them as believable or achievable. Winners can tell you where they are going, what they plan to do along the way, and who will be sharing the adventure with them." - Denis Watley

Too good to be true haha

2009-07-23T23:38:00.000-07:00

OFCOURSE I couldn't enjoy two days off in a row haha my second job called me last night and wanted me to start my orientation and training today haha blah I guess it's better to have gotten started instead of waiting for Monday. AND it was early, so I got it done and out of the way.

Last night was a blast!! It was so nice to get out and see some old friends that I haven't talked to in forever... let em know whats going on in my life, and hear all about theirs. PLUS it's always nice meeting new people :-D

After work this morning, I came home and worked out... then took a shower and took a little nap :-) felt nice and lazy hahah but as soon as I woke up, I got back to being productive. Updated the websites, did some online promo, and changed the Song of the Day. Today's song is "Anythang" and it features Devin the Dude and Rick James.

Yes, Rick James!!

I really love the combination of the three of us. Devin kills the hook, and then the little interlude by Rick James (old style Rick) is awesome he really belts it out! The song is all about being appreciative of what you have, and realizing how lucky you are. I've learned that Gratitude is a powerful thing to possess. If you aren't thankful for what you already have... you'll never get what you want! R E A L T A L K

On the advice of a friend from high school, I went up to the library and rented the book "The Secret." I had never heard of it, but she kept ranting and raving about it.. so I figured I would give it a shot. Let me just say, so far it's awesome!! If you've never read it, I suggest you go find a copy for yourself. It's fairly short, and a very easy read. I'm not too far into it yet, but it's already got me thinking a lot!!

After the library, I got a little bit of writing done today; and then headed out to eat with my sister. It was nice, because we both invited some friends and it turned into a giant shindig haha taking over the resturant and eatting together mafia style. Plus, it was a good chance for her to meet some of my friends she's never met, and vise versa. I'm so thankful for all the good people in my life right now! "Being friendless taught me how to be a friend. Funny how that works." - Colleen Wainwright, Communicatrix

I deserve a day to relax..

2009-07-22T18:24:00.000-07:00

Work went by soooo s l o w today hah but Ahhhh it feels great knowing I have the next two days off :-D I've been workin' my ass off these past two weeks!! AND, I gotta chance to sell some CD's at work today haha stayin' on the grizzy.

Went jogging and then snooozed until noonish. When I woke up, I went uptown and did some promo... then headed to the coffee shop and updated the website. Gotta love WiFi ;-) My dad met up with me and we got some lunch, which was nice. It's always good to hangout with pops.

Song of the Day is "Hold U Down" featuring Trey Songz.. and it's about the perfect type of relationship where your girl supports you thru the thick and thin. It's an old song, but I still crank it out because the hook is so damn hot hah Trey sings his ass off... and, the overall vibe is nice and chill. Ladies, this one is for you

Finished a few things in the studio, and then did a couple errands around the house. I haven't gotten as much done as I wanted to, but I'm definitely enjoying my day off!! About to get cleaned up and go meet up with a couple people for dinner!

"I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation." - George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)

It don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine

2009-07-21T21:10:00.000-07:00

Ahh.. I had such a great work out today!! I went jogging for, what seemed like, forever. Then I got home and did my work out (some crunchs and push-ups) until my body felt DEAD haha. I'm really falling in love with my morning work outs. I like pushing myself as far as I can haha knowing that it's not going to kill me, the pain seems almost.. enjoyable. Let's me get out all my anger and frusteration haha. Work went by so fast, and I wasn't tired when I got home; so I worked out, showered, and made some breakfast. Watched the sun rise :-D

I worked on my book for a few hours before I decided it would probably be best to try and fall asleep haha sure enough didn't wake up until 3pm hahah

Since I woke up so late, it was a pretty uneventful day. I uploaded a few more songs to the SoundClick, and officially kicked off the "Song of the Day" today. Today's song was "Guarenteed Fresh" a track I did awhile ago but I L O V E it like I just recorded it yesterday hah. It's an original beat too, so I'll probably use it as the single for the "Return of the Redeye" mixtape. It's a song, all about how many songs I have haha and how all my shit is guarenteed to be fresh. Both, fresh like it's the shit and fresh like it's brand new.

For a while there, I was recording 3-5 songs a week!!! hahah It was nuts.

After I updated the website, I did a little promo for the SOTD and then started writing for another collaberation I'm doing. I can't wait to have the next two days off work haha I've got tons to finish up. I've been CRAZY busy but I love it haha already got the rest of this week booked up and then this weekend is going to be packed, too!! PLUS, booked another show for August 8th so I'm gonna post the details about that tmrw. whew It's true what they say: "If you observe a really happy man, you will find... that he is happy in the course of living life twenty-four crowded hours each day." - W. Beran Wolfe

Tomorrows agenda: wake up early, update the website, online promo during the early afternoon, and street team around 4-5pm for a few hours... then back to my place for a studio session. Out for pizza and house hunting with the fellas after 7pm-ish.. then ANOTHER studio session in the evening. I'll probably stay up super late haha so maybe more online promo after midnight?? I dunno hah it'll work itself out!

FOR NOW? Back to work haha "There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting." - David Letterman (1947 - )

Anything is plenty, man.

2009-07-20T20:59:00.000-07:00

After a nice, slow, relaxing day at work... I came home and went for a little jog. I've gotta work two more days and then I finally get some time off!! Whoohoo!!! I won't know what to do with myself haha (even tho I've already started a "to-do" list of things I gotta get done)

I've already started to create a little bit of a name for myself at work haha I just like talking to people and I try to have fun when I'm there, thats all. Meeting a lot of new friends, tho. I guess that I've always had that type of personality.. explode in to any new situation and put myself out there haha. "There are two types of people in this World--those who come into a room and say, 'Ah, there you are' and those who come in and say, Well, here I am!" - Frederick L Collins

Got home, and took a shower after my work out; then laid in bed for awhile.. playing on the computer. I got off work a few hours earlier than usual (5am instead of 7am haha) so I wasn't really super tired. Wasted some time doing some online promotion... as always. You know what it is ;-) FINALLY fell asleep

Woke up around 2pm and did a few chores around the house before I headed up to the coffee shop. I feel like such a beatnik when I'm up there haha but fk it they've got cheap Chai tea and free WiFi so I'm there. Uploaded a TON of pictures to my PhotoBucket account so go and check em out if you get bored later... some old, some new. I'm about to do a photo shoot for the new album... gotta get some nice flicks for the promotionals. ALSO; added 14 new songs to the SoundClick haha I'm gonna start doing a "Song of the Day" so be prepared for that!! I've got so many songs that none of you have even heard!!! I figure it's time to start putting em online to give you all a taste of the mixtapes. I've been R E A L L Y pushing myself back in to this music shit. With everything thats going on in my personal life, and everything going on in my professional life... I've been super stressed hah but "Unease lies on the head that wears a crown" so I just need to keep going and going and going and not quit. Greatness is a hard summit to reach. But it all starts with the first step, you know??

Got home around 5ish and chilled around the house until a buddy came and picked me up. Went out and got some dinner before work... talked some business on this house I'm about to get :-D

Insider trading is a mfker hahah!!!

And now, it's about time to go to work. All-in-all, it was a great day! I work again on Tuesday and then I've got Wednesday and Thursday off so I'll be in downtown Plymouth handing out promo and selling CD's. . . if you're gonna be in the area, you should swing thru and say 'whadddup' to me! Before I go, I gotta leave you all with this great quote I just found: "Whether you know it or not, you are already there--You are the beauty, the power, the wisdom, the passion, the knowledge, the fire, the calm, the heart and the soul. You are the Star of your Being...now, all you have to do is let yourself shine!" - Unknown

Head held high, and my names on the line.

2009-07-19T20:18:00.000-07:00

I was all excited to get off work and enjoy my Sunday off haha but right before I punched out, my manager asked if I wanted to pick up another shift. They must really like me over there hahaha and I must really like money because I said yes. That makes 8 days in a row now, I've worked. blah :-p

Skipped my work out again and just went straight to bed. I was exhausted!! I really need to quit doing that tho haha I always feel so guilty when I'm laying in bed before I fall asleep.. just thinking to myself: I probably could have still worked out haha it's nothing too extreme and it feels great when I'm finished. I just need to push myself a little extra some days. It's good discipline. "Facing it, always facing it, that's the way to get through. Face it." - Joseph Conrad (1857 - 1924)

It was a pretty uneventful day hah I woke up around 2pm and had some of the fellas come over to chill. Played some video games and made some beats until about 6pm... and then I ate dinner with the family. It was a nice, lazy Sunday haha even though I gotta work tonight. I planned on getting some stuff done today but since I picked up an extra shifted I ended up just relaxing until 8ish :-/ tmrw I'm gonna make a point to get some more things done. I haven't worked on writing my book in a while... been caught up in this music and work.

I officially start my second job next Monday.. which gives me a week of "free time" (when I'm not already working) to get a few things accomplished before I get REALLY busy and start working 60-80hrs a week. Yes... 60-80 hours. Of work. Per week. Can't wait to see these checks haha!! PLUS (after seeing how this new job goes) I might get a 3rd job bartending on Fridays and Saturdays. The opportunity has came up and it would be nice to cash out $700-$800 for two days worth of work. But who knows?? I wanna get comfortable with these two jobs before I take on a third. I know I'm taking on a full plate but theres a lot of things I want right now haha and even more things I need. So, with that being said... it's grind time! "Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else." - James M. Barrie (1860 - 1937)

I've been in a great mood the past 2 weeks and I don't want it to end haha finally starting to feel "normal" again after being so depressed for awhile. It's nice! You know what they say, don't you?? "Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open." - John Barrymore (1882 - 1942)

Might as well roll with it...

2009-07-18T21:14:00.000-07:00

I had a really good day at work but BOY am I tired haha I got home and went for a quick jog but the battery on my iPod died out, so I headed home hah. My managers at work must really like me tho hahah because they keep giving me extra hours, which is awesome. They asked if I wanted to work Saturday night and I couldn't say no..

"When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt." - Henry J. Kaiser (1882 - 1967)

But that means my "weekend off" is not happening hah. Oh well, I need the money anyways.

"Drunk Dials" has slipped back down to #237 today :-/ which isn't bad at all BUT IT'S NOT #1 haha so I'm gonna have to hit the promo EXTRA HARD tmrw!! I got real excited when I seen it hit #288 and I kinda started slippin' (to be honest) hahaha but I can't let up!! I can't get "comfortable." Goes to show you how important each and every day is. Each and every play counts.. and if I don't get to #1, somebody else will. Period.

On the bright side, I got asked to be apart of a showcase on Sept 12th.. so I'll be giving out all the details as soon as I get em. Originally, I was asked to be in the showcase for August 1st but I'm already scheduled to work and I don't really wanna give up the hours; so I had to ask to be in next months show, instead of the one coming up. Either way, it'll give me more time to prepare and promote ;-)

I'll update the calender tmrw after work.. I wanna add some street team days, too. I'll be in downtown Plymouth next week on my days off, selling CD's and handing out handbills again. It went so well last time, that I'm going to make it a point to go down their atleast a few times a month and spend a couple hours putting in work. Nothing beats face to face promotion..

After I woke up, I showered and did some work in the studio.... mixing and mastering some songs I already got recorded. I'm trying to organize the archives a little bit but theres so many damn songs haha it's gonna take some time/work. It'll be nice to have finished, tho. That way, I can put all the finished sessions on my external hard drive, and clear up some space on the studio.

I'm gonna add some more tracks to the SoundClick tmrw so check it out when you get a chance.

Before work, I went out for dinner with my sister and brother-in-law. It's been awhile since we've all had a chance to go out, so that was nice to see them and catch up for a little bit. They didn't come over until 6:30pm tho, so we had to cut it kinda short so that I could make it home in time to get ready and get to work.

Ugh. Another day in the life ;-) hahah

It's something I'm use to by now.

2009-07-17T20:15:00.000-07:00

I feel like a slacker hah I skipped my work out this morning but fk it I was exhausted. I've been goin' on 4 or 5 hrs of sleep and my body can't take much more of it haha.

Woke up and felt pretty refreshed and energized it was nice. Showered, ate a snack, and started working on some beats. I've gotta lot of unfinished collaborations to get finished so I've been trying to tighten up some loose ends. It'll be nice once I'm done, tho. Thru all this online promo I've been doing, I have met a lot of cool cats from all over the place! It can't hurt to have songs all over the state haha

Pretty uneventful day, honestly haha ate dinner with the fam, and then played some video games and did some online promotion before work. I've been trying to switch MySpaces over to my new music page... but adding all my friends from the old page is a pain in my ass!! haha I never understood how some people could spend all day on there but now I've come to realize hah it's such a time consuming process

If you're reading this and HAVEN'T added me as a friend on there... do so, please? http://www.myspace.com/OnTheBread it'll save me some time in the long run. Thanks to everybody whose been showin' me love on there, too! I appreciate all the support!!

I added a couple new songs online today but DON'T FORGET to go and play that track "Drunk Dials" a few times ;-) it's ranked #224 now but I WANNA GET #1 AND I'M GONNA NEED YOUR HELP! All it takes is a minute, so crank it!! All you gotta do is go to http://www.soundclick.com/MattYoung and then spread the word.. pass the link along to all your friends and family let 'em know how we do it!!!

Alright, time to go pack a lunch and get ready for work. If you've got some time off, ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND everybody!! Go to the beach, or go see a movie or concert, or do SOMETHING hhah and enjoy it with me in mind!! I'll be working, but I'll be there with you in spirit!! "Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally is just the by-product of other activities." - Aldous Huxley (1894 - 1963)

Stand tall, and you'll never fall short!

2009-07-16T21:38:00.000-07:00

Geez, I'm exhausted hah! I worked a few extra hours last night, and didn't get home until 8ish. For whatever reason.. I wasn't very tired, so I went rollerblading around town and worked out once I got back home. I know it sounds insane to work out after working a 10hr shift but honestly I know if I put it off until "after I wake up" then I'd never do it haha

Once I got done taking a shower.. the sun was up and I was wide awake hah so I jumped online and fkd around for a little bit.

I surfed over to my SoundClick page to see that "Drunk Dials" had jumped up to #289 over night!! THAT'S AWESOME!! Thanks so much to everybody who has been crankin' that shit out!! It's amazing to see who really supports you when you need it. Sometimes, the people you think are closest to you will let you down... and the people you'd never expect to see, come running into battle with you! At this rate, we'll definitely hit #1!

It's natural to doubt ourselves sometimes. We're all guilty of it. But every once and a while.. something will happen that reaffirms everything we've been doing. And I've just had that happen to me today haha after seeing all the love and support you guys have given me.. I remember why I started rapping in the first place. I REP PLYMOUTH-CANTON TO THE FULLEST and nobody can tell me different haha I DO THIS FOR EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU! I'ma let all the nay-sayers talk hah it doesn't bother me anymore. I've come to realize that if they're talking about you.. regardless of what they say.. you must be pretty important to them hahaha

I may not be a genius haha and no, I'm not the greatest rapper in the World but I do my best, damnit haha and that's all that any of us can do. "Try to learn something about everything, and everything about something." - Thomas H. Huxley (1825 - 1895)

Due to my insomnia, I stayed up until noon.. fkn with some graphics and writing to this new beat I just got emailed to me. I probably could have stayed up later, but I figured it was time to take my ass to bed and TRY to fall asleep. ha

I woke up SUPER LATE hah well a lot later than I wanted to. Ended up having to cancel some plans I had for the afternoon but it was going to be impossible to fit everything in. I was suppose to have the day off today, but last night my manager asked if I wanted to pick up an extra shift and I (obviously) said yes.

So once I crawled out of bed (around 5pm haha) I cut my hair, took a shower, and started reading a little bit. I've definitely been slacking on this book hah but there never seems to be enough hours in the day. It'll be interesting to see what my schedule is like once I start this second job tmrw.

After eatting some dinner with the fam, a buddy of mine came over and we played some video games before I had to go to work. Since I woke up so late... the entire day flew by; and before I knew it, 9 o'clock was rolling around :-/

"Perhaps the most valuable result of all education is the ability to make yourself do the thing you have to do, when it ought to be done, whether you like it or not. It is the first lesson that ought to be learned; and however early a man's training begins, it is probably the last lesson that he learns thoroughly." - Thomas H. Huxley (1825 - 1895)

Yeah, I'm feelin' kinda bossy.

2009-07-15T21:08:00.000-07:00

"The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way" - Unknown

Like I've said before... you never know what the day could bring! I woke up and went for my usual morning run/work out.. then came home and hungout around the house a little bit with my pops. After lunch, I jumped online and started hitting the promo.

SoundClick is running a contest right now to see who can hold the #1 billboard position for 10 days so I figured I would try and direct some traffic to my page. It's been awhile (since the Wolf Gang Radio days) that I've promoted the SoundClick site but fk it. I didn't really have a specific song in mind, just wanted to get people listening to the new tunes. There's tons to choose from.

Well I kept getting alot of positive feedback on the song "Drunk Dials" so I check my stats and HOLY SHIT it was already ranked #844 out of 1,702,538 songs!!! Looks like thats gonna be my cash cow haha so I started promoting ever MORE for that song!

Getting to the #1 spot seems very possible! Especially considering the lead it's already taken!

SOOOO with that being said.. (if you haven't already) surf over to http://www.soundclick.com/MattYoung and listen to my song "Drunk Dials" it's a silly ass song but the beat knocks and people seem to love it! SPREAD THE WORD too!! Pass the link along to all your friends who might be interested.. I need all the plays I can get! There's a whole lot of free music available so check me out ;-)

It feels great to be involved with music again. For a while there, I kinda lost my fire but I'M BACK, baby!! And it seems like I've got the ball rolling again so I just need to stick with the momentum and see where it takes me. This music shit might just seem like a hobby or whatever but IT'S MY LIFE really I'm so in love with music. And, I feel like.. if I really stick with it, I have a good shot at living my dream!

I know it won't be easy. But, I'm ready to put in whatever it takes!! There are a million mfkrs out there who want the same things as me, but I've just got to stay focused and consistant, and bring something MORE to the table. "To accomplish great things, we must dream as well as act." - Anatole France (1844 - 1924)

I've been doing this rap shit for about 5 years now (taking it seriously for 3) and it's been an incredible journey. I've learned a lot about life, and even more about myself. And I know that even if I don't ever become super rich and famous, I'll always have great memories. I'll always beable to say I gave it my all. I've come so far.. failure isn't even possible. I've already succeeded more than I ever expected!!! "The key to realizing a dream is to focus not on success but significance - and then even the small steps and little victories along your path will take on greater meaning." - Oprah Winfrey (1954 - )

It's almost time to pack up my lunch and get ready for work... so I gotta pull myself away from this damn contraption haha! I use to talk a bunch of shit about FaceBook.. until I got one haha but I love it now. It's so nice to get back in touch with old friends. MySpace is good for promo and bullshit like that, but FaceBook is so much more personal. It's awesome! And, it's been great to talk to people I haven't seen (or heard from) in years.

It's wild but today marks 2 months of my new, sober lifestyle. The last 60 days have been crazy (to say the least) but if I've learned anything, it's this. "You have no control over what the other guy does. You only have control over what you do." - A. J. Kitt

Take care of yourself.

Back on the train, again.

2009-07-14T23:47:00.000-07:00

"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them." - Isaac Asimov (1920 - 1992)

With that being said... DAMN, I'm in love with my new computer hahahah!!! I fell asleep with it in bed, next to me like it was a new puppy I just got or something haha what a nerd.

Woke up and went jogging (as usual) kinda whimped out tho so I'm going to make a point to push myself even further tmrw. Once I got home and showered, I headed up into downtown Plymouth to the coffee shop for some lunch and Wi-Fi. Felt like such a fkn yuppie haha but it was great. All these people were on their gigantic, ancient looking laptops and then as soon as I bust out my new netbook I get all the oohhs and aahhs you'd expect from a fireworks show hah

Jealousy is a weak emotion but shiiit even I'd be jealous of me!

I was able to get in some solid online promotion and networking today. Updated the website and SoundClick a little bit... and even booked 2 shows! Yeah, ya boy was productive. NOTE TO ALL: sorry if you feel like I'm spamming you but it's not spam don't take it personal. It's just a young man, trying his hardest to spread the word. I got a lot of real good music.. I just need to put it into people's ears! If you're still offended, then fk off haha you don't understand me (or what I'm trying to do) and you probably ain't my friend anyways :-p

My dad went outta town today so I took my mom out for dinner it was nice. We just went down the street and got some pizza but it was cool to spend some time alone just the two of us... talk about everything thats going on in our lives. She seems so stressed with work and I'm stressed with just about everything hah but we were able to just relax and share some laughs.

ENJOYING MY DAYS OFF, that's forsure.

Got home and played some video games for a little bit.. then turned on the All-Star game, got back online and hit the promo again. I kept telling myself that I would get more done with a laptop; so now that I have one, there is no excuse.

Around 11ish I put on a beat and wrote a new track :-D it turned out great! A real banger about not wanting the club to close haha I'll probably record it tmrw before I go to work.

I can feel myself turning around and becoming more positive. I can notice the small, simple changes in my day to day life. It's pretty awesome, actually. I'm actually SMILING more haha and LAUGHING more.

Smiles+laughs=recipe for good living.

THANK YOU to everybody who has been giving me such good support and advice recently. You'll never understand how much I appreciate it!! Everybody comes to points in their life where they get tested. But it's not a matter of pass or fail... it's all about putting in your best effort, and refusing to quit. As soon as you finish one test, another will be thrown at you. You've got to reserve your strength for the long haul. NOTHING is stronger than the will to keep going. "Be fit for more than the thing you are now doing. Let everyone know that you have a reserve in yourself; that you have more power than you are now using. If you are not too large for the place you occupy, you are too small for it." - James A. Garfield (1831 - 1881)

I'm not too sure what my future holds (I'm not Miss Cleo) but I'm learning to embrace the uncertainty instead of fear it. You never know what tmrw may bring. It's a hard lesson to swallow but I think I've got it down.

I never could have guessed that I would be here.. so there is no point in guessing where I'll be a year from now. Life is crazy and I'm just going along for the ride. It's confusing, yes. But, "confusion is always the most honest response." - Marty Indik

I go back to work tmrw and I'm actually kind of excited. I've enjoyed my time off the past two days but I wanna get back to makin' that money!! haha

I STILL CAN'T GET OVER IT hah I love laying in bed and updating my blog it's fkn great. I know, I know.. some of you are like: "Matty.. it's only wi-fi, get over it."

But fk that!

I feel like the cave man whose been spending hours and hours to start a fire and now, somebody just handed me a Bic hahaha

It's like ice cubes.. or a pair of brand new socks haha! The simple things. "Fresh clean sheets are one of life's small joys." - Takayuki Ikkaku

Okay folks time for some rest. I say that, knowing I'm going to lay in bed for another hour or two.. working on my book a little bit more haha but before I go, I'll leave you with this. "One thing is clear to me. You can't know everything you'd like to know. You can't do everything you'd like to do. You can't read everything you'd like to read. You must hold onto some things and let go of others. Learning to make that choice is one of the big lessons of this life." - Real Live Preacher

Wireless, and loving it.

2009-07-13T23:42:00.000-07:00

Woke up pretty late today hah but it felt nice to sleep in. Work went really well yesterday, but it'll be nice to have a few days off. I skipped my workout today, only because I went running yesterday right before work. Showered, made some lunch, and called up the homies.

Hungout for a little bit, and then we went to Best Buy with the intention of LOOKING at new computers haha but my impulses were raging and I ended up cashing out for a netbook!! Its about the size of a book haha weighs 2lbs and is only 1 inch thick hahaha! PLUS its got a wireless card built in, so I'm officially online folks!

I've never had a laptop, OR a wireless device.. so I feel real high-tech right now hahah I'm laying on the couch and updating my blog how fkn awesome.

Because I woke up so late, the day went by pretty fast. After we left Best Buy, I got dropped off back home and chilled with the family for a little bit. I ate some dinner and fiddled around with my new computer :-) feelin' like a little kid haha

The fellas came over towards the end of the night, and we chilled out and played some PS3. It was nice to clear my thoughts and just joke around and act stupid all day hah. And, I'll be honest... I've been proud of myself and my sobriety. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but honk honk!! haha it's almost been 2 months now since I've started this whole experience. I'm not gonna say it's been hard, but it definitely hasn't been easy, either. "Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch." - Robert Orben

I never thought I would actually e n j o y my sobriety. I always kinda considered it something I had to do.. or at the very least, something I should do. But I've found a real peace of mind. A clarity. I realize the awesome possibilities and opportunities I've been given... it's only a matter of how I seize them. I need to wake up every morning, feeling blessed to even open my eyes.

I know that I've been real manic these past few weeks... but that's life. It's just a bunch of up's and downs. It's a big ol' card game.

We've all heard that metaphor before.

Nobody can decide what cards they're dealt. And you never know what cards the other players are holding. Sometimes you fold, and sometimes you bluff. But nothing will change what you hold in your hands.

The game of life is way too short, folks. It's so difficult to ALWAYS stay happy and positive. BUT, it's a lot easier than ALWAYS being miserable hah. Sometimes, you need to just look down at your cards; and realize it's only a game. It all depends on how you play.

With that being said, I'm truly done being depressed with all the dumb shit that goes on around me. I feel great right now, and I need to ride with it and remember to just roll with the punches. I know it's a lot easier said than done... but it IS possible. I've been allowing my personal life to interfere with my p e r s o n a l i t y. It's snuffed my spark. It's dampened my spirits. And, it's taken the wind out of my sails.

But I'm so much stronger than that.

And now, it's time to prove it.

I'ma just ride the waves right now.

2009-07-12T20:49:00.000-07:00

"To see the earth as it truly is, small and blue and beautiful in that eternal silence where it floats, is to see ourselves as riders on the earth together, brothers on that bright loveliness in the eternal cold." - Archibald MacLeish (1892 - 1982)

It's pretty amazing you can accomplish, simply thru being positive. In a society drowning in negativity.. it's actually kind of refreshing to just take a break and b r e a t h e

Although the schedule kinda sucks haha I'm really enjoying this new job! Not only does it feel great to be productive and not only are the people really cool.. but each and everyday after our lunch, we all meet up in the break room with the managers on duty and give eachother some recognition. It's nothing too big, just a "thanks for this.." or "good job on that.." kinda deal. Well every day I've worked so far.. I've gotten some recognition for something. And most of it was stuff so small, I never would have even realized that somebody appreciated it. BUT, it really does feel g r e a t to hear/see somebody express their gratitude!!

It's an obvious team building activity but fk it, it works haha! Like I've said before, everybody works as a team so well there.. and to be a part of that feels good. It has actually turned my day around (a few times now) haha where I'll be having a semi-shitty day, and then after recognition.. it's like somebody has lit a fire under my ass again hahaha

I'm a very hard-working guy, and always have been. When I put my name on something... I want it done perfectly. But thru this new job, I've realized that theres more than just taking personal pride in your own work. "Players win games, teams win championships." - Bill Taylor

Got off work today and couldn't sleep... so I went jogging, and fkd around on Facebook once I got home. I've been trying to rebuild some old friendships.. get back in touch with some people I haven't talked to in yeeears!! It's been nice.

Finally went to bed, and slept until 2pm... got up, and made a little snack. Cleaned my room up and did some laundry (huge party, I know haha) and then my sister came over, so I hung out with the family for a little bit. I had her drop me off at a buddys house on her way home. Chilled around and played some basketball for a little bit with the fellas before dinner.

After I ate, I started over thinking some things so I went rollerblading to let off some steam haha works like a charm! Came home, showered, and packed my lunch for work. After working 4 nights in a row, I'm ready to have a couple days off haha but I also requested a couple more days this week so we'll see. I might end up picking up a shift or two.

Before work, I got a chance to get some reading in. This book I'm reading (still on "The People's History of the United States of America") reeeeally makes me wanna finish writing my own book haha! Sometimes, it feels like theres just not enough hours in the day, doesn't it?!

Hopefully once I get this netbook computer (maybe this week?) I'll be able to get some more work done on it ;-) but it's all good... it's nothing I wanna force, you know?? I mean.. it's not like a book report that I have a due date on, or anything. It'll probably finish itself when it's ready haha! "Calendars are for careful people, not passionate ones." - Chuck Sigars

TIME TO GO TO WORK but I'm excited to have the next two days off!! whoohooo! Hopefully I can get some MySpace promo done, update the website, get this new computer, and spend some time relaxing and playing video games and reading hah! Plus, it'd be nice to get into the studio some time soon. AND I'm suppose to go look at some foreclosed houses (wish me luck)

Now that I think of it... the next few days are gonna be kinda busy hahah but theres nothing wrong with that. Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'

Maybe it's better this way.

2009-07-11T19:48:00.000-07:00

When I got off work today, I was so exhausted that I skipped my morning work out. I kinda regret it now haha but fk it. Woke up around noon, showered, and went into downtown Plymouth to do some promo.

It was mostly old people :-/

Once I got back home, I did a couple of chores around the house, and took a little nap. This schedule is killing me :-( the days go by so fast and I can't even enjoy them, really. I don't know, maybe it's just me. I've had a lot of things on my heart and mind.. I wish I could just stop thinking about them. But I can't. And, that's life.

Do you ever wish you couled just QUIT something?? Like, throw in the flag and hang up your boots. I'm usually not that type of person but my spirits are low right now and there are some things I wish I could just Q U I T and forget about. I mean, cold turkey. Adios. Cut off.

Too bad things don't work that way, huh?? I just need to remain focused on me, and where I want my life to be headed. It's so easy to slip into depression, and anger.. but I'm stronger than that. Kill 'em with kindness, right?? I just feel so helpless in my situation right now. I know where I want to be, but have no idea how to get there. I feel dead inside I'm not the same happy-go-lucky guy I use to be... and I know that other people can tell, too. But I must overcome all the bullshit. "Never think that you're not good enough yourself. A man should never think that. People will take you very much at your own reckoning." - Anthony Trollope (1815 - 1882)

Maybe I'm just letting things get the best of me?

Or, maybe things just SUCK right now for me haha :-/

Life goes on. Maybe it's better this way.

It's almost time to pack my lunch and get ready for another day of work. It's not working so much thats annoying... it's all the dumb shit that goes on when I'm NOT at work. That's whats annoying. And knowing that everybody has their own stupid fkn opinions and comments about ME and MY life.

But fk 'em. I'm just let God give 'em hair cuts. Me?? I'ma keep doing me. That's all I can do. That's the only things I have control over right now. "When I'm trusting and being myself... everything in my life reflects this by falling into place easily, often miraculously." - Shakti Gawain

Only aim up.

2009-07-10T21:27:00.000-07:00

Today was pretty eventful hah I woke up around 11am but forced myself to sleep until 2ish. I've gotta work tonight, so it's important I get my rest or else I'll be D E A D around midnite.

Finally rolled outta bed, and went jogging. Got home, showered, and decided to update the blog and MySpace. I've got some new graphics for OnTheBread.com but I haven't had a chance to swap computers and upload them to the website.

I think I'm gonna go get a laptop with my next paycheck ha. I've wanted one FOREVER and I went looking at some the other day when me and some of the fellas went to Best Buy.. and lemme tell you.. it's pretty much a done deal HAHA!! They've got some super dope, mini laptops for SUPER cheap!! All I really need is something for internet and word processing... something tiny that I can carry around with me everywhere I go. I'd probably get a wireless card for it, and TA-DA! Matty is in business!!! Then, maybe I'd finally get some work done haha I could finish writing this book and definitely stay up on MySpace promotion and website/blog updates.

I don't really need anything super powerful either. I mean.. I've already got 3 desktops haha 1 for graphics, 1 for making beats, and 1 is the studio. All I need now is a little buddy to travel with hahaha make it easier to get online without having to be in the garage or the basement. PLUS sooo many places have wi-fi these days

After spending a couple hours online.. I made some lunch/dinner and read for awhile. At 6ish, I took a little nap for an hour or so before packing a lunch and getting ready for work. I'll be honest, the night shift is starting to grow on me. Plus, I've met a lot of really cool people so far!!

It's refreshing to meet some new faces, too. Ofcourse there are some weirdos that work there haha BUT I LIKE WEIRDOS!! They're usually honest. And, they honestly don't give a fk what you think about them hahaha!! Sometimes, I wish I had more of that in me. I mean, we're all self-conscious about different things... but some people? They walk around like they could honestly care less haha and that's fkn awesome. NOTE TO SELF: Do more of what makes you happy, and care less about everybody else!

Really.. think about it. Wouldn't you rather deal with a weirdo, then some pathological liar whose constantly lying to everybody so that they seem "normal??" Or how about BAD liars haha? I mean, I guess I'd rather somebody be bad at lying than tremendous at it haha but some people are SO BAD at lying, you can see right thru them!! If you feel the same way, then lemme leave you with some inspiring words. "Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter; because nobody listens." - Nick Diamos

OKAY time to go to work already! I'm planning on being in Plymouth tmrw 12noon-6pm.. walking around, passing out handbills and selling CDs. If you're gonna be around town, you should cmon show some love!!!

Double the load.

2009-07-09T23:57:00.000-07:00

I'm really starting to feel like a zombie with this schedule haha but I'm also starting to love it. I woke up today feeling great, and ready to start my day! I made some lunch and did some errands around the house (yes, I'm STILL doing laundry from Cincinnati haha)

Went to that job interview and GOT THE JOB hah oh yeah baby MATTY THE WORKIN' MAN and to be honest I'm pumped!! I don't start until next Friday so that will give me a few days to get acclimated where I'm at, and plenty of time to work out my schedule.

I know I'm taking on a LOT (what else is new) but I know that NOW is the time to crack my fingers and break my back. I've got PLENTY of things to work for, so it's not even really an option in my mind. I know exactly where I want to be: 3 months... 6 months... even a year from now. I've got it all planned out and now it's time to execute the plan!! "Regard your good name as the richest jewel you can possibly be possessed of - for credit is like fire; when once you have kindled it you may easily preserve it, but if you once extinguish it, you will find it an arduous task to rekindle it again. The way to gain a good reputation is to endeavor to be what you desire to appear." - Socrates (469 BC - 399 BC)

I had another nice afternoon.. had a buddy come over and we played some video games in the garage until the wee hours of the night. After he left, I got a call from my mama and she swung thru to dropped off some late night McDonalds for me :-) how lucky of a guy am I??

I've gotta work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday :-( so I'ma go and get some rest!! I'm not sure which day(s) but I'm gonna make it a point to go downtown Plymouth this weekend and sell some CDs. They've got their annual "Art in the Park" festival going on; and it's sure to be PACKED!! Hope to see you down there!

Just another night in the life of-

2009-07-08T19:27:00.000-07:00

Had another good day at work... and even got some more hours (yay!) everybody keeps complimenting me on my work ethic, too.. which feels nice. It's good to work for your own pride, but it's nice for somebody else to notice every once and a while.

Because I did so well yesterday, they put me in a different positive today AND IT WHOOPED MY ASS haha so much more physical labor than what I was doing yesterday!! I can already tell that between working out, and this job; I'm about to get RIPPED!!

Got off work and went jogging again... this time, only 2miles hah I was POOPED. After I napped for a little bit, I met up with my mama to get some lunch, and to run some errands. I've got the next two days off so I'ma try and just relax and catch up on some much needed sleep ha

OH YEAH got a call today and I GOT A JOB INTERVIEW TMRW haha so holla at ya boy I'ma be busy as fk if I get this second job!! BUT I GOTTA DO WHAT I GOTTA DO you know?? If you know ME and you know what I'm about.. then none of this really suprises you ha. "Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all." - Sam Ewing

The working man.

2009-07-07T20:21:00.000-07:00

The new job is pretty fucking cool. I'll be honest tho, it's a LOT more work than I anticipated haha I WAS SWEATIN' SO BAD haha but everybody seems very cool and they all work real well as a team. The shift leader liked how I was working so he gave me a few extra hours, which was also pretty cool!

By 5am I was exhausted haha but once I finally punched out (around 630am) I had caught a second wind and couldn't sleep by the time I got home ha. So I decided to go jogging and do my little work out routine haha YES after 9 hours of work! I know it sounds insane but it felt great.

After I got home I just C R A S H E D and slept until about 3pm hahaha it's gonna be weird at first but I know I can get use to it. Sleep is the cousin of death.. and right now, I gotta focus on living. They say a little hard work is good for you ;-)

Once I woke up, I read a little bit... but started getting restless so I put my book down and decided to fk with some beats. It's been a while since I've made some music but it felt great to press some keys, that's forsure. Around 8pm, I packed my lunch and got ready for work.. and now, I'm just chillin out and waiting for my ride. Ughh, just another day at the office haha "Get happiness out of your work or you may never know what happiness is." - Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915)

Feeling like a zombie.

2009-07-06T14:57:00.000-07:00

So, I start the new job today.. WISH ME LUCK!!

I'm so glad to get this job but working midnights sucks, tho haha!! It's all good tho, the schedule will allow me to get a second job. Incase you haven't figured it out yet.. I LOVE MONEY!

Other than that... pretty uneventful day. Just been hanging out around the house... taking small naps, and reading... trying to get my body adjusted for my new schedule.

AWESOME blog entry, I know haha fiiine how about a joke? "When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes." - Steven Wright (1955 - ) hahaha okay so what atleast I thought it was funny ;-)

Home, sweet home again.

2009-07-05T19:13:00.000-07:00

Got back from Cincinnati today. Whew, what a trip!! As much fun as I had... I know it's about time to snap back to reality, you know?? No vacation lasts forever... but a good one will provide memories for a lifetime (got some really good pictures, too!!)

"Life is a voyage that's homeward bound." Herman Melville (1819 - 1891)

After we unpacked the car, the fellas headed home and I went for a walk to clear my head. Ended up chilling out for the rest of the night watching TV and watching that new movie "Role Models" (which I thought was kinda boring to be honest)

I'm trying to stay up as late as possible because I start a new job tmrw and it's working the graveyard shift. I've worked midnights before, but that was years ago.. so it's probably going to take me a while to get use to it. Fk it tho, I'm just glad to have a job!!!

It'll be nice to sleep in my own bed again :-) home, sweet home.

Happy birthday, America!!

2009-07-04T23:53:00.000-07:00

We didn't wake up until 2pm today haha stayed up way too late last night!! I wanted to go skating outside but it was raining, so that canceled those plans. Instead, we all got ready and went to get some food at Johnny Rockets.. this 50's style diner. We ate outside under this awning and these pigeons were so ballsy they kept just walking right over to our feet so I sprayed one with a ketchup bottle haha! It didn't really stop them much but it sure felt like the right thing to do hah

After stuffing our faces, we went next store to the aquarium... and, boy was that cool!!! This place had everything from toads to alligators to eels to all different types of fish. They've got a HUGE jellyfish exibit, where you walk thru this hallway of dark tanks, F I L L E D with different types and colors of jellyfish... all swimming around from floor to ceiling. It felt like I was walking thru a lava lamp haha! Further down, they had an exotic bird exibit (which I didn't really understand, because it was an "aquarium" haha) but they had some of the most beautifully colored birds I'd ever seen up close!! They looked fake almost! Then they had a few of those tunnels you walk thru and the different sharks and fish swim all around you and above your head haha it's kinda freaky! It feels like you're trapped down there hah. Finally, at the end of the whole thing, you can pet some sharks!!!! It was wild!

Seeing all those unique animals and how they live.. it reminds you.. "Nature does nothing uselessly." - Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC)

After the aquarium, we headed back to our hotel. The rain had died down, and before we knew it... they're shooting off the fireworks for the 4th of July!!!! We couldn't have PAID for a better view they were RIGHT IN FRONT of our hotel, and we were on the top floor! It's like they were shooting them eye level from our window haha the blasts were setting off car alarms in the parking lot haha. Got a ton of great pictures, too.

To cap the night off, we got all dressed up (so fresh, and so fly) and went out to eat at this really nice fish market!! I don't usually like seafood that much but this was a 4 star resturant and the food was amazing! We ended up meeting the owner (who was from Detroit) and had a really good time talking with him. After that, we just walked the strip and hit up a few different places right by our hotel. That was the best part.. EVERYTHING was with-in walking distance!!

A great ending, to the last day, of a great vacation. Time to hit the sheets so that we can wake up in time to pack, and check out.

Take me out to the ball game!

2009-07-03T16:55:00.000-07:00

We woke up and decided to go get some lunch at this restaurant Arnies. We got a great table on the patio, over-looking the traffic and shops on the main strip. After we ate, we tried to figure out what we were going to do for the afternoon. It was such a beautiful day... and the weather was so perfect, we had a chance to just walk around and explore the city.

If you've never been to Newport, KY... you should probably go visit. The atmosphere is awesome... everybody is very cool and respectful. The bars and restaurants are fun, and affordable. And there are so many damn tourist attractions hahaha!!

We decided to go to a Reds game because the weather outside was perfect! After a little hike across the bridge, we were there!! And the stadium was packed, too. We all got a handful of hotdogs and nachos and drinks and peanuts and we headed to our seats.

I'll be honest, I didn't get a chance to do as much heckling as I planned haha

After the 7th inning... the Reds were up 3-0, so we decided to head back to the hotel. I mean.. none of us are huge baseball fans, and the Reds seemed to have this one sewed up. But low and behold, by the time we walked back to our hotel room we discovered the Reds gave up 5 runs and lost the game 5-3 haha

I guess it's right what they say.. "It's not so important who starts the game but who finishes it." - John Wooden (1910 - )

Now that we're back and changed, we're going downtown to get some dinner, and hit up a few different places on the strip. I love how close we are to all the action!! You can hear people partying outside 24/7 haha it's like Mardi Gras or something! haha

T minus 13 to launch!!!

2009-07-02T23:55:00.000-07:00

THAT'S RIGHT BITCHES hahah today is the day we leave for vacation!!

But we alllll know how it goes, right? No vacation would be possible, if it wasn't for the few unexpected road bumps that are thrown at you. And sure enough, ha. We're all packed and ready to go but our transportation fell thru, so we had to rent a vehicle.

After calling around, 3 major companys have NO cars for rental :-( but we finally get ahold of a Budget Car Rental over by the airport, and NOW WE ARE READY TO GO............. after they tax our asses off first :-/ goddamn capitolism.

Once we got our car, we had to run a few errands before we left the state (ofcourse) and then stop at the gas station to load up on snacks and drinks and candy for the trip haha. We finally got on the road a LOT later than expected but once we did, it was smooooth sailing.

Loud music, long miles, and good friends. The recipe of a great road trip!

Stopped somewhere to eat in the middle-of-nowhere, Ohio. A nice little trucker stop haha; which, at midnight, was FULL of interesting chartacters (as I'm sure you could imagine) hah one guy wouldn't stop talking about the "lot lizards" and all the different stops he's been approached by prostitutes. Classy guy.

We finally arrive in Kentucky, and we can MINUTES to check in and still catch a store before it closes haha so we go RUNNING down the street, only to find out that the store is DRIVE-THRU ONLY hahaha so 2 of us go RUNNING back to the hotel, get the car, and skeert back over to the store haha where the other 2 are standing in a line (of cars) holding our spot HAHAHA

We head up to our room and find out they HAVEN'T EVEN CLEANED IT YET :-/ so they give us another room haha SHEESH how much more could go wrong on the first day??

"Adversity does teach who your real friends are." - Lois McMaster Bujold

The morning after.

2009-07-01T15:36:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it was my birthday yesterday. Weird. And, I can't believe my Cincinnati vacation starts tmrw! Even weirder!!! TIME GOES BY SO FAST sometimes.

I found out that I forsure got that new job, which is awesome. I start the Monday we get back from Cincinnati :-) which is a bitch (coming back from vacation and jumping into a new job) but I'm so excited to start working!!

PS. Sorry for the lack of updates... I've just had a lot of things going on in my personal life (what else is new) but it's distracted me a little bit. I need to put my priorities where they need to be (which I'm sure you can understand) and frankly, somethings I just don't feel like talking about. Regardless, it is my blog and it's meant to be insightful so I apologize. Sometimes, life just has a way of beating you down when we're getting too tall, you know? THERE'S ALWAYS GOTTA BE something GOING ON, huh??

I'm just trying to stay positive and keep looking forward to my much deserved vacation, thank you very much! Meanwhile THANK YOU for your everlasting support! I hope you all can understand where I'm coming from.. I'd rather say nothing at all, than too much.

"In silence, man can most readily preserve his integrity." - Meister Eckhart

It's my birthday, I can blog if I want to!

2009-06-30T20:48:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME haha yea yea yea I know. It feels great to have another year under my belt, now. SO MUCH has happened to me in the past year. Too much to even begin describing in some stupid blog (thats forsure) ha :-/

Some great, some terrible, some you would expect... but that's life. It's nuts how we can look back and say: "wow, a year ago I would have never guessed this is where I'd be." But we never sit back like: "I bet, a year from now... THIS is going to happen." haha

Isn't life ironic?

It definitely was a lonely birthday, but that was to be expected. Shit. I'ma grown man now it ain't all about clowns and house parties and presents. Although, that would be nice hah. Now-a-days... your birthday is just another day. As much as I want to climb to the top of a mountain and S C R E A M: "hey it's my birthday, bitches!!" hahaha to the rest of the World..? It's just Tuesday, June 30th.

The whole idea of birth is pretty mind-blowing to me. Especially right now. "We are born charming, fresh and spontaneous.. but must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society." - Judith Martin, (Miss Manners)

My sister is about to take me out for dinner once she gets off work. Should be nice. We haven't had some 1-on-1 brother/sister time in a while. She's so busy with her life and finance and I'm obviously busy as hell, too... but whenever we get together we usually catch back up to speed on things ha. "No matter where you live, brothers are brothers and sisters are sisters. The bonds that keep family close are the same no matter where you are." - Takayuki Ikkaku

Let's not talk about it, eh?

2009-06-29T19:25:00.000-07:00

Wow last night turned into quite a shitty night. Too bad today wasn't much better :-/

I'm just so sick of all the arguing and fighting it seems like everybody around me is so fkn unhappy with their life that it makes ME unhappy. I don't know if you've noticed... but bad moods are contagious, folks.

And it's funny how the people closest to me always seem to let me down.

I really don't even feel like writing in here right now so I'ma just stop.

Birthday BBQ extravaganza

2009-06-28T23:58:00.000-07:00

I did some errands around the house today to get the place cleaned up and ready... I'm having some friends and family over for a BBQ to celebrate my b-day. Should be a good time, right??

Played some lawn games... got to see some old faces I haven't seen in a while, which was nice. Great food, and tons of it haha! My kinda BBQ, you know?? After people started leaving, me and the fellas retired to the garage to play some videogames.

Everything was all good until some of my family members start talking politics :-/

YES, the golden rule... NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR POLITICAL/RELIGIOUS VIEWS when it's late and we're all just trying to have a good time. Personally, I'd LOVE to engage in such conversation... but there is a time and a place. And, some people don't understand that.

So yeah heated conversation turns into a debate... which turns into raised voices... which then turns into name-calling, and childish banter.

It ruined my night.

We all know what happened to the guy who always talked politics at parties, right? "I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me." - Dave Barry (1947 - )

Thugs get lonely too

2009-06-27T14:05:00.000-07:00

"See, it ain't easy bein' me. Life as a celebrity is less than heavily, I got these fakes and these back-stabbers chasin' me around.. And it's always drama, Whevever I wanna get around. Mama told me, Long before I ever came up.. Gotta be true, to watchya' do, And keep ya' game up. 'Cause things change, And jealousy becomes a factor.. Best friends at your wifes house tryin' to MACK HER! I'm on tour, But still they keep on knockin' at my door.. And I got no time to worry, I'm steady wantin' more. Every day is a test, yes. I try hard, But I'm strugg-a-lin' with every breath.. I pray to God, that the woman that I left at home, All alone, Ain't nothin' like tryin' to bone, Over the phone. In my mind, I can see her naked. I can't take it, Got me shakin' at the thought that we can make it. I thought you knew.

I'm rolling out on tour today, you getting sad because I'm goin away (Naaaa) Chickenheads wanna play with me you getting mad because you think I'ma sway, Some of them cute some of them fine as fuck I hear them scream as soon as I hit the stage. (Naaaa) Still I be getting lonely for you I'm coming home as soon as I make this pay (Make this pay)

I call you up long distance, On the telephone... I wanna tuck you in, Even though I know I can't make it home. I whisper things in ya' ear, Like youre near me. Wonder if you feel me, From far away.. Or can you hear me? It seems to me, That ya' jealous.. 'Cause I'm hustlin' and makin' money, With the fellas'. In the back streets, Tryin' to trap me.. Baby HOLD UP. Thugs get lonely too! But I'm a soulja. And theres no way I'mma' stop makin' money, 'Cause ya' attitudes changed.. And ya' actin' a little funny. Always complainin'.. Sayin' we don't spend time? Can't you see, I got enough stress on my mind?! And hangin' up like you all that.. And get mad when I'm tell you that, "I'm busy baby, call back," Please, ain't nothin' left to say to you. Thugs get lonely too. You KNOW.

I'm rolling out on tour today, you getting sad because I'm goin away (Naaaa) Chickenheads wanna play with me you getting mad because you think I'ma sway, Some of them cute some of them fine as fuck I hear them scream as soon as I hit the stage. (Naaaa) Still I be getting lonely for you I'm coming home as soon as I make this pay (Make this pay)

I sit alone in my room, drinkin'.. Without a care. Talkin out loud to ya'...Like ya' there. Take ya' picture out my back pocket, Man it's on. You the first face I wanna see, When I get home. I wanna love you 'till the sun rise... Buckwild. Touchin' every wall in the house, Thug style. Put ya' hands on the headboard... Think of me, Drippin' sweat on top of you, secrecy in yo' head That I'm makin' love, So turn the lights down. Reminisce 'n relax, 'Cause baby right now? I feel in the middle of my stomach.. You whisper in my ear, Baby tell me how you really want it. Hold on tightly, Watch the ceiling. Scratch my back, How you react.. Lets me know you feel me. 'Cause everything I'm giving to you, Is so true. Thugs get lonely too, You know."

-Tupac, featuring/ Nate Dogg

And, the beat goes on...

2009-06-26T15:54:00.000-07:00

Woke up and started my day with a nice 4mile jog ;-)

I've gotta admit, I'm gettin' pretty geeked for my b-day, and vacation!!! It's coming up soooooo sooon! Today, I made some lunch and then hungout with a couple friends thru the afternoon. You would think I'd want to go out... I mean, it IS Friday and all, but I'm trying to save some money for this trip, youknow??

Not too sure what on the agenda for the rest of the evening, but I'ma prolly just chill out around the house maybe?? Probably have a couple people over? I'm not too sure but fk I dont mind haha "The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next." - Ursula K. LeGuin

PS. Huge post, I know hahaha fk it, I'ma kinda busy. Sorry!

Let me hear you say you love me.

2009-06-25T23:26:00.000-07:00

"For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation." - Rainer Maria Rilke (1875 - 1926)

I can't believe it's about to be Friday already!! This week has went by so fast for some reason! Which is fine by me, because soon I'LL BE ON VACATION hahah :-P

I woke up day and went running again... only 3 miles today ha but still felt great. After working out and taking a shower, I met up with my mama for some lunch at Applebees. It was so nice to kick it and goof around and talk like we use to. It's been awhile. But I guess that's the best thing about a good friendship... is that you can come back after years of being apart, and it feels like you haven't missed a minute. Some things never change hah "Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus

After running some errands, I spent the rest of the afternoon just relaxing with my family. Being some couch potatoes hahah it was VERY nice and VERY relaxing to just lay around together. Ordered some Jet's pizza for dinner and watched the newest Rocky movie ha. Ended up coming home around 1am... bout to go to sleep. Had an awesome day, tho. I'm very content right now... I've found a very strong and real peace with my Life. I'm feeling great, physically. I've rebuilt some old friendships and am really having some good clean fun again. And on top of it all.. I've got a beautiful, healthy family. YES sometimes your family can drive you crazy hahaha but those moments of pure Love and connect are priceless. Nobody ever said it was going to be easy. I shouldn't expect it to be. But the choice is simple. I look at things in a whole new light now because I do so many things without even thinking about it hah I use to be so selfish but each and every day I catch myself doing something completely selfless. It's instinct. "Some things you do because you want to. Some things you do for your family." - Mother Teresa

"I think people that have a brother or sister, or husband or wife don't realize how lucky they are. Sure, they fight a lot. But to know that there's always somebody there. Somebody that's family. It's worth every minute." - Trey Parker and Matt Stone, of South Park

I'ma take it there.

2009-06-24T23:59:00.000-07:00

Today was one of the best days I've had in a LOOOOOOONG time haha IT WAS GREAT!! I started the day off by doing some laundry and mowing the lawn.. and since I was already dripping wet with sweat, I decided to go running. GOT 5 MILES IN!!!

After I showered and made some lunch, it was time to go grind out. Walked up to downtown Plymouth and made my rounds, sellin' CDs and handin' out handbills. Ended up making a little more than $30 from 2pm-3:30pm, selling $1 CDs!! hahaha THAT'S WHATS UP, GOOD LOOKIN' PLYMOUTH y'all showed some love! I was able to network a little bit too... met some very cool people! One dude does DVDs and promotions for iLLflow magazine (whose Owner I personally know and work with) so we instantly connected on that, and exchanged numbers. I'ma definitely have to hit him up on some film production business! This other lady was a massage therapist right here in Plymouth and because she didn't have any cash on her to buy a CD, she gave me her business card and offered me a free massage in exchange for a mixtape HAHAH who can turn that down?? The best was all the groups of high school kids THEY WERE SO IN TO IT haha it was awesome! By the time I was ready to leave, I had heard 3 different cars drive by bangin' my CD hahaha!!! Local celebrity status.

I've realized that it all comes down to DECIDING to get up get out and do something. You can't sit around and wait for good things to happen you've gotta go MAKE them happen!! "Determine never to be idle...It is wonderful how much may be done if we are always doing." - Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826)

After making a few laps around the park, I headed back home. My plan was to eat some dinner, and head back up into Plymouth around 5pm or 6pm to sell more CDs... you know, tryn catch the bar crowd. CHANGE OF PLANS haha my boy calls me and says we should kick it so I met up with some friends and went downtown for Detroit's fireworks show. As to be expected, IT WAS PACKED DOWN THERE!!! We got there early as fk to beat the traffic and tryn get a good spot to watch the fireworks.. but first we had to get somethin' to eat. Stopped in at Tom's Oyster Bar on Jefferson to get some burgers and kill some time before the sun went down.

Good thing I brought another 30-or-somethin' CDs and plenty of handbills hahaha IT WAS A SEA OF PEOPLE!! Especially in Hart Plaza haha it was shoulder to shoulder! Me and the fellas walked around and did some shameless self-promotion before we found a prime spot to chill and watch the show. It was so nice to be with some friends I haven't hungout with in FOREVER. Reminded me of last summer... being under the sun and chillin' wit the fellas! I'm glad I brought my digi camera too I got some great pics!!

Unexpectedly ran into some more friends down there, so we kicked it with them for a minute until the fireworks were done. THEN it got insane down there hahaha it took hours for everybody to walk up towards the water front and take their seats for the show; but then the show was over and suddenly 5 million people ALL immediately turn around and head back to their cars AT THE SAME TIME!

We went back to the car and seen all the traffic and said fk it: might as well chill downtown for a little bit. We can either sit in a car for 2 or 3 hours... or we can walk around for 2 more hours and still get home at the same time hahaha! So we grabbed some more promo and some more CDs from the car, and we hit the streets again!!

HIGHLIGHT OF THE NIGHT: As we're walking around and handing out handbills, some random dude recognizes us from a show we did at Suite100 a few months ago and actually starts reciting the song we did!!!! That made my jaw drop, literally!! We're all nuttin' up and laughing like NO SHIT and ole boy is just like: "a memorable performance is something you don't forget" and that touched my heart!!

See THAT's why I do this music shit. Hearing things just like that! Things like that make me feel like I already have succeeded! "Of course there is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings." - Arthur Rubinstein (1886 - 1982)

Walked around until the traffic died down... hit a Coney Island (wanted another cheeseburger with my fatass) and then headed back home. ALL in ALL?? A great night!! Met a bunch of awesome people... seen some old friends... and was pretty damn productive too! haha I dunno what else I could ask for. After a slightly insane weekend... it was a great day today!! The entire day! With everything that's been going on, I've got to keep positive and remain focused on what's important to me. Goes to prove that you can only be as happy as you allow yourself to be. "Reality is something you have to rise above." - Liza Minnelli (1946 - )

It just felt so great to get back out on the streets and hustle CDs and hand out promo and talk to people about music I LOVE IT and I've missed it!!! Yes, life is a little hectic for me right now but I think I'm doing a pretty good job of managing it all. And that's all I can do. "In the end, we can decide if we're remembered for what happened to us or for what we did with it." - Randy K. Milholland

Actions always speak louder than words.

2009-06-23T19:31:00.000-07:00

"Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going too fast - you also miss the sense of where you are going and why." - Eddie Cantor (1892 - 1964)

It's obvious that I let things get to me sometimes. I try my hardest to stay positive and stay strong but some things really know how to piss me the fk off hahahah! It's all relative, tho. There's not a whole lot that I can even do about it... just stay focused and keep enjoying my life. I don't have to enjoy others just mine. The rest will fall into place.

I did some errands earlier today, but the rest of my afternoon was pretty uneventful. The weather was beautiful outside, tho... I LOVE DAYS LIKE TODAY. Not too hot... not too cold. Just right for shorts and a tank top.

I got online and did some more planning for the 4th of July trip... and, each day I get MORE and MORE excited!! It'll be so nice to take a little mini vacation from everything, you know?? I've got so much on my heart and mind right now... a few days away from reality is much deserved. Even tho I know when we come back, nothing much is going to have changed haha :-/ blah

H O P E F U L L Y the next two weeks go by fast(er) haha it sounds like I'm gonna be BBQing both days of this coming wkend... once at my sister's house with some friends, and then again at my parent's house with some family. Then, my birthday is next Tuesday... and before you know it- CINCINNATI!!! I just wanna keep my head up and enjoy my b-day extravaganza hahaha!!

My pops went up to our cottage for a few days, so I made some fish-n-chips for me and my mom haha it was nice to chill with her and get a chance to talk. No plans for tonight so since it's still early, I'm gonna go work out for a little bit before it gets dark. Get home, take a shower, and probably read a little bit before I go to bed. Like I said, uneventful day... but fk it! "Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint on it you can." - Danny Kaye (1913 - 1987)

If you listen carefully, you will hear.

2009-06-22T19:10:00.000-07:00

I've got to start off by saying one thing: GODDAMN I'm in a better mood today haha I don't know what it was about this wkend but I WAS SO DAMN DEPRESSED!! Something must have been in the air. But I woke up today feeling refreshed, and revived.

Sometimes, it's just that easy. "Start every day off with a smile and get it over with." - W. C. Fields (1880 - 1946)

The job interview went great ;-) they kept me there SO LONG tho, haha it was a 2.5hr interview!! I met with 3 different people but I'm pretty positive I got it, so that's good. I felt bad tho, there were 2 older guys applying for the same position and they had their interviews at the same time as me hah too bad I could out work the two of them combined. After I got home from that, I went jogging again.. this time, 4 miles!! It felt great! It's so nice to throw the iPod on... tighten up my laces.. and run so fast that the stress can't even keep up! hah Clear my thoughts a little bit. By the time I get home.. I'm energized, and ready to take on the day.

Like I've said before... it seems like you've always got to replace one routine with another hah and maybe thats the case but regardless I think I'ma start working out again. No gyms or anything... just get some free weights, do some crunchs and push-ups... simple stuff. You'd be surprised how amazing it can make you feel. And it helps me stay disciplined ;-)

I know I've got a LOT going on in my life right now, but I feel like I've been letting my music suffer because of it. I'm gonna make a conscious effort to get into the studio more often, starting tmrw. I've got some things to take care of in the morning, but after that... it's rappin' time!!! I've gotta take it all as inspiration, and do what I do best (well atleast decent) haha I don't need to become famous but I can still enjoy doing the things I love to do. "Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life, but as by the obstacles which he has overcome." Booker T. Washington (1856 - 1915)

I played some video games before dinner, and then watched that new movie "Fanboys." I didn't hear much about it before I rented it but IT'S HILARIOUS haha I would definitely recommend it to anybody whose looking for another silly Seth Rogan flick. It's about Star Wars nerds who break into George Lucas' house to steal a copy of the new Star Wars movie before it comes out hahah ridiculous, I know. One thing can be said, Seth Rogan and his little gang of actors are GETTIN' PAID right now!!! They've come out with like, 4 movies a year (atleast) and it's always the same cast. I ain't mad at 'em!!!

In other news... I've started planning my birthday/4th of July weekend. It sounds like we're gonna go back down to Cincinnati for a few days. I had such a blast when I was down there for my cousin's graduation party.. I only wish I had more time to adventure around. So, I'ma go back with a couple friends and catch some of the shit I didn't have time to do on the last trip.. should be incredible!! There's an aquarium, and a comedy club I wanna visit... and I heard about some famous chili restaurant? Fireworks on the river for the 4th... Coney Island amusement park.. museums, Kings island water park, river boat rides, A BUNCH OF STUFF!!! Haha I dunno I gotta look around online some more.. maybe go watch a Cincinnati Red's game?? I dunno but I'm geeked!!!

It's weird that my birthday is coming up so fast!! Remember being a kid, and counting down?! The entire month would go by S O S L O W haha but now? Time flys!!! I'm just excited to see where I'm at a year from now!! "Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does - except wrinkles. It's true, some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place." - Abigail Van Buren (1918 - )

You bleed me dry.

2009-06-21T22:16:00.000-07:00

What can I say? Last night I was miserable... and I had a terrible fkn day today. Yay! :-/

I woke up at 7am because I couldn't sleep for shiiit. And I was still feeling crappy from last night so I decided to go jogging haha but I only started working myself up (with anger, mostly) and ran until I puked :-/ I'm not sure whose lawn it was but I'm sure they'll love it. Got home, took a shower, and went back to bed. Missed some important phone calls, and started my day on the wrong foot. Yay! :-/ Recently.. nothing seems to be going my way.

I dunno it's just been a bad weekend. But LIFE GOES ON and I've gotta do the same.

Woke up around 11:30am and made some lunch. Returned the important phone calls, and had some shitty conversations. Felt devastated. Still do, really. It sucks loving somebody when you don't know if they don't love you back. But what can you do?? LOVE wouldn't be LOVE if it wasn't voluntary. Just another example of how we can't change things in the World no matter how hard we try. It's a lesson I'm having trouble learning. It seems like the harder I try... the worse it back fires. I guess I've got to just keep on keepin' on. I've got to keep going. Keep living. And hope that when I wake up, tmrw will bring something better. No fk that I've got to MAKE something better for myself. I've got no other choice. "You can't help someone get up a hill without getting closer to the top yourself." - H. Norman Schwarzkopf (1934 - )

I've got a job interview tmrw but I'll be honest I'm not even in the mood :-/ my spirit is DEAD right now. I just need to go lay down and get some rest. "Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for." - Dag Hammarskjold (1905 - 1961)

Some things never change.

2009-06-20T23:52:00.000-07:00

I find everything about Life so ironic hah :-/

It's just weird to sit back and observe things. I use to always want to be on the field... you know, the STAR PLAYER. But sometimes I'm on the bench and I can just watch the game bein' played. And some people will never learn. You play games; you get played.

It breaks my heart, but it's the truth.

I had a beautiful night last night... laying in bed and listening to the thunderstorms. I felt so content. I felt like I was at home. And, there is nothing more relaxing than that. I wish I had some sort of magical remote control (like that movie "Click") because I just wanted to pause time. I wanted to make those few hours last forever.

But that's impossible, isn't it.

IN OTHER NEWS: today I did two new songs and I'm real proud of both!! I've had so much shit to get off my chest.. it was nice to just seclude myself in the studio and go to work. I haven't done that in a whiiiile. But it felt great.

My one and only true love. My microphone. I'll post the songs tmrw morning.

Both of the songs are kinda bitter haha but fk it thats how I feel right now. Fk it that's how I've felt for a while. I'm tryin' my hardest to stay positive but some things never change. Oh well. I'ma keep doin' me thats all I can do. "The artist doesn't have time to listen to the critics. The ones who want to be writers read the reviews, the ones who want to write don't have the time to read reviews." - William Faulkner (1897 - 1962)

Fathers day is tmrw so HUG YOUR POPS and tell him how much he means to you. I'm so happy my dad has raised me to be the man I am today. I wouldn't be anywhere without my parents. I hope it's nice out tmrw I'ma be spending time BBQing with the family. You know what they say, right?? "If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance." - George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)

Welcome back to my life.

2009-06-19T20:12:00.000-07:00

Isn't it weird how deeply confusing relationships can be? I take that back... not "can be;" but "are." Every time you think you've got them figured out... something slaps you in the face haha and tells you "NOPE" and it completely recreates itself!! I think that's why true love, and long lasting marriages GROW. They aren't the same year after year. They move, and grow, and change just like our bodies do.

Can you love somebody... and, still betray them? Can you still love somebody, even after they've betrayed you?? I think the answer to both of those questions is YES!! I almost think that you wouldn't know what love is until you are faced with these kind of situations. There is a difference between LOVE, and infatuation. Sometimes, love hurts. Sometimes, love needs it's own space to move. It needs it's own time to grow. "Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds." - Hugh Elliott

What the fk do I know, tho?? I'm pretty terrible at relationships hah I'm just trying to make sense of it all, you know?

That's the funniest part of it all. Love breaks you down just as much as it builds you up. By saying "love," you aren't being specific.. because LOVE involves every human emotion possible. Sometimes, it can be so hard to let people close to us go. And then again; sometimes, it can be so hard to welcome them back :-/

I'm just afraid of getting my heart broken again.

But I'll be the first one to admit it. I've done my deal of breaking hearts. I've been in relationships where I've cheated, I've lied, I've been that asshole all women hate. But I've also been sensual and caring and a bit hopeless romantic, too. Prince charming. That's what love will do to you. It makes you see everything you hate about yourself haha and makes you want to change those things immediately! Until you can accept that defeat, you will never find Love. "True love brings up everything - it's like you're allowing a mirror to be held up to you daily." - Jennifer Aniston

And that's where I'm at right now. I've realized it... I love. And I'm not sure if I'm loved back, but I can't help but to continue to LOVE. And honestly at first it sucked haha but that was just my selfishness. Yes, I MATT YOUNG CAN BE SELFISH haha believe it or not but I can also LOVE absolutely. And right now; there is so much passion in me, sometimes it feels like my heart could explode!! But I've got no choice but to keep it all in my chest, and keep on moving.

Because love moves; and love grows.

"To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt." - Madonna (1958 - )

The land of the lost.

2009-06-18T22:26:00.000-07:00

I've got to admit.. today was a good day. Some jobs called me back and set up interviews for Friday and Monday so that's always good!! Whenever I think of something negative going on.. I try to just think about all the positive things I've got in my life!! Loving friends and family.. my health... and a bright future. Sure, I guess some things could be better but ey it could be a lot worse. That's how you've got to take on each day. Loving and embracing each moment. Sometimes, the best medication is just accepting your life as it is. "Things could always be worse; for instance, you could be ugly and work in the Post Office." - Adrienne E. Gusoff

Even tho, right about now; I'd definitely take a job at the Post Office hahaha

I'm learning to just let things roll off me (which isn't so easy at times) but it's something I've got to do. I can't control the World, I can only control myself.

After a long afternoon of job hunting, one of my friends came by with his old Nintendo 64 hahaha IT WAS GREAT!! Blast from the past, that's for sure. Brought back good memories of him and I sitting around as teenagers, staying up ALL night playing the same damn games over and over haha it was fun. I also WROTE A SONG haha well.... kinda! I started a new song, atleast. But it has been FOREVER since I've even done that and boy did it feel weird at first. I kinda struggled with it (believe it or not) but it's like riding a bike you've just got to hop on and peddle.

I'm just at a point in my life where I am trying my hardest to forgive those who have hurt me the most.. and ask for forgiveness from those I've hurt. I want my relationships to move on to better things. I deserve it, and so do they. "Forgiveness is almost a selfish act because of its immense benefits to the one who forgives." - Lawana Blackwell

Look at where I've been, and where I'm going.

2009-06-17T17:53:00.000-07:00

It's insane to think that a month ago, I was sitting down here in my basement... late as hell... accepting my flaws, and willing to change my life. It was definitely a hard bite to swallow.. but I did it. And goddamn what a roller coaster it's already been haha but that's Life. And now, the "day at a time" becomes a "month at a time" until it will be a "year at a time" hahaha

"Things do not change; we change." - Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

And sure enough, as much as I've changed myself.. I've noticed signifigant changes in my own life. My relationships.. my personal health.. my mood. All reflect a positive change that started internally. I've realized that, the more serious we take these changes in our Life.. the more serious the changes will become. It's like I'm a catepiller.. ready to cacoon up and become a beautiful butterfly. "Any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self, will require not just small adjustments in your way of living and thinking but a full-on metamorphosis." - Martha Beck

I'm here to say that: If I can do it, anybody can. Maybe you don't need to make the same changes as I have made/am trying to make.. but we ALL KNOW how we can improve. We all know where we WANT to be and WHO we want to be. It's all just a matter of using each and every day to make small steps towards becoming what we see. Every marathon starts with that first step.

The job fair yesterday when G R E A T and I found a job at a bank that I would really love to get!!! I think I could realisitically get it, too!! I'm just gonna have to stay persistant, and focused! After leaving their (around 9am) I went around and dropped off copies of my resume to a few other banks. I figured, since I was all suited and booted... might as well, right? It's funny how people treat you when you're wearing a suit haha the level of respect goes thru the roof. I stopped and got some lunch at Subway and the kids kept calling me "Sir" it made me laugh hah

NOTE TO ALL MICHIGANDERS: Don't let 'em fool you there are TONS of jobs out there right now you've just got to get off your ass and go get one!!! In this past 3 days, I've applied to about 70 places that ALL say they are hiring. Not just "accepting applications" they are HIRING. Some may be less that desirable but shiiiit money is money and I dunno about you BUT I LOVE MONEY!!! I wanna put myself in a situation where I can pick and choose which ones I want haha wouldn't that be nice??

Time to cook up some dinner for the fam... my new past time. Tonight?? I was thinkin' grilled chicken tacos with some spanish rice and homemade queso dip ;-)

And then HOPEFULLY I can get some more work done on this outline. I've been soooo fkn busy (and soooo fkn exhausted) that I usually read a little bit and pass out!!! I REALLY need to get a job or 3 but after that (with whatever free time I'll have) I'm gonna focus on getting this book done. It should be remarkable!

I know it terms of cents and dollars, change isn't much. But I've come to notice one thing. In life; personal change is powerful. "Change your thoughts and you change your world." - Norman Vincent Peale

One month down; MANY months to go. Hope you stay along with me for the ride.

Wow. It's been a month already.

2009-06-16T22:13:00.000-07:00

Time flies when your having fun, huh?? I can't believe that I've been doing this blog.. and sobriety.. for a MONTH now. It's pretty wild to think about but it feels G R E A T!! I'm real proud of myself, and the changes I've made in my life. I've just got to stay focused, and committed; and the possibilities will be endless!!

I went and got a new phone today :-( which sucks because it's the LAST thing I wanted to spend money on but atleast I got a pretty good deal. And really, it was time for an upgrade anyways ha. BUT THAT MEANS I've lost all my contacts soooooo if you're reading this, shoot me a txt or call me. I've still got the same number but chances are I DON'T HAVE YOURS hah.

Other than that, I went around job hunting from 10am to 4pm today haha I WILL NOT STOP UNTIL I FIND A GREAT JOB! I'm so determined. I literally turned in about 50 applications I would guess hah but it felt great to get out there like that. My wrist is cramped, my feet are tired, and I never want to write my own name again!! hahaha BUT atleast I should get some more offers by the end of this week! I know that I've got alot to offer a company.. it's just a matter of getting their attention and an opportunity to talk to somebody in power. After that... after it's in MY HANDS... it's a wrap! Theres only ONE job interview I've had where I didn't get the job offer. One. EVER. Haha so the numbers are in my favor haha I'd like to think I'm great at interviews. But like I said... it's all a matter of getting PAST the "application" process, and beating out the hundreds (and sometimes thousands) of other applicants.

I just find myself at ease in these kind of situations. Acting completely natural during an interview. And, I think that's what they look for. "It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers." - James Thurber (1894 - 1961)

After all the running around... I took a shower and made some dinner for the family. Nice guy, huh?? I wouldn't say I'm a great cook or anything.. but I've been known to whip up a meal or two haha and especially more recently I've been trying to get some practice in. I just like taking a normal recipe, and tricking it out a little bit haha! Like tonight I made tuna noodle casserole but I added bacon bits and shredded cheese and then I twice baked it with a layer of Cheese-It crumbs on top haha yeah BAMin like Emril over here. You'd be surprised ;-)

I'm exhausted tho. Time to lay down and read for a little bit. I need to get some rest I've got that job fair tmrw, and then I'm going to take advantage of being all dressed up and go turn in some more applications. PLUS I've gotta call back all the places I visited ystrday hah should be another long, productive day. I heard it was gonna rain and that's kinda poopy.. but, as one of my sister's friends likes to say; without rain, there would be no rainbows

Now its time to take it easy

2009-06-15T19:26:00.000-07:00

I've had a pretty chill day today... except I lost my phone last night!!! I dunno about you guys but I HATE the feeling of losing something. Especially because I used it late night and didn't leave my house after that... which would mean... it's GOTTA BE HERE SOMEWHERE haha fk me. I'm such an idiot sometimes, I swear. It'd say "blonde" but that's offensive to every blonde who DIDN'T lose their phone last night haha

That's the worst feeling ever haha it's driving me nuts!! I've combed over the entire house tho.. and the yard.. and my car haha and the garage. It's NOWHERE?

So after spending (literally) hours searching I have given up :-(

Did some errands and job hunting and then helped my dad (we're waterproofing our leaky basement) and; got a good chance to spend some father/son time with him haha even tho he likes to bust my chops sometimes it was still nice. He's noticed all the changes in me and said he's proud, and is just trying to keep me motivated :-D

I'm going to a job fair on Wednesday so that's pretty exciting ha I'ma get all suited and booted and walk in there confidently feeling like a million bucks. Damn near demand a job hahaha that's how you gotta do it!! It's for a bunch of major banks tho so I'm slightly intimidated I won't lie hah I've just gotta keep my composure and turn on the charm like I know I can.

Before every great reward, stands a mighty challenge. I've learned that the hardway hah. But I accept that, and I'm ready to take it head on!! "You've got to take the bitter with the sour." - Samuel Goldwyn (1882 - 1974)

Had a really great weekend, but I'm still exhausted. I'm bout to go lay down and read a book. I've been digging into this classic national treasure entitled: "The People's History of the United States of America" and I gotta say... WOW! I don't read much (at all) haha but this book is so inspiring, provoking, and completely captivating I (almost) can't put it down haha. Honestly! It brings out so many different emotions and I'm only on the chapter about Women's sufferage!! I'd definitely recommend it to anybody who would LIKE to read but has never been drawn into a book before. This isn't some cute little story, it is the RAW and completely UNCUT history of this country. And, it's awesome.

It's actually a textbook from college that I never really read while I was in class haha (no wonder I haven't graduated) but I found it while I was cleaning the basement and decided to give it a chance. Just another one of those crazy little sparks of Life. "Just because something doesn't go how you planned to, doesn't mean it's useless." - Thomas A. Edison (1847 - 1931) hah ain't THAT the truth?!

Oh, what a night..

2009-06-14T22:15:00.000-07:00

Had a GREAT time last night!!! We ended up taking a party bus to downtown Royal Oak (which I've never done before) and GODDAMN was it cool!! By the end of the night there was some drama but that can only be expected when you've got 25 people together hah! Either way, it was a good time and I hope everybody had as much fun as I did! I'm gonna try and post pictures later

Today, me and my cousin and some of my friends went uptown and shot the shit.. ended up running into some of my sister's friends so they grabbed some chairs and joined us. Small world, huh? Good times tho. Her (my sister) wedding is coming up so fast!!!! I can't believe it haha the past 6 months have been CRAZY and the next 6 are guaranteed to be even crazier but I'm excited and anxious.

I've been trying to consciously be nicer.. just in general. I've realized that being in a shitty mood only makes the rest of your day shitty haha there's no point in it. "The end result of kindness is that it draws people to you." - Anita Roddick

Sometimes, being nice is harder than we think isn't it?? haha But that's what makes a man strong. His ability to remain himself under any circumstances.

I'm trying my hardest.

Sometime I feel like I'm trying too hard. Not to be nice.. just in general. Trying to accomplish too much at once haha always been a problem of mine. I'm never satisfied haha!! I've got to learn some patience hah that's forsure. I like immediate results. But things don't always work that way, do they?? Well fk it tho, I'ma keep grabbing for the stars!! "If you aspire to the highest place, it is no disgrace to stop at the second, or even the third, place." - Cicero (106 BC - 43 BC)

All I can do is take things a day at a time ;-) "The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today." - Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882 - 1945)

Give yourself a good name.

2009-06-13T14:13:00.000-07:00

Woke up and did a few things around the house today.. not too exciting haha. Trying to stay in good spirits. Later on tonight I'm going out and meeting up with some people for my friend's birthday and that should be pretty awesome. His girlfriend went all out haha and I guess it was going to be a surprise but he already found out haha bummer but still should be fun. I haven't seen any of them in forever it feels like. But you always know who your true friends are on your birthday, don't you?? That's when you can really tell who cares about you. Because it's not about parties and gifts anymore haha (remember those days?) it's just about spending time together.

Speaking of birthdays.... MINES COMING UP!!! I can't believe it either, it seems like time is just flying by!! I don't have any plans yet but it will be interesting, I'm sure. I want to do something, tho.. nothing big just BBQ or something like that. My first sober birthday since... damn... years?? haha It's all good though I'm sure it'll be great!

In unrelated news.. I want to spend more time working on this book. I've got a really good outline started, but I need to do some research, and start putting some meat on the bones. I think the process of WRITING the book is going to be more rewarding then actually trying to publish it. For some reason, my head works much better when it's putting something down on paper hah I've always been good at writing. Always enjoyed it. But, I've never really tried something like this. Should be interesting.

This is gonna be a short post today I know my bad I've just got a lot going on right now. But shit... that's life! It never stops, does it?? "Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."- Wendell Johnson

Give up on a nigga if you wanna.

2009-06-12T23:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was pretty shitty haha but atleast I woke up in much better spirits today. I gotta remember to not stress the dumbshit. No matter how dumb it is haha. Or how much of it there is. There is ALWAYS gonna be bullshit. And I can't rely on ANYBODY ELSE to make me happy. It's up to ME to be happy. I've gotta keep doin' ME and make sure my Star Player is feelin' great. Because really.. I've got no reason to feel like shit. I'ma great guy... I gotta bright future... I'm healthy and even some-what attractive hah WHAT'S THERE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT?? Some bitches?? Some lames?? Fk them and fk their childish games haha I gotta just keep looking forward. Leave 'em in my rearview mirror.

I'm too good to be stressing all their bullshit. And honestly, whether they realize it or not.. I deserve much better. So I'ma keep swimming. I'ma just keep my chin up, and try and keep my head above water. A boy becomes a man from all the bullshit that he goes thru. And we've got to be confident in everything we do. Not arrogant, tho. Confident. By being arrogant, and thinking you're the best at everything... you only deny yourself the ability to improve. We ALL have weakness. We ALL have our faults. We ALL have room to improve. It's how we HANDLE our faults and weaknesses that determines how STRONG we are.

You've got to be strong.

Speaking of strong.............WINGS GAME TONIGHT?? What the fuck happened??!!! How are we gonna lose Game 7.. at home.. after having a 2-0 lead on the series?! Ergh!!! Well it's whatever I guess haha take it in stride, fellas. Nobody can change the fact that the Wings are a DYNASTY. I'm sure Gary Betmen pulled a couple of strings backstage. ALL sports are politics now. They've been predicting the Penguins to win since PRE-season hahaha fishy huh?? Plus, it's ironic that Pittsburgh owes a couple of million dollars on their arena lease! They've NEEDED some Stanley Cup money. And they couldn't do it last year. I guess it only makes sence they'd take it this year. Especially after all the bullshit officiating.

Oh well. What can ya do??

It's just proof of how hard it is to stay strong when all the odds are stacked against you. It's hard to keep positive when theres so much negativity in the World. But a real man doesn't have a choice. The ONLY thing you have a chance of changing is YOU. And that's it. There's ALWAYS going to be obstacles in your way. Try and think of a time when EVERYTHING was going your way hahahaha IT NEVER DOES!!! School... work... family... friends... relationships... you can NEVER have EVERYTHING running smoothly. But that's Life. All you can do is stay UP and keep GOING. It reminds me of a couple of lines from one of my favorite songs. It goes like this: "might be dead broke now, but I'll ball again. Even if I have to take it to the corner. Might not have a bitch now, but I'll pimp again... you can give up on a nigga if you wanna." - Bohagan

This is completely UNRELATED but I thought it was funny hah! One of my friends (and readers) said it can be annoying how I use so many quotes in my blog haha and to him I replied: "When a thing has been said and said well, have no scruple. Take it and copy it." - Anatole France (1844 - 1924) so there it is hahahah

Speaking of things that are annoying... this poison ivy is killin' me!!! I thought I had it all taken care of... but every morning it reappears somewhere so I'm guessing I got it on some clothes or my sheets or something so today I woke up and STRIPPED my room hahah I literally washed EVERYTHING. I even vacuumed and flipped my mattresses! Yes. I VACUUMED my MATTRESS hahaha I'm not sure what that would do but I figured it wouldn't hurt. Then I spent all day washing every piece of clothing I own hahahaha EVERYTHING. Even the shit I thought was clean. I pulled EVERYTHING out haha outta my dresser outta my closet haha I'm not playin' games anymore! It took my a few hours but I got it all taken care of and HOPEFULLY it solves the problem. It feel like I've been quarantined ha!

Sometimes we all just gotta get cleaned off tho. We gotta step back, and stand underneath the water for a minute or two. Rinse off all the bullshit haha!

After the game we came back to my house and I had some of my boys come over for a little bit... got to see some old faces that I haven't seen in a while it was nice. 8 of us in my garage... stayin' up into the wee hours of the morning.. politicking about Federal Income Tax, and the War on Terrorism, and libertarians etc hahahah what a bunch of fkn nerds I LOVE IT!!!! That's one thing I've got to admit. If you didn't KNOW me or any of my friends, and you'd see us walking by... you'd probably not think much of our conversation. But chances are... we're talking about some REAL LIFE SHIT that would blow your mind hahaha!!! I've seen it before!! There's always SOMEBODY just sitting to the side, watching and listening and TRYING to comprehend wtf is going on haha and why we're all talking like a bunch of madmen! But its really awesome hah I fkn love it!!! I love teaching something to somebody; making connections for them, or explaining something to them... and then watching it completely flip their wig! It's the best-

Time to take my ass to sleep. I've gotta long day tmrw.. hopefully the weathers nice!! I'm suppose to mow the lawn and do some things around the house for my Dad.. then I'm going out for one of my friend's birthdays. Should be a really great time... get a chance to see some more people I haven't seen in FOREVER!! UNTIL NEXT TIME haha adios people! And remember, you've got to: "Live forever or die in the attempt." - Joseph Heller (1923 - 1999)

I'm on the outside, and I'm looking in.

2009-06-11T17:14:00.001-07:00

Today, I've decided to write a book. No hahah not some Harry Potter shit.. it's gonna be some non-fiction. I'm gonna just WRITE and let my thoughts and feelings flow out. More-or-less, a manifesto of my own personal philosophy... a manual to living life, I suppose. Not to say I've got the secrets of Life figured out hahaha I've barely got my OWN life situated! But it seems that in times of struggle and adversity... we usually put our best thoughts forward. And recently... I've been doing a LOT of thinking.

I want to keep it short, though. Readable. Most people these days barely even read magazines!! haha We just skim thru and look at the pictures, right?? That's why I don't want to write some DICTIONARY of a novel or anything hahaha short and sweet and to the point. Something small enough to carry around in your pocket, maybe? Something you'll finish reading and pass along to somebody else. I don't really have the extra funds to get something like that printed up (right now) but hopefully soon? Maybe even try and get a publishing deal who knows?? I guess I've got to worry about WRITING it first ha

I just know, deep down in my heart, that I've got something to offer to the World. Something greater than these blogs hah or rap songs. I want to expand my audience. I want to transcend age, race, religion, and gender. I want to stretch across America from coast to coast.. and even go continent to continent! I want to inspire the World. I want my heart to be strong enough to love all the children of this World. I want to learn how to love EVERYBODY.. even those who hate me. Even those people with pure evil in their hearts I need to LOVE them.

I want to learn how to say "I love you" in every language.

It's just SO HARD for me right now. It's so hard to even know what LOVE is :-( I feel so trapped. So buried alive with emotions. Anger. Depression. Sadness. Confusion. I don't know what else to do anymore. I feel helpless. I feel CRUSHED in between a rock and a hard place. I don't ENJOY anything anymore. I don't TRUST anybody anymore. I don't even know how to cope with the thoughts in my head but I'VE GOT TO FIND A FREEDOM. I've got to break out of this cycle I'm in. I know that sobriety is only helping not hurting BUT I WISH THERE WAS MORE I COULD DO. I wish I had someplace to run away to. Somewhere to hide. Somewhere I could go to just be forgotten about.

Some way of starting over.

But nothing I do seems to help how I feel. Nothing seems to take away the pain in my heart. I try my absolute hardest to remain positive and look forward to my future but it's so difficult. I feel unwanted. I feel unloved. Unappreciated. Lonely. I feel unmotivated. I feel untalented. Misunderstood. And all I can do is keep looking forward. Keep taking Life... one day at a time. Even tho I'm hurting so badly inside.

I use to be so passionate. So charming. My spark use to burn so bright. But now?? My flames been snuffed out and all that's left is the smoke that dances in the air :-[

Thanks alot.

Well you know what they say: "One's first love is always perfect until one meets one's second love." - Elizabeth Aston. I guess I'ma just keep searching.

Day in, and Day out.

2009-06-10T21:04:00.000-07:00

They say if you don't deal with it... then it kills you, a little by little. And that's how I've been starting to feel. I keep running and pushing, but I'm not moving :-[ I wanna GO and GET somewhere.

Anywhere is better than here.

I wanna feel like I belong again. Like I could be someone. Someone important haha Right now, we all work the same dead-end job.. day in and day out... day dreaming about a better life. Romantic, huh? Walking around... feeling uninterested, unloved, unappreciated, and unfulfilled. But we've got a choice. We can try to change tonight, or we can live and die this way. Either way.. SOMETHING has gotta give :-/ I'm just so sick of being angry and depressed all the time.

YEAH things are fkd up and yeah I'm stuck in a sticky situation and yeah the Worlds a giant shit-hole.. BUT I WANT TO BE HAPPY hah They say ignorance is bliss well fk me, then. I wanna be stupid as hell hahaha I don't wanna know ANYTHING anymore hahaha just let me be ignorant as hell. It seems like the more I know, the worse I feel. Politically.. spiritually.. emotionally and mentally... I'M A WRECK. I don't know WHAT to think or do anymore.. and it seems like the harder I try, the more things turn around to bite me in the ass haha

It's true what they say.. Believe half of what you see, and none of what you hear.

It's true what they say.. Karma is a bitch.

Nobody said it would be easy. But nobody ever said it would be this so damn hard.

But HEY the grass is always greener on the other side, right?? Here in America, we're taught that from a very young age. "IT ALWAYS GETS BETTER" right?? That's why we cheat... steal... lie.. and divorce eachother. Because it's ALWAYS better on the other side. Our parents? Their parents?? "Love" really meant something. Back then, people were proud to still be together, despite the fact they didn't get along much hahah look at all the older sitcoms where the mother and father fought non-stop hahaha!!

People had honor, and respect back then. Not only for eachother... but for themselves.

Now-a-days?? We read our trashy magazines and we watch "Real World" and the "Desperate Housewives of (insert city)" and we all think it's cool as fk to be married 10 different times, right?? Hell; if this marriage doesn't work out... I'll find somebody else! We consume all this garbage day in and day out.. and NOW?? I'm not too sure Love exists anymore. I mean, we all sit around and say it still haha and we dream about it and talk about it BUT I NEVER SEE IT DO YOU?? Not in our personal lives... and, not in the entertainment industry. It's not in our communities anymore, or our foreign policy even.

Welcome to the age of "Fuck You, Pay Me" where we all are looking out for US and WHATS GOOD FOR US and THAT'S IT. And, if you don't believe me then just take a look around you.

It's time to quit lying to yourself.

Chances are, if you've been "in love" before... it also worked out extremely well for YOU. haha YES plenty of us have had our heart broken before, but when it was good it was GREAT and we felt GREAT and that's what it was. Even the idea of "falling" in love feels great, doesn't it?? Nobody WANTS to be alone. And rarely EVER do you see the person SO love sick, and SO infatuated with somebody they can't ever be with. Usually... IF IT DOESN'T WORK FOR US, we're out. Like: "Fk it." And, those people who are REALLY hopelessly in love? Well we place restraining orders against 'em.

Because selflessly committing yourself to one person..?! That's fkn weird, isn't it??

"Love" is weird :-/

I've been with so many women who told me how LUCKY they were and how GREAT they felt with me until WHOOP there it is; and now they say things like I DON'T DESERVE YOU and bullshit like that :-[ wtf does that even mean?? Why wouldn't you try your hardest to be with somebody if they are "so great??" I don't understand it. But maybe it's not meant to be understood. Maybe we're ALL a little fkn crazy.

What can I say?? I guess they're right. As hard as some of us may try.. we can't force Love. "Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command." - Alan Watts

Really tho.. it's weird, isn't it? Just think about how complete strangers can become passionate lovers... and then, turn into bitter enemies. I can remember all four women I've ever said "I Love You" to... and, I can remember how/what I thought of them the first day I met them. At first you are so attracted and infatuated with them. And after a certain point in time.. you get comfortable and you even start imagining your LIFE with this person. You day dream about growing old together. Then you start to "fight" and make up; and then you REALLY fight haha and argue and piss eachother off. You go back and fourth and back and fourth... AND THEN, there's the last time you see 'em. The drastic differences between all these times in the relationship haha even tho it's the same two people involved.

I'll probably never get the answers that I wanna hear. Things get too complicated.

Maybe I'm wrong maybe love isn't what I need?? Maybe LOVE alone isn't the answer. "Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone - but not the complete structure. It is much too pliable, too yielding." - Bette Davis (1908 - 1989)

"Love" is weird

The tables have turned.

2009-06-09T16:58:00.000-07:00

I know we have to look forward but sometimes it's so hard :-/ isn't it?? It doesn't matter if you're talking about a year, a month, a week, or a day... looking in the past is something we ALL are guilty of doing. Sometimes we use the past to justify something in the present. We'll think to ourselves: "he had it coming to him" etc.. Sometimes we rationalize with our past, and think about how different our future is going to be.

Sometimes we just DWELL. Past success or failure.. past memories, past relationships, even opportunities of the past. But it's entirely too possible to become WRAPPED UP in our past. It's obviously nothing we can change... but we forget how easy it is to rewrite our futures haha each and every day, we are given another chance at this crazy game called Life.

We've all got a beautiful and fulfilling life to live. Everything is up to us, and what we choose to do. How we decide to live. Bob Marley said: "if it don't come, I've got to go looking for happiness" and I really love that mentality! You can't expect good things to fall in your lap. Look at these billionaire teenagers, children of celebrities, etc.. these people are usually miserable haha they just look great while they do it! Drug addicts with expensive taste. Selfish. Self-centered, and spoiled rotten. They don't appreciate a damn thing!!

You've got to be a warrior and march with your head held high, right thru any storm in your path! On the other side... the sun will shine brilliantly, and has never felt so warm! TRUST ME I've been there before!!! It's true, the best things in life are free of cost.. but are great in sacrifice!

You can obtain it ALL but you've got to help YOURSELF first!

Right now tho, every single one of us are cheating ourselves. I DON'T CARE how successful you THINK you are, you S T I L L aren't realizing your real potential! Guaranteed!! Not until we quit arguing and fighting over bullshit... Not until we stop dividing and conquering ourselves... we all got so caught up in our Starbucks and our MTV and our i-Phones that we forgot what humans are really capable of!

Remember what it was like without the internet?!

ME EITHER!!!

But believe it or not.. people use to exist without all this garbage haha and infact they got to be so smart they INVENTED this shit we use everyday hahaha

Some of us can't even do math without a calculator haha or an essay without spell check! Or a debate without Google. We can't even reminisce things anymore without photos and videos.. and we don't date without Facebook haha it's pretty fkn pathetic. Books?? That's what the movies are for. Advice?? That's what the TV is for. Newspapers?? That's what blogs are for.....right??

hahaha Yeeaaah I'm completely aware how hypocritical I'm being-

But what do you want ME to do about it?? I'll admit it: I would LOVE to quit rapping and blogging and working and just PACK UP and move to a tropic island hah that would be fkn awesome. Honestly that would be the best thing I could ever imagine hahah that's LIVING right there!! I would just survive off the land.. maybe take up a trade and live like the locals. Probably spend my nights playing some hand drums around a campfire. haha Yea yea yea I'd be poor as shit, but at least everybody else would be too!

Too bad it's not that easy :-[

And as powerful as we all wish we were haha there are some things that I can never change. All I can do is S M I L E, and keep looking forward. Not even days or weeks ahead... maybe just hours? Just take each day as it comes... and try my hardest to enjoy everything in my way. Even the small jabs haha.. just take them, and embrace them! It may be annoying but fk it WHO KNOWS what it may bring!! And, who knows when your last day will be? This isn't a job folks, this is Life! You don't get a two weeks notice-

But don't take MY word for it... wtf do I know?? I'm just some idiot on a computer. "How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live." - Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862)

Be careful of my heart.

2009-06-08T22:06:00.000-07:00

"You and your sweet smile. You and all your tantalizing ways. You and your honey lips. You and all the sweet things that they say. You and your wild wild ways. One day you just up and walked away. You felt me hurting. But I can forgive you for that now. You taught me something. Something took me half my life to learn. When you give all yourself away. Just tell them to be careful of your heart.

Be careful of my heart. Be careful of this heart of mine. It just might break and send some splinters flying. Be careful of my heart.

You took my love. Thought you took it all.

You took my love.

And now you're gone

But I'm not breaking down. And I'm not falling apart. I just lost a little faith. When you broke my heart. Given a chance.. I might try it again. But I wouldn't risk it all this time. I'd save a little love for myself. Enough for my heart to mend. A little love for myself

One day I just might love again

One day some sweet smile might turn my heart

One day I just might give all myself away"

-Tracy Chapmen

Home, Sweet home.

2009-06-07T15:42:00.000-07:00

"Life's a voyage that's homeward bound." - Herman Melville (1819 - 1891)

As great as it was to take a mini vacation... it feels good to be home!! I'll tell ya what, tho... Cincinnati and Kentucky were awesome!! I'd move down there!!!!!

After the graduation party... me, my sister, and my brother-in-law all went exploring haha. We ended up at this little city called Newport, which is on the water (Kentucky side) and is FULL of shops, restaurants, and bars. They had a huge boardwalk that was pretty much an outdoor shopping mall! I'm talkin' about: Gamworks, clubs, AMC 20, a comedy club, gift shops, Johnny Rockets, an aquarium... TONS of stuff to do!!! We walked around a bit before stopping and getting somethin' to eat. Got a ton of great pictures, too!

This little town was PACKED tho!!! I mean... shoulder to shoulder people! All of em were about 20-29 too, a real young crowd. Turns out, there's 5 college universities with-in 10miles of Newport, and they ALL offer shuttles in and out! THAT'S why it was so damn packed hahaha I guess it's always like that!! Very cool city, to say the least!

They ever have a foot bridge across the river into downtown Cincinnati (which I had all intentions of walking) but since there was a Reds game (fyi: Cincinnati's baseball team) the entire bridge, and city, was PACKED haha so we just enjoyed the night from our side of the water.

Watched the Red Wings stomp some Pittsburg ass into the ice. That was nice. Got back to the hotel room around 2am, watched an extremely overpriced movie and crashed.

The ride home wasn't bad at all (esspecially when you sleep for half of it) haha but we DID stop at a Wafflehouse and got some breakfast/lunch. I got some really good photos... got a little sun... ALL in ALL?? A great trip!! I'd definitely want to go back to Newport again :-)

You know what they say, tho... "A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it." - George Moore

LIVE from Kentucky... it's Saturday Night!

2009-06-06T19:41:00.001-07:00

Just got down here and boy is it beautiful down here?? The drive wasn't bad at all (4.5hrs) and now we're at my cousin's house in Kentucky. My family lives just south of the Ohio River, so you can overlook downtown Cincinnati, too. So you've got these two great towns only miles apart.. it's pretty righteous!

I'm here for my cousin's graduation, which is exciting! She's got a full-ride to Eastern Michigan University for soccer, too!! BUT, the only time she's ever been to Michigan was for EMU orientation, etc... SO, me and my sister are planning to take her out once she moves up here. Show her Ann Arbor and Royal Oak, and such..

She got a new car for her graduation present... but they made her do a scavenger hunt ALL thru town hahaha she finally ended up at a storage compound haha. There, she had a HUGE math problem to figure out, and the answer was the number on the storage unit with her car in it haha quite an adventure.

Oh Lord I've been stuffing my face with finger foods alll day haha but that's alright! What else do you do at graduation parties, besides eat and talk??

Alright, I gotta go outside I'M BEING SUMMONED FOR PICTURES hah! Adios

Oh yay. Tired and ichy

2009-06-05T23:13:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the delay in posts.. dunno if any of you have noticed that hah-

My computer, like me, has been a little under the weather. The internet keeps freezing on this damn thing.. and ME? Poisin Ivy ;-) yea yea yea serves me right for hikin' around huh

Well I've got it under control now, and I think the CPU should be good... so I'm back in business. Right in time, too... I'm going with my family down to Cincinnati tmrw for a cousin's graduation party. Should be a fun road trip (I'm riding separately with my sister and my brother-in-law)

It'll be nice to catch up with some family.. it's so crazy how fast they grow up on ya!!

"We must use time as a tool, not as a crutch." - John F. Kennedy (1917 - 1963)

I've been job hunting like crazy and it's looking real good. Yea, I'm crazy haha I want as many jobs as I can get, you know?? No such thing as TOO MUCH money.

I'm about to go lay down and read a book, tho. I'm exhausted! I'm gonna try (if I get a chance) to get to a computer sometime tmrw, maybe in the hotel room? And, hopefully I'll post a new entry with some pics from that AWESOME new digital camera I just got ;-)

If not?? I'll talk to you all on Sunday!! Have a great weekend

Born of a broken man.

2009-06-04T18:36:00.000-07:00

I can't believe the Wings lost again :-(

Oh well I guess they're just trying to build up some suspense haha YEAAAH that must be it. Well, sports aside, I hope you all are doing well atleast. I know, I know, I know... LIFE IS fkn CRAZY hahaha

It's always something, isn't it??

"Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success." - Brian Adams

I think it's real funny how people who try and quit something, always have to replace the original habit (they're trying to quit) with a new, slightly better habit. I don't drink beer anymore, right? But can somebody tell me why I feel thirsty 24/7 now?? I mean... THIRSTY too. Like I'm in a fkn desert or something!! I'll suck down an entire 12 pack of ice teas in a day haha and now it's A&W rootbeer this shit is crack! hahaha

To help quit smoking I chewed gum haha that seems to help pretty well. Not nicotine gum tho because I've a firm believer that if you're going to quit smoking, there is no point maintaining a healthy nicotine addiction thru gum or the patch or anything like that. Just QUIT, already!

But now I've got packs of gum layin' all over the place... reminds me of those Newport boxes you could find hidden all over my house and car and garage hahaha like some sort of sick Easter egg hunt for smokers hahaha

Or empty baggies? hahah EVERYWHERE

People replace all sorts of things like this. Coffee, soda, candy, energy drinks. Even gamblers, workaholics, shopaholics, and sexaholics. If you cut out one of your vices... you almost INSTANTLY replace it with something else haha. You might cut some fatty foods from your diet, and replace it with exercising... but now, your exercise regiment is as addictive and consuming as the McDonalds use to be. Exercise is your new vice.

In many cases, the new vices are BETTER than the old ones. They might be cheaper... or healthier... or legal hah

But can't we ever just live VICELESS?? Without urge? Without craving? Or is it really just our human nature to feel unfulfilled?? hah Maybe we NEED our vices? To add structure to our lives? To add meaning and identity??

I don't know!! I'm just thinking aloud right now. It's weird how things can take a hold of our lives, and wrap their chains around us. Our legs... our arms.. we become tangled and chained to our vices. And, we all walk around.. each and every day.. dragging our vices behind us.

I want to break my chains. I want to be f r e e

But "nobody can give you freedom. Nobody can give you equality or justice or anything. If you're a man, you take it." - Malcolm X (1925 - 1965)

Like a thousand moths in the lampshade.

2009-06-03T14:01:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to stay as busy as possible... keep my mind off things, you know?? I have a tendency to over think EVERYTHING hahaha so if I can even get a FEW minutes of peace it's nice. I've noticed that karma really is a bitch, tho.

Freal hahah and I can't even take her on a date

Maybe it's me being completely disillusion, BUT I can see how things I've done in the past have come back to bite me in the ass. NO JOKE! It's even very similar situations.. just flipped on me. Things I thought I would "get away with" haha

But that's life.

"What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing." - Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900) that's me alright haha

I still haven't had a chance to get back in the booth and record some new songs. I think this is the LONGEST I've gone without recordings since..... jail? Damn. That can't be right, but it FEELS that long. However, I got a call today from an old promoter I use to work with. He booked me up for two dates in July so that's cool I'll have some shows comin' up. Just doesn't feel the same, you know?? Don't get me wrong I LOVE MAKING MUSIC-

I've just got new priorities now.

I've been spending a lot of time at home, with family. Kinda been a loner haha so if you haven't seen me in FOREVER don't take it personal hah I've been low key as fk. Whenever I go out I want to get back into my old bad habits hahaha the idea of going to a bar and NOT drinking atleast A beer :-/ ha but it's cool it just takes self control. And time.

A peaceful heart, and disciplined mind. These are the only tools I need.

The day the Sun went out.

2009-06-02T21:45:00.000-07:00

You can't just measure a man by the number of victories he has. You must also look at how that man handles defeat. STRENGTH doesn't mean you win all the time haha real strength means you can lose gracefully. No matter how great you think you are... NOBODY is undefeated. We've all lost our share of battles. But all that matters is how we accept our defeat. Do we run home, crying and pouting?? Or, do we brush ourselves off and continue in the war? "We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems." - John W. Gardner (1912 - 2002)

There is going to come a time in our lives, when we are completely alone. No teammates. No coach. No cheerleaders. No fans.

Just us.

And, at that moment, we decide what kind of person we are. Do we make excuses? Do we duck and hide? Do we try and sneak around? Or do we step up nose to nose with our adversity? Do we keep swinging until our arms fall off??

"A mind troubled by doubt cannot focus on the course to victory." - Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha

The only person who can stop us, is ourselves. We must FULLY believe in ourselves, and our cause. We must act with pride. And, we must never doubt our own abilities and strengths. There are PLENTY of other people to do that for us hahaha WE must stay vigilant.

We must know that on the battlefield, the only thing we can ask for is survival. We all want the BEST of EVERYTHING but it doesn't work like that haha. We must just be happy with what we've already got!! "I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who overcomes his enemies." - Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC)

I must follow my heart, and let my desires go.

"It is the nature of desire to never be satisfied, and most men live only for the gratification of it." - Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC) we ALL need to start realizing how already gratifying our lives are! Take a deep breathe.... YOU'RE ALIVE!!! And there is no point in gaining the World, if you're only going to lose your soul. Like they say, the best things in life are free. We've just got to be H A P P Y it's that simple!

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." - Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)

I feel really good today. I (obviously) have been feeling a lot healthier since I've quit drinking and smoking... but even mentally, I feel great! Habits are hard to break, yes. And BAD habits are even harder to break haha but I'm pretty proud of myself. A month or two ago... I don't know too many people who would tell you: "yeah, Matt can just STOP drinking beer and smoking weed" but look at me now! :-)

I've realized that I want more control over my life.

"Happiness depends upon ourselves." - Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC)

When people use to live for life.

2009-06-01T22:17:00.000-07:00

Things are so drastically different now. Think about how people use to live WAYYY back in time... when the meaning of life was survival. They built their own shelters. They made their own clothes. They hunted their own food. They protected their families from wild beasts and diseases.

Those were the days, weren't they??

They certainly didn't blog, hahah!! They were PROVIDERS. Not just consumers.

"I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. My sons ought to study mathematics and philosophy, geography, natural history, naval architecture, navigation, commerce, and agriculture, in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music, architecture, statuary, tapestry, and porcelain." - John Adams (1735 - 1826)

And now look at us. Allllll the great minds of the past... and alllllll the hard work, and inventions, and wars waged in our name. Waged in the name of a God. And for what??? Cheese in a can, Diet sugar-free zero calorie soda, and edible woman's panties? We've designed our own demise!! Nobody even has to MOVE! We can just sit our fat asses in our Laz-E-Boy chair, and order delivery on our i-Phones.

We don't even have to know where we're going, these days! I'm sure you've seen these people... NO idea where they are headed or how to get there.... i-Phone glued to their hands, eyes glued to the screen. These folks would be useless if the batteries on their little contraption died. They wouldn't even know where to start!! That's why it gets dangerous. We've left even the most BASIC functions up to a computer. At first, it was just fun. And, convenient!

But now, we've completely stopped learning the most basic skills and trades, just because a COMPUTER can do it for us. Nobody has to remember SHIT now.... because, the almighty Google know it's all.

God bless Google, right???

And what more can I ask for?? There is no going back in time. This life.. these politics... this World. It's already been corrupted. "A sound mind in a sound body. A short, but full description of a happy state in this world." - John Locke (1632 - 1704) That's all I'm looking for. A sound mind, in a sound body.

I can't even tell what's real anymore. Even our relationships with each other have become so artificial, and calculated. MySpace? Facebook?? What ever happened to conversation. Like; REAL conversation making. With REAL people?? Is that such an idea of the past??? We've stripped our friendships down to "comments" and "messages" is that it now? People who have been best friends for YEARS.. slip away and now only keep in contact thru some stupid fkn machines.

It's a joke.

I'm convinced. Nano-technology is going to be the death of us, folks. And, we have nobody to blame but ourselves!

Our dumb, apathetic selves.

But wtf are WE gonna do??? I got in to a little conversation about that today. And, about Barrak. Not a debate just a conversation. And I was trying to explain my point of view on politicians.. which is that they're all bullshit. Democrats and Republicans alike. Even "independents" haha they're all bullshit.

And you can't bullshit a bullshitter. This country was bought and paid for YEARS ago. This garbage they shuffle around every four years?? It's just a bunch of nonsense to keep us distracted from how badly we're all getting fkd by the top 1%

These "candidates" are hand selected and endorsed by powerful international bankers. The people who control HOW MUCH OUR MONEY IS WORTH try and imagine that kind of influence. These are the creme de la creme. The cream of the crop. And, they have so much money it means nothing to them. They want power.

So they play international politics, like you or I would play chess. Only; instead of moving around little plastic kings and pawns... they shape policy and opinion by moving around REAL men with REAL money. This isn't monopoly. It's a perfect example of incrimentalism.

That's the idea that... you don't have to control all 30 billion people on this planet to control "the World" all you have to do is control a handful of the most important and influential people. From that, they will (in turn) control their own handful of people and so on.

Before you know it, 4 or 6 people have spread their agenda to MILLIONS. Effective and efficient. And VERY realistic, unfortunately.

THIS IS HOW OUR WORLD IS RUN.

And in this hierarchy of power... honestly... the President of the United States is MAYBE on the 5th or 6th rung hahah that mfkr is a puppet. He's not the guy DECIDING how the World is run... he's simply the guy chosen to tell America whats going on. He has no power trying to de-throne this top 1% because they are responsible for getting Barrak where he is. You can't bite the hand that feeds you.

America (and the World) was sick of George W. Bush, and anything that smelled like him. We wanted the LEAST old white man we could get!! And the 1% knew this they're not stupid. Even old white Republicans wanted something different.

So we were given the best of both Worlds. It was almost like a "alright shut up already"

Do you want the first WOMAN president, or the first BLACK president?!? Neither of them remind us of George W. Bush, right???? I mean... it's going to be DIFFERENT now, right?? Everything is going to CHANGE!!

Too bad that Clinton, Obama, AND McCain were all paid for by the same large multinational corporates. Go back, and look at who contributed to their campaigns. The same lobbys. The same constituents. The same international bankers. WHY WOULD THAT HAPPEN THO??

Because, it's really hard to lose when you play for every team.

You've got to understand that people wouldn't even GET FAR ENOUGH for you to cast a vote for them... IF, they weren't already approved by this top 1%

THEY decide who they want to run this country... and then they pump enough money, media attention, and rhetoric into their campaign until we all agree and vote them in hahah like it was OUR choice or something haha

"All power corrupts, but we need the electricity." - Unknown

Thats why I laugh when I see these bumper stickers that are like: "SAVE OUR PLANET" haha the planet is gonna be just fine we need to save OURSELVES!

It's just another well-oiled machine.

2009-05-31T22:56:00.000-07:00

It's so easy to worry about the small details; but really, you've got to always focus on the bigger picture. "Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies." - Woody Allen (1935 - )

I haven't been writing/rapping as much as I use to haha which isn't a bad thing but it isn't a good thing either. I guess I have just been finding other ways to vent my stress (such as this blog) but still I think I need to spend a few hours in the studio tmrw.

I can't lose my spark, right?? ;-)

I woke up pretty early today and went to Dave & Busters with a couple of friends. Now, if you don't know what Dave & Busters is.... well goddamn! It's like a Chuck-E-Cheeze for adults haha so we went and got some food and played some arcade games haha felt like a little kid for a couple hours it was nice...

You know what they say: "Nothing’s better than the wind to your back, the sun in front of you, and your friends beside you." - Aaron Douglas Trimble

Came home, chilled around the house with my parents and watched the Red Wings whoop some more ass!!! hahaha HAS ANYBODY ELSE NOTICED THAT WE'VE FOUGHT ALL BIRDS???? The Mighty Ducks... the Black Hawks... and now, the Penguins!! hahaha

It doesn't matter WHO we're faced up with.. the Red Wings win with such pose and professionalism! An entire team of talented, considerate team-mates.. who all LOVE the game of hockey!!! It takes POWER to win with grace like that. A real passion for the game. To be a good sportsman... and; to hold the other team in the palm of your hand, and softly snuff them out with a smile?? That's POWER. "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)

Finally in the finals..

2009-05-30T23:41:00.000-07:00

I woke up today and got suited and booted. I was determined to get as many jobs as I could. Don't get me wrong I like my new gigs but I want more!

One of my friends has rented a 2009 G6 for the weekend so he swooped my and my cousin up and we went job hunting! I turned in about 10 applications hahaha and then we went over to my uncle's house to catch up with him for a minute.

After that, ended up just watching this Red Wings game at my crib.... GO WINGS!! It's so awesome to watch the home team win hahaha the Wings are such a dynasty! It's inspiring!! What a great display of team work, and self-discipline. "We improve ourselves by victories over ourself. There must be contests, and you must win." - Edward Gibbon (1737 - 1794)

Every single day, we wake up in a warzone. Each morning brings a new battle, of the mind and body. "Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win." - Sun-tzu (~400 BC) we must be READY for war. We must take on each and every day HEAD to HEAD! Crawl into the trenches and run towards the front line! We must take on each minute of our life with personal conviction and we must FIGHT our demons!!

But, we must always remember that the fight itself is more memorable than the dance in the winner's circle. "The moment of victory is much too short to live for." - Martina Navratilova (1956 - ) we must embrace the STRUGGLE we face, and love the pain it brings us.

Who could have guessed??

2009-05-29T19:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, we all have a way of letting ourselves down. It can be small things.... little things that may ruin your day. Or it can be large, devastating things.

Me? I'm guilty of both. I've done some things in the past that I'm ashamed of. And I also do some stupid stuff on a day-to-day basis too ha. But we can't focus on how we let ourselves down.. instead we need to focus on how we can build ourselves up.

"True happiness arises (in the first place) from the enjoyment of one's self." - Joseph Addison (1672 - 1719) you've got find peace in your life or you will never find yourself peaceful. It's so easy to get distracted by the mistakes you've made. But by doing that, you're only re-making those mistakes. You're giving them the power to control your entire life!! NO I'm not saying blow everything off but once you've examined something you've got to move on. You've got to get over it. If you don't... it'll eat you alive!

With each and every day... we are faced with a new challenge. Some, easier than others. But if we never see these challenges through, we will be hunted by them every time we wake up.

Sometimes, I am my own worst enemy. My biggest critic. And I've realized that MY mistakes can affect a lot of other people in the process. It's fkd up but life is a learning experience and THAT'S IT if you don't learn anything along the way then you'll never graduate.

You don't have to be in school, but each year you've still got to graduate your life. Do something bigger and better than the year before.

Sometimes it feels like we failed a year doesn't it haha? And there we are... right back in the same stupid desk we were sitting at allll last year. Some people get stuck in that desk for the rest of their lives!! It's crazy to think about where you will be 10 years from now... and what you'll be doing.

But trust me-

If you DON'T think about those things... then you'll have no choice in the matter. You've got to have a plan. You need a 1 year plan. A 5 year plan. Even a 10 year plan. WHERE do you see yourself, and WHAT do you see yourself doing? Those are the questions you need to answer. Because nobody can answer them for you. People can offer suggestions... or maybe push you in the right direction.

But we stand on our own two feet. We walk in our own shoes, and we sleep in our own sheets.

This isn't utopia, tho. Every day is going to bring a struggle and you've got no other option than to forge on. "We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world." - Helen Keller (1880 - 1968) so with that being said, I must continue forward. That's all any of us can do.

Ain't life crazy? Who could have guessed??

All I can do is follow the advice of William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616) who once said: "Love all. Trust few. Do wrong to none." Maybe then, I will find myself on the road to Zion.

I still ain't forgave myself.

2009-05-28T21:37:00.000-07:00

Everything is relative, isn't it? The same shit could happen to two different people, and I guarantee they'd take it differently. That's what makes us who we are. It's not really about WHAT's happened to us, but HOW we handle those things. While one person is complaining about something that's going on in their life, another person may embrace the exact same situation in a different way.

Or even the same person may react two different ways to the same situation, based on how their day is going on that particular day. Maybe you're having a great day, and things are just rolling off you. Nothing can touch you! But the next day, the same shit will make you furious. Discourage you. BUT it's the same situation. And, you're the same person. Think about it. What gives?! Is our mentality really that important??

I guess it depends. Do you see your glass as half full or half empty?

For me it changes haha I can be up and down like a roller coaster some days. Others, I'm just cruisin' along like a sail boat. That's why I'm really trying to challenge myself to stay positive thru WHATEVER comes my way. Life can pull some switch-ups and throw me a curve ball or two... but I'ma still swing. Because (like I said earlier) I've realized just how important our own mentality is.

"Never despair; but if you do, work on in despair." - Edmund Burke (1729 - 1797)

You've got to just be HAPPY. And, CONFIDENT in your happiness. 24/7, 365 days a year.. there's going to be somebody that tries to bring you down with them. They try their hardest to make you feel as crappy as they do haha! But we've all got baggage of our own to carry. You can't let people just throw their garbage at you.

Just smile at 'em, and tell 'em to fk off hahaha

At the same time... I'm actually TRYING to be a nicer guy. Just, in general. There's enough assholes out here in this World. Honestly its so much easier to be a dickhead haha and I'm pretty good at it sometimes too haha

But that's the point. I want to discipline myself. I need to. Like I've said before; you can pick the sport, but you can't change the rules. And you can't shake hands if your fist is clinched. I wanna learn how to love everything and everybody. Even those who hate back. If you consume your whole heart with love, you won't even FEEL the hate!

"You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth." - Evan Esar (1899 - 1995)

There will always be haters hah but you don't have to notice them. You can just smile, and walk right past 'em. You don't have to get so aggravated! You've just got to know that you're better than that!! You're better than hate. It's such a weak emotion. People give so much power to the word "hate" but to me HATE is one of the easiest things you can do. To HATE something just means that you haven't looked hard enough to find it's beauty. It's you, letting your emotions get the best of you.

Really; that's all love is too, tho. You can never be both, in love and logical at the same time. The love will ALWAYS win over reason haha that's what LOVE is. Giving somebody the power to hurt you the most......... and hoping they don't. It's you, letting your emotions get the best of you.

The only way it EVER works out, is if the other person loves you as much as you love them. That way, you look out FOR EACH OTHER. Because (to me) when you're really IN LOVE, you put that other person above yourself. And if they return the favor... then you'll both be protected.

If not, you're liable to have your heart ripped out.

But hell it's LIVE and LEARN right?? It's a great feeling, being in Love. It's also completely dangerous haha but ANYTHING WORTH HAVING is going to be a risk.

That reminds me of another great quote I read today.. "I believe in an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out." - Arthur Hays Sulzberger

Despite the shitty weather, I've had a good day today (if it wasn't obvious already) and I even picked up an extra shift at work. I can't wait for this paycheck haha I've had AT LEAST 2-3 extra hours each day this week!! Still no officially word on the second job yet, but I'ma call and bug them tmrw ;-)

TGIF, too. DAMN the weekend came up fast, didn't it?! Memorial Day just made this whole week FLY BY; and here we are, almost 2 weeks deep on my blog, now. It's been a crazy couple of days, too. But shiiiiit, when you boil it all down.. that's what life is, right? Just a crazy couple of days, all added up.

So far, sobriety has been nice to me. I've been good; but I won't lie, I still struggle with my vices BUT WHO DOESN'T HAVE VICES?? I go to work and watch the old times suck down cup after cup of sugary coffee. I see all these fat fucks shoving their faces with cola and candy and greasy food. Sex addicts. Gambling addicts. Kleptomaniacs. Me? In the past, I've enjoyed my share of marijuana and cigarettes and cold beer haha! Maybe even your share too hahah but its time to grow out of that phase in my life. It's been fun (trust me) but it's time to move on. "It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues." - Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865) a great quote, which (to me) just means HOW you deal with your vices determines what kind of person you are. Sometimes, your weaknesses can make you stronger.

Please don't remind me.

2009-05-27T23:53:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how insignificant we can feel, isn't it?? I mean... if you REALLY think you're the shit, then just look up at the stars n THEN try'n tell me something!! On this giant green marble planet WE ARE ANTS crawling around and performing our jobs. That's it. Wake up, work, eat, poop, and go back to sleep. That's all we can do. And, we try the best we can... hoping that the "best we can" is good enough. Sometimes we try and breathe under water but we forget that we're still just swimming in a swamp.

I want to be DONE with the daily bullshit. I mean, I wish I could see past it alllll.... and, just focus on the years ahead. Skip by the days and weeks and months of drama. It might only be a few hours a day, but that shit adds up!!! haha

Regardless, I've enjoyed my day off (to say the least) I went out with my sister and my brother-in-law and watched the Red Wings game. It was so nice to just kick back, and relax!! AND my sister gave me her old digital camera (which is fkn awesome) so that was cool! I've been working my ass! But, there's nothing wrong with that. I'd rather be busy as hell... working the hours away; then sitting around, doing nothing. I've got to get my life in order. Right now, I've got priorities that are so much larger than me. They're bigger than MY feelings or MY convenience. And I need to embrace every challenge I'm faced with.

I need to empower myself and my self-control. I need to quit being afraid of the collision, and hit the walls HEAD ON; and take the World for what it's worth!! Too many people live their life without knowing what they DESERVE. That's not me. Since the day I was old enough to make a conscious thought... I knew I was going to grow to be something special. I knew I had something to offer the rest of the World.

But now it feels like I'm hitting a brick wall..

This can't be happening.

I feel like I'm standing up with my feet firmly planted on the ground... but, I'm looking up at a mountain. All I see is walls and cliffs in front of me. But, I've got to tighten my laces and CLIMB. I need to ascend. I want to hike so high, that I'm looking down on the past and laughing!

Because right now; I'm sitting in this God damn computer chair, telling myself.......... I'm not here.

I want to be on the summit.

But it's WAY too easy to look up in the sky, and tell yourself THAT'S where you're going to be. It's way too easy to wait for your opportunity. But trust me, you will end up waiting your entire life haha and before you know it you're going on 23 and you ain't got SHIT to show for it hahaha

I'm at a point... where I just wanna be a good guy. I use to wanna be smart and rich and famous but fk that I just wanna be accepted hah. I just wanna be loved.

When I'm not working, I just sit here- day in and day out; spilling my emotions to this stupid fkn computer! haha I wish I had somebody to talk to like this. Somebody to confide to. NOT TO SAY I DON'T!! I have many positive people in my life I DO! But nothing feels as free as a journal.

Right now, I can say wtf ever I want.

And, it feels great.

I just wanna quit waking up if I'ma keep sucking on lemons. I wanna wake up every morning feeling alive and refreshed. Not wondering how shitty my day is going to be! hah I've learned that life is WAY TOO precious and WAY TOO short to stress all the bullshit people are going to throw at you. As always, I'll be honest; I never expected THIS is where I would be.............

but, Here I am.

And, there is nothing wrong with that. I'm ready to take on the World! There are BILLIONS of people on this planet, and a LOT of them are in worse situations than me haha the very least I can do is rejoice! Atleast I've got my health. Atleast I've got my mind, and my sight, and I've (kinda) got my freedom of speech! Atleast I am informed. I mean, I'm not genius but I think I've got enough knowledge to carry me thru this hectic, crazy World. Yes, we all make mistakes. Yes, we're all wrong at times.

But atleast I'm decent enough to admit it!

With that being said... I feel like I've pushed away a lot of people that I care about. Actually, I KNOW I have. I dunno if it's my trust issues or my apathy or just me being a shitty person (plain and simple) I've still hurt a lot of people that care about me. And there's nothing I can do but try my best to make it up to them. I'm starting to see that life is a zero-sum game, and you better be happy with what you get haha or else you'll be miserable!

Errrrybody fks up.

It's only natural.

All I can do is try my hardest to be the best man I can. Maybe being normal and ordinary isn't soo bad after all? Maybe I should just cherish the fact I am who I am. "After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have NO monument, than ask why I have one at all." - Cato the Elder (234 BC - 149 BC)

I can't see 'em comin' down my eyes

2009-05-26T16:36:00.000-07:00

Today (so far) has been kinda rough haha but ey THAT'S LIFE, right?? Besides my ankle still killin' me, work went alright. Seems like the new job is gonna be a keeper. Which is nice! My last job was so terrible I was miserable every time I showed up hahaha! Even tho I took a little pay cut... I'm a LOT closer to home now. And, the people here are real laid back.

AND at least I'm not crawling all over dirty floors, fixin' rusty oily cars anymore!!! hahaha

Yeah... I'd say that things are going pretty good for me. I can't really complain, atleast. Nobody's listening ;-)

I just have a TON of things going on in my personal life... it's nuts! Yesterday started off AWFUL haha but luckily my sister, and my brother-in-law came and saved the day! They took me up to Hines park and we just relaxed in the sun and talked about everything going on. BBQed some grub and threw the frisbee around a little bit (until my legs started hurting) but it was just what I needed! I'm so thankful for the people in my life who have been MORE THAN supportive. Sometimes, it seems like love can come from the most unusual sources.

This blog has been really helpful too. I don't even know (or really even think about) how many people read this thing IF ANY haha but it's sooooo nice to have a place I can put all of my thoughts down. Take a little time each day to clear my head, and organize my feelings. It's really therapeutic for me... and, even inspiring at times. If I didn't have this blog, or the companionship of my loved ones.. I'm sure I'd be going crazy by now haha.

Chances are, I already AM a little crazy, tho-

ha.

It's just so frustrating to feel powerless. Sometimes we try so hard to change, but our situations don't budge. We can push ourselves to the limit.. physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. But! There's always going to be some things we have NO power over. Some things we can never change.

The sooner we realize this... and accept it... the easier life's BS becomes. It's like Bullshit Lite. hahah Yeah, it sucks. And, yeah you're doing your best. But somethings'll never change so fk it haha don't let it ruin your day. Or your life, for that matter. I dunno about you guys... but me? I tend to let things bother me way more than they should ha :-/

I over react. I over analyze. But I also know I do these things, so I've got to try my best to fix it. Bad habits are hard to break. But if I can quit smoking, and stop drinking; then making a few minor character changes shouldn't be too difficult. It's weird, though. It feels like I'm so "old and wise," and like time is running out; but I'm not even 23 yet!!! And I'm pretty sure I DON'T KNOW SHIT haha! I've still got PLENTY of life to live! And if I start planning now, I can still do anything I dream of!!! The same goes for ALL OF US. We can completely turn our lives around.

But don't get it screwed up. We've also still got plenty of time to completely fk our lives up haha

I've learned that all you can ever do is take care of YOU and your loved ones. Forget about the drama, and the arguments. Let your negative thoughts go. Watch them disappear into thin air, like smoke in the wind. Life is what you make it. And now?? I'm done with all the stretch and stress. I'm sick of struggling with myself. My addictions and depression and anxiety and insecurities. And, I'm sick of struggling with others. Their lies and deception and fake personalities.

I want to be a warrior. Not a worrier.

To be successful at that, I need to learn how to chop my problems down into smaller, more manageable sizes. "Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time." - Steven Wright (1955 - ) and DAMN ain't that the truth!!! haha Take it from the guy without a license! Even in a PERFECT WORLD there's going to be some adversity in your everyday existence. They say life is like a "bowl of cherries" butchu still gotta look out for the pits, you know?? Every rose has it's thorn!

Find the beauty in your life. Its vibrant, and warm. It surrounds you, trust me. You've just got to have open eyes and an open mind to see it. In a speech, Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882 - 1945) once said: "Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds." So often, I find this to be true!! We (usually) have complete control over how we react to things.. and how they affect us. We cannot stop the World's rotations.. but we can enjoy the ride.

"I always wanted a happy ending... Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity." - Gilda Radner (1946 - 1989)

One of these days, I'll find my way.

2009-05-25T08:43:00.000-07:00

I woke up today, and can already feel myself slip in a bad mood haha I've got to just relax, and enjoy this beautiful weather. It's just really weird to think about what I WOULD be doing on a day like this. Maybe have a bunch of people over? Or, go out. BBQ some food. Drink some cold beers, and smoke hella weed alll day haha chain smoke Newports until I can't even breathe ha.. stay up late and flirt with some pretty women?? Something along those lines-

But instead, I'm just chill'n at the crib. Alone, ha. Typing on this damn contraption hahah. I already vacuumed the house, and did the dishes :-/ bout to mow the lawn maybe. Sober as a nun. Solo dolo. No plans. Yay?

I can't let days like this discourage me, tho.

Trust me, I'm tryin' the hardest I can. I wake up, and I take a deep breathe, and SMILE. Regardless of what side of the bed I'm on. But, I've got to do a better job of focusing the positive energy in my life. I've got so many awesome things going on right now... I can't let these 1 or 2 obstacles stop me!!

I just feel alone, I guess. I was already a loner haha but this sobriety has kinda alienated me even more. But, that's okay!! I've just got to learn how to roll with it. I can't rely on anybody else. I've got to be able to pick up my own head and hold it high. I've got to carry myself across the finish line and that's it! That's all that matters right now-

"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes." - Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001) What a great quote hahaha I love it! To me, this means one thing. If you really want to get something done... you've got to put your whole heart into it. You can't just throw peanuts, and expect to move an elephant! You've got to REALLY work for anything worth having. It's like they say: "..you can lead a horse to the water, but you can't make him drink." I can't change anybody but myself, and I've got to accept that. I can interest you or maybe even inspire you. But, making a REAL change, takes REAL dedication. REAL conviction.

We've got to expect that of ourselves, AND others.

I was talking with a friend, and we both said how we are afraid of never being loved. Surly, the idea of being alone is terrifying for ANYBODY to think about.

But, that got me wondering.. how can we ever feel "unloved" if we truly love ourselves?? Maybe that's the solution!! Maybe once we really fall in love with ourselves, it becomes impossible to feel alone!

I'd like to think I love who I am. But, maybe I don't??

Think of the strength people use to possess. They spent months on rickety old boats, crossing thousands of miles of ocean. Nearly starving to death on the journey (if the disease didn't kill them first)

And, when they arrived here... it was NOTHING but wilderness. These people constructed an entire NATION! Starting with one house in one little village on the coast of this great Continent. And, it spread like a brush fire!! Until there were banks and corporations and massive cities and intricate governments. These people built it ALL FROM SCRATCH.

That's not to dismiss the terrible things those early white settlers did. They committed some despicable crimes against women, children, Indians, and blacks. But, they were STRONG back then. That's my point. And, now look at us ha. We don't even have basic patience anymore! We Google our questions, we spell-check our writings, we twitter from our phones, we microwave our meals, and we use 1-hour photo!!

"ONE-HOUR PHOTO?! You just SAW the fkn thing!!" - George Carlin

But this is the American way. It's how we were raised. It's been encoded in our DNA. These new generations... my generation.. is apathetic, and lazy, and selfish at best. We got it from the baby boomers. And now, we're passing it down to our younger siblings and our children.

It's no longer cool enough to be a little high before school. I remember kids use to come to class DRUNK and we'd be like: "daaaaaaaaamn!" haha but NOW?? I hear about kids going to school ROLLIN' BALLS on some pills, or doin' coke in the bathroom?!

How does that even sound enjoyable??

"Yeah! Let's get all SUPER fkd up, and go to math class!!!"

No thanks.

But that's the way things are. We all feel hopeless. Stuck. Trapped. And the fact that we care, is slowly disappearing. I can't say I blame them, either. There aren't a whole lot of opportunities for these kids right now. No good jobs. No chances of retirement. Corrupt government officials at all levels. Expensive health care, and unaffordable costs of college.

But maybe we did this all to ourselves?

"The universe may not always play fair, but at least it's got a hell of a sense of humor." - Michael Patrick King, from Sex and the City. Ain't THAT the truth haha. Ever feel like something happens to you FOR A REASON?? Some call it karma, some call it fate; I dunno what it is, but it feels like things happen to spite you sometimes, doesn't it??

Maybe it's life's little way of getting back at you. Or, maybe it's life's way of giving you another chance to better yourself?! Maybe it let's you right your wrongs?? Either way, this life we live is crazy, isn't it? So many questions and NO ANSWERS haha but that's the best part. All we can do is LIVE. That's all. Try'n be the best person you can be... and, take your life one day at a time. You can't just FORGET the things that have happened to you, but you must not live in the past!!! You can't even spend too much time in the future! You must just enjoy NOW. Handle whats in front of you currently. "Time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters." - Margaret Peters

Let's tell eachother fairy tales.

2009-05-24T18:55:00.000-07:00

Geez I'm exhausted ha. Had a pretty good day today despite how sore I was at work! When I got home, I did a few things around the house and took a nap. Woke up and made some dinner... fiddled around on the computer for awhile... and, now I'm bout to watch a movie before bed. Another low key night for me. It doesn't feel like a Sunday, does it??

I can feel my recent optimism slightly slipping I need to grab it back and hold on tighter. Don't get me wrong I feel fine but I wasn't quite "Great" today or yesterday either. I'm not sure what it is.. but, I need to get outta this rut I've been in!!

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Nelson Mandela.

I've always said my biggest fear is failure. Not snakes or spiders or deep water or darkness but FAILURE. I dunno what it is... but the idea of living to be just another average, ordinary man SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME! I want to succeed so badly I want to live my dreams! I know I'm talented enough! I know I've got to keep pursuing my goals.

But I'm haunted by the fact that I may just end up another average, ordinary man.

Not that there is anything wrong with that, I guess. Shhiiiiiit- 98% of us are average and ordinary. We're the people who make the world go around. We work decent jobs. We drive decent cars. We're always trying to reach that NEXT level but it seems like an endless uphill struggle.

The real face of America.

Depressed and bitter ha. The lonily old woman who was prom queen in highschool. The angry old man who was the quarterback of his college football team. The millions of us who spend years to follow our dreams; until the rivers evaporate and the creeks dry up.

We are our own biggest cheerleaders.

And, we are our own worst enemies.

Because; maybe pursuing our dreams is the reward in itself? Maybe I should quit looking for some sort of payoff. Maybe the act of pursuing your dreams is fulfilling enough! I mean... I've had the time of my life! And, I've accomplished quite a bit too. Maybe I can't fail... because atleast I tried! Maybe THAT'S what makes me extrodinary!! "You were not born a winner, and you were not born a loser. You are what you make yourself be." - Lou Holtz

There is no "encore" with life. You've got one stage. One act. And, an unknown number of days your show will be playing. There is no pause. Or, rewind. And you won't beable to write a sequel. Or, read the reviews after your gone.

All you can do is go L I V E

Embrace each day given to you. Hug the opportunities of even ONE MORE HOUR on this crazy planet. That's all I'm trying to do. I'm trying to learn how to TRUST. And, LOVE. And, FORGIVE. I'm trying to take better care of myself... AND, the people around me. I'm ready to open my eyes wide, and see the real beauty in life. "What you see depends on what you're looking for." - Anonymous

I'm just glad to be a l i v e hah I've done a lot of dumb shit in my days. And yet, here I am. Sore, yes. But ALIVE. And I'm getting old too, I can feel it ha. But I can actually FEEL myself getting wiser. More mature. I know I've still got a ways to go. I've got to change things in my life.. and I am changing them. But things already don't really feel the same way they use to. Nothing does. But that's okay, you know?? I'm trying my hardest to build myself up.. and let go of the bullshit that life throws at us. "Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak...sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go." - Unknown

But the feelings remain.

2009-05-23T23:10:00.000-07:00

DAMN it's late and I almost forgot to blog today haha WHADDUP EVERYBODY though! The new job is going really good AND ACTUALLY on my way to work I stopped at a Burger King for some breakfast. While I'm waiting at the counter for my food, I started shooting the shit with the manager on duty. She says she really likes my personality and tells me: if I shave my beard, she'll hire me in for a management position!! Never expected that but HELL YEAH so I'm about to get them my resume and get my ass a 2nd job!!

I'm just gonna chill out and hang around the house tonight... play some video games with the fellas. Been super exhausted haha havn't even gone skating this weekend my legs are KILLIN' me!! My left knee, and my right ankle. Awesome, huh? I'ma just tryn take it easy-

I've been getting a lot of emails about the blog and THATS AWESOME you guys have been reading and enjoying it. Hope it's not just a bunch of rambling haha I'm a scatterbrain sometimes!

Either way, the messages have been encouraging and I appreciate all the feedback and support! It'd be cool if we could ALL learn something from this experience. Maybe trigger a conversation we might not have ever had. Maybe lead you to reflect a little bit more on yourself or your situations. I dunno life is crazy hah never thought I'd have blog fans but THANK YOU everybody! This stupid little screen has become therapy for me. hah

I've really started thinking about this sobriety though and how life changing it can be for me. Nothing BAD comes from being sober hah! I definitely don't have much to lose by trying! I mean it can't hurt, you know? I've spent the better half of 3 years either drunk or stoned (or often both) hah it's been nice to take a seat back and TAKE EVERYTHING IN. I'm the same person I've always been. The drugs and the alcohol didn't "make me" or my identity as much as I thought they did. I'm the same exact guy (go figure hah) except maybe a little less aggravated and I've got more money in my pocket haha. I'm probably a bit more athletic, and maybe even a little better at math HAHAHA! But, essentially.. I'm the same person. Same sence of humor. Same creativity. Same knowledge (maybe even remember it a little bit better now haha) I'm the same guy!

I'm not saying this because anybody has made me feel different.. I'm just thinking out loud..

For being a beer drinkin' pothead it's been pretty easy to chill out and be sober. Almost easier than I thought? Which isn't to say I NEVER think about smoking a cigarette or drinking a beer and smokin' a joint haha but IT'S MANAGEABLE! And that's the honest truth!!

And I'm learning that; if you break ANYTHING down.. it's manageable. If you just take it 24 hours at a time, you can take on everything in front of you. All you've got to do is know what kind of person you WANT TO BE and then consciously spend time each day to become that person! If that means dieting and working out... or quitting bad habits... or reading more... or going to school... or going to work... or saving your money... or practicing a sport or instrument......

Wherever you want to be; that's where you need to walk towards. And, since nobody has invented a time machine you can only live life at the same speed as the rest of us. One second of one minute of one hour at a time.

One day at a time.

"A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval." - Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Everybody has things that they are self conscious about but sometimes that's good because it gives us things to improve on! Self consciousness is only harmful when it's something you have no control over. In which case GET THE FK OVER IT because nobody is perfect. Nothing is perfect. Imperfections are what make you YOU

Once you learn to fall in love with yourself, and you embrace your unique qualities and personality... you will be able to shine brilliantly! Like the brightest star in the sky; everybody will see you as soon as you walk into the room! You will illuminate the entire crowd regardless of where you go.

You will glow!

We're all different levels of "socially awkward." Some better than others. For some, it's certain groups. For some, it's simply numbers. For some people, they're only uncomfortable in new situations.

But it's different for everybody.

Some of us adjust very quickly. Some of us don't even need to adjust much at all. And, then some just never adjust ha. It's allllll about how comfortable you are WITH YOUR SELF!!! Walk this world with confidence, and she will treat you like royalty. Be humble. Be honest. Be patient (something I still have to get better at hah) and be fair. Be passionate. Be observant. "Men are born with two eyes, but only one tongue; in order that they should see twice as much as they say." - Charles Caleb Colton (1780 - 1832) Keep your eyes open and follow your heart!! "A great mind is much like a parachute. It only works well when it's open!" Everything in life happens for a reason. How you react determines how enjoyable things are.

Somewhere between great and okay

2009-05-22T21:31:00.000-07:00

So, the new job is awesome! And, I was able to score a couple extra hours in, which is good. But, leaving work, and walking home... my knee started KILLING ME!! I was on my feet all day and after the 45min walk there... the 45min walk home was exhausting.

I got home, and didn't have any plans for the night. It was really unusual for a Friday night. I was home. Alone. Sober. And, chilllllin' haha.

I've got to admit tho I don't know what it was but I had an urge to drink. I was angry or upset .. if anything I was happy! And, it felt good to be a PRODUCTIVE MEMBER OF SOCIETY again haha but there were beers in the fridge and I drank one for some reason.

NOW LET'S REWIND FOR A SECOND..

The recent sobriety was triggered by two things. Financial situations, and personal obligations. AT NO TIME have I considered myself an alcoholic or drug addict... but, I have a real problem getting drunk and high and getting in trouble with the law. At 22 years old I have two DUIs. But. I was under the legal limit for both of them. But, I was also under the legal age.

Being stupid when you're 20 can catch up to you hah :-/

It's weird, tho. Even after a couple of beers.... in the safety of my own home... I feel SO guilty. ha

I mean... I am of legal age. I am being responsible. And, I hadn't spent a cent! But, I still felt like shit. I mean... I was feeling SO good all week but I couldn't even go 7 days without drinking that's kind of discouraging because as much as I KNOW I CAN.. I didn't.

My quote for today is simple. "A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure. " - Segal's Law.

To me... this means ONE THING. I can't dance with the idea of sobriety. I can either STAY SOBER, or I can relapse. And, that doesn't mean anything bad about what I did tonight because I'm not even drunk.

But, that's besides the point.

Why even drink if I'm not going to get wasted?? And, since I have no intentions on getting wasted... I should have no reason getting drunk. Or tipsy.

You can't live in two worlds. And, you can't live in two time zones haha. I haven't had a cigarette I need to just quit drinking.

I feel stuck, tho.... I mean, I didn't PAY for anything, and I wasn't irresponsible......

BUT STILL!!

"Ultimately, the only power to which man should aspire is that which he exercises over himself." - Elie Wiesel (1928 - alive) I need to be more powerful than this beast that hunts so many people. I want to be POWERFUL. I want to take control of my own destiny!

It seems like Life is a never ending track that you can run, and run.... but, no-matter-what, there's going to be hurdles. You can try and race thru as fast as you'd like.. but, you're still going to have to jump the obstacles in front of you.

Before I go to bed, I'm going to resource back to an ANCIENT philosopher. Words SO OLD; yet, they still have a modern day presence. "Forget injuries, but never forget kindnesses." - Confucius (551 BC - 479 BC)

This goes back to apologizes, and forgiveness.

Cherish the good moments of life; because at times, they are few and far between. But when the sun shines down on you, then embrace it for everything it is. Soak up the rays, and be as brilliant and as blinding as the sun, itself!!

Late night blogging is good for you.

2009-05-21T23:56:00.000-07:00

MAN time flies, doesn't it? I look up and BOOM it's already midnight haha and I completely forgot to blog today. I know, I know... big deal, huh hahah I'm sure you're all over it. I actually had a really nice day today. Woke up kinda late but got things going right outta the bed. My morning workout was good... couldn't ask for any better weather! It feels really nice to be active again ha. And, it's a really good release of aggression too haha for 40mins I don't have to answer to ANYBODY!! It's great-

Got my schedule all taken care of and I start my new job tmrw!! Sorry to everybody in Michigan whose unemployed but I HAD TO DO IT haha I can't stand not working!! Sitting around all day drives me nuts! I love staying busy with whatever I can haha I wanna get a 3rd job!!!!!

Today I had two quotes really inspire me.. both I'd like to share with you. The first is from Wilson Mizner (1876 - 1933) and he said: "God help those who do not help themselves." and I think this one really spoke to my recent decision to stay sober. I know that there are always going to be times when you need help but... you constantly need to be trying to help yourself, too. And, not in a selfish demeanor. But by demanding the respect your life deserves. By living your life to the fullest and never holding yourself back. By knowing what you are worth, and accepting no less. These are the ways that we can help ourselves.

The other quote that touched my heart was from Franklin P. Adams (1881 - 1960) and it goes right along with my life at the moment. It's short. It's sweet. And, I think it does a great job illustrating a point. "To error is human; to forgive, infrequent."

It's one of those "he without sin, shall cast the first stone" things to me. How can you not forgive somebody when you, yourself, have been so angry and bitter with the consequences of your own mistakes?? That's the thing. We've all made mistakes. Some of us have made the SAME mistakes. Some of us have made the same mistakes MORE THAN ONCE. But "he without sin, shall cast the first stone" and, I'm not tossin' a damn one! I'm not completely proud of my past. I've stolen. I've lied. I've cheated. Hell, I've got two DUIs and I'm only 22. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life. But I'm learning the great humility in apologizing. And, forgiving. The tremendous power it gives you to forgive, or apologize to another person is incredible. It puts everything into your palms; and, it allows you to right your wrongs.

It allows you to correct your pasts. And, fix your futures.

How is your star player doing?

2009-05-20T15:52:00.000-07:00

I was watching the Comedy Central last night and the old Katt William's special came on. I've seen all of Katt's shows at least once but last night I caught a segment that I never focused on before. It's when Katt talks about "fk everybody else" and taking care of you... your STAR PLAYER. And, he's right! You can't spend every minute of your life worrying about what other people think.. or trying to please somebody else. You've got 2 responsibilities in this world. You. And, your family. Everything else is arbitrary.

All these things are tied together, though. It seems like ever since I've been trying to get sober, I pick up on all these hidden messages and meanings in things haha! It's cool though, because everything seems to HELP with my sobriety. It's not like I see something and I think to myself: "what are you doing?! You were wrong! Go get loaded right now!!" haha no.. I usually see stuff that inspires me, or makes me think: "this is going to work! Why haven't you been doing this all along??" It's the small stuff that pushes me... and, it keeps me going.

It's weird. All this time.. I was drinking and smoking to escape the stress and pressures of reality. But... then I noticed that most of my problems were BECAUSE of the drinking and smoking. And if the drugs weren't causing the problems they definitely weren't helping solve them either. I was stuck. It felt like I was buried alive in bullshit. Around every corner was SOMETHING ELSE to add to the pile until I was staring up at a mountain of problems. Something that seemed too big to even hike.

But now, I really feel great. My mind is clear. My lungs are clean(er) and my body doesn't feel hungover like shit. I'm rested. I'm focused. I'm determined. I feel like I could climb that mountain I use to stand in front of. I feel FREE. Like somebody had taken the chains off my wrists and ankles.

I don't even find myself craving much. No urges, yet. Not to say they don't ever happen.. but nothing uncontrollable. If ever, it's just a brief... "would you like a beer?" to which I immediately respond: "naaah." It doesn't even seem that appealing to get wasted right now. I've got so much going thru my head... I would rather be sober for it.

Today when I met with my lawyer he told me something very motivational he said: "You know, sometimes we don't know HOW LONG our journey is going to be. Sometimes the road winds on forever and ever until it is completely gone and out of sight. Other times, we know EXACTLY how long our trip is going to take us, and we know how hard of a battle it is going to be. But it doesn't matter if you have to travel 10ft or 10,000 miles.... you'll NEVER go anywhere without taking that first step."

I just kinda sat still for a second, and thought about what I just heard. If you really think about it... he's absolutely right!!

And, I think that goes for everybody, in all situations. No matter what you are faced with... you can never begin the fight without taking that first swing at things. And, so with that being said... I've realized I don't have a choice! I'ma step up, and I'm swingin' for the fences. I'ma get off the bench and walk out onto the big grassy field of life, and I'ma knock 'em outta the park!!!

It feels nice to take an honest fresh breathe.

2009-05-19T20:09:00.000-07:00

Today, I spent my free time doing all the old stuff I use to love to do hah! Rollerblading... making beats... even busted out this old computer game I use to play all the time haha. It's the small things that will make you smile. And it's the little hobbies and activities that keep my mind (and time) occupied. Make it easier to be positive.

I've realized it's that simple. All you have to do is decide that, today, is going to be a good day. Think about it: when somebody asks you "how are you are doing?" or "how your day is going?"... it's up to YOU to answer. You can either be negative. Or you can be positive. You can literally choose how you feel. And, the way you answer those questions, will change how you feel for the rest of the day!!

I just stumbled across a great quote that I want to share with you. "The trick is to make sure you don't die waiting for prosperity to come." - Lee Iacocca (1924 - alive)

How true is that?! Hahaha I've decided to MOVE and take ACTIONS to get me closer to where I want to be in life. You've got to. Nobody is going to push you across the finish line. Nobody is going to carry you through the maze. You've got to get up on your own two damn feet, and do something positive in your life!! "If you have a talent, use it in every which way possible! Don't hoard it!! Don't dole it out like a miser. Spend it lavishly like a millionaire intent on going broke!" - Brendan Francis.

Just another 24 hrs at a time :-) I'm clean.. I feel great.. and I am excited to become the changes I see in my life. I feel blessed right now. Truly focused, and blessed.

Wait!! Nobody likes a quitter, right?

2009-05-18T12:50:00.000-07:00

If we left our lives, and everything important up to "fate" or "God's will," I think our world would come to a halt. We would freeze up. And, we'd rot. Taking away the only TRUE power we've ever been given. The authority over our own decisions.

At times, it feels like we have no authority over our own lives. Like we have no choices. It can be depressing. It'll make you feel like a fish outta water. It'll put you in a terrible mood, and can paralyze your daily life. Trust me, I've been there before.

But it's moments like this, that make you realize how truly powerful you are as an individual! You may not always be given the choices you want in life... but moral and spiritually this reality is whatever you make it. And, if you just sit yourself on the side lines and watch it go on, then you'll never put yourself in a position to score. Even in a team sport. You've got to coach yourself through life's stickiest situations. You've got to play the game.

To help me clear my mind.. I've been reading a lot of quotes. I find 'em motivational. Inspirational. It's crazy to think of the POWER a few short sentences can hold. Even when taken out of context! I found one today I want to share with you.. "Don't reserve your best behavior for special occasions. You can't have two sets of manners, two social codes - one for those you admire and want to impress, another for those whom you consider unimportant. You must be the same to all people." - Lillian Eichler Watson

I started really thinking about this. In a way, we ALL do this. We have our natural behavior we use when we are around friends or family that we are comfortable with. Then, we also have a secondary attitude for those we try to impress. Those at school, or work. The opposite sex.

But if you really tried IMPRESSING everybody you came in contact with.. you would be a different person. And, I'm not just talking about some superficial, pretentious bullshit. Fk your clothes and fk your car honestly, I'm talking about actually i m p r e s s i n g somebody.

Suuuure.. we'd all like to thiiink we're impressive haha right? But, it's all about what you're trying to do.. and how you're doing it. Life is what you make of it. And you've got to realize that, in your life.. there is nobody that is more powerful than you are! You have the ability to just walk around and exist.. OR, you can live each day trying to impress everybody you meet!

Cold turkey and Mayo, on the bread.

2009-05-17T23:11:00.000-07:00

I've had quite a wild ride, to say the least. I'd like to consider myself some-what wise (regardless of the few legal mistakes I've made in the past) but nonetheless.. here I am, ALIVE! And yet slightly intelligent, and a "d r e a m e r" to say the least, right?

I'm mean... let's say America DOESN'T fall into a giant shit hole for the next 5-20 years... still there are MILLIONS of young people in my shoes. Creative. Talented. And determined to try pursuing their dream!? Still... I'm in the trenches.

But I've realized that the only thing holding me back..... is ME! Just the other day I saw a quote I loved on (of all places) an AIM away msg my buddy Mike had up and it said "To see a change, you have the be the change."

That really inspired me.. and got me thinking a lot about my current situation. I mean.... I need to figure SOMETHING out.. quick! It's soooo easy to pass blame, and dodge situation, and duck confrontation. But if you ALWAYS stick to the low road... you'll find yourself in the ditches ha.

I really find peace and therapy in writing and the art of words. I've always been a fluent, and proficient writer.. but I need it now of (of all times.) Writing is a way to completely clear your mind. It's like a mental yoga (yeah "mental yoga" steal it if you want.)

Never mind the metaphors, it's a R E L E A SE and it's something I need to take more advantage of. Hope it's entertaining enough to read... and, I hope it's interesting enough to make you think. I hope. I hope that I can only happen to say that o n e thing that sparks off in your head. And, intrigues you. And, pulls on your curiosity.

I've recently discovered that LIFE IS FKN CRAZY, folks!!! ha And trust me! You can never know what will happen next. Sometimes... that's the best part! Something completely random and miraculous will happen and it will make your day! Your week, even!

S o m e t i m e s, though.... it feels like life is throwing you a hand two short and the deck is stacked. Sometimes, it feels like too much.

To this very day... I hold a old quote close to my heart. I don't know if it is the words themselves, or the time in my life in which I heard them..... but for years this has been my favorite quote of all time. "Life isn't getting what you want. It's wanting what you get." How insightful is that?? Take that in for a second...

........the author??

Well, the hell if I know who first wrote it but I (shamelessly) heard it from Slater off of "Saved by the Bell." haha Ridiculously, I know. But that's how the fk life is haha. And I'm so grateful for everything I have and everything I've been given but sometimes I feel like I take this ONE AND ONLY life I've been given and I take it for granted. I catch myself slippin'..

.....I dunno WHAT to do anymore..

But I DO know o n e thing that's for sure. And (I know) it's 3 in the fkn morning but I've had this on my heart for a w h i l e and why not start fresh on a Monday?? I've got this new job starting.... I gotta pay these court fines.... car insurance, driver's responsibility fee, a mortgage, child support, AND! I'm about to get back into school?

Never mind my personal life!! I mean, the average f e e l i n g in Michigan right now is FK EVERYTHING haha :-/ there's NO good jobs no good public schools it's a pretty f k d up situation. Both of my parents' work is related to the auto industry. As with most middle class blue collar families we're prepared for the worst. I'm in a situation where I need to s t e p back and take a good look in the mirror. You know.. not just looking to see if my facial hair is in line ha or noticing how much my ears stick out hahah no! Looking in the mirror and looking deep into my own eyes and asking myself....... "what do you want with life??"

-whew-

Fk a 7/11 that's a big gulp to swallow. A huge valley to bridge! I mean.. let's be honest, this new millennium is n u t s and for young guys my age THEY HAVE IT OUT FOR YOU that's the truth I don't care if you believe me or not young males 16-24 all race all religion THEY HAVE IT OUT FOR YOU so watch your back :-[ Life is n u t s.

And because of the financial situations I'm in... and, the employment situations I'm in... and, the business I need to attend to......... I need to quit.

No, not LIFE don't worry hahaha. I need to quit living a life of excess! Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, staying up late, spending time rapping and chasing women? It all needs to get cut. I need to just kick it all, cold turkey.

All skepticism recognized.. All criticism accepted. I believe enough in M Y S E L F and the power of my own motivation to DO THIS! This will be a REAL LIFE EXPERIMENT in the life of sobriety. A day-2-day journal of my struggle ha. No holds barred. If I cheat and relapse I'll admit it. Nothing to hide here.

Because honestly I don't feel I have any drug addictions besides cigarettes. I enjoy smoking high grade marijuana (and who doesn't, honestly) but that shouldn't be a probably to weed off no pun intended ha. Cigs will suck the most no doubt about it but I can't afford to spend money on my own death anymore. AND THE COST OF A PACK WENT UP?? C'mon Granholm!! It's like investing in my own funeral. The MORE I let the idea of the whole thing freak me out.. the better chance I have of quitting.

So that's it. Smokes... ganja... and beer. Oh yeeeah... the beer. I forgot ha.

I definitely wouldn't consider myself an alcoholic or "one with a drinking problem" but at 22 years old, and two DUIs, I obviously have a problem drinking and getting in trouble with the law. I could sit here and type allllllll day about how innocent I was, and how the cops were dicks and how I got fkd but it wouldn't get us anywhere.

I've found a new fascination with quotes. The idea of one or two sentences being locked in time f o r e v e r it's inspiring. I discovered this Jewish proverb tonight and I find it hilarious.. "If God lived on Earth, people would break his windows."

Humbling, to say the least, right? hahah

Today..... THIS DAY... marks the early hours of DAY ONE of my sobriety. I have no choice but to take it a day at a time. But in the same retrospective.... that's all life is. One day at a time. One second... of one minute... of one hour... of one day. If you dare.. stay tuned to read ALL about my day to day trials and tribulations. I would like to say ATLEAST a daily vent, if not multiple times a day.

AGAIN, I don't mean to pass judgment on anybody but m y s e l f. I live everyday to the fullest... and I LOVE having a good time and partying. But, I hope to make this blog as honest, and uncomfortable as I can for myself.

hahahah YES, regardless if you really read it or not hah

This is my life, folks. I love good bud and cold beer. I love menthol cigarettes and I love spending money like it's the "American dream." I lofe my life, but I hate our generation (to be honest) haha. But, (better late then never) reality has set in. And, I know it's time for me to completely grow up in to the man I see myself as, youKnow??

so whaddup, you gonna help H O L D M E D O W N ? ? ?

I'ma try my best to bring you EXCLUSIVE internal dialogue through-out this entire process. My up's.. my downs.. and everything in between! Day by day... I want to bring you along with me. Life is c r a z y, but I've got my safety belt on.. and, I'm trying to enjoy the ride!! Won't you come along with me?? Let's just take it a day at a time.-